My wife has been a volatile person for many years. Mood swings were common, but my daughter and I assumed that maybe it was menopause. The hot flashes had been going on for years. Two auto accidents, one in 2003 and another in 2007, seemed to make the anger go over the top. During the legal battle of the second accident, my wife was sent to be evaluated by two psychologists. The second doctor interviewed both my wife and I. I informed him of the many intolerable angry outbursts. He proceeded to test my wife. His findings included anxiety and depression, which could provoke bursts of anger.
I've been under a lot of stress myself. I had been my aunt's guardian until her death in February. For five years, I was court ordered to visit her monthly in Florida, which made me a very good Delta customer. I took in my demented father in March of 2010. He still lives with me. Thank God for great assistance from the VA and hospice. I run a small business, but that has suffered as I give my time to others. I also have begun a charity. I was the victim of a doctor's mistake in 2003. I died for several minutes during a "routine procedure". I figured out that I was still here for a reason, so I'm giving back. I assist less fortunate young women in Central and Eastern Europe. Helping others seems to give me an "inner peace" in my maddening world. I'll be writing diaries on these other topics in the coming months.
In January, a friend of my daughter's approached me. She asked me if I had seen my daughter's Facebook entry that day. Of course, I had not. My daughter said, "I can't take this anymore", which I've cleaned up. She was talking about her mother. I'd always thought my wife's wrath was targeted at me. It was time to have a talk with my daughter. I learned that my daughter felt verbally abused for as long as she could remember. A few times, my wife grabbed her by the throat, because she didn't understand her homework from school. Mostly, my wife didn't help with homework at all. I did. I had to erase the crap that my daughter was being taught in Christian schools, another topic. I was the prototypical Mr. Mom. I bathed my daughter until she was old enough to do it herself. I drove her to school. We studied together. She would travel with me to visit my clients. She had her own "office" under my desk. We've always been close. For the past two years, we've taken four history courses together at the University of Delaware.
My wife obviously was jealous. She started calling her daughter "an idiot" and "a loser" in public. My wife's niece is a princess. She can do no wrong in the eyes of the family. My wife always compares our daughter to the niece, who got A's at university in an easy major. She wouldn't have lasted one semester taking the math and science courses that my daughter has taken to complete her major, Animal Sciences. I'm very proud of my daughter for what she's accomplished. She'll complete her degree this year. Mom has never praised her. Everything is negative.
I decided that my daughter and I should see a psychologist. First, I called the psychologist that tested my wife. I told him what was going on. My daughter decided that her mother was bi-polar. This doctor confirmed it. She had all the manic episodes and the manic shopping sprees, where she would easily spend hundreds or thousands on pure junk. We decided to consult the first doctor who had seen my wife. We told him what was going on. I documented many of the episodes. He, too confirmed the bi-polar diagnosis. My wife is seeing a psychologist, but he is treating her for ADD. The ADD medicine makes bi-polar episodes worse. Of course, my wife is in denial that she has a problem. I called her psychologist and told him what was truly going on. His response...he called my wife! Anyway, back to our consult, we were told to isolate ourselves from my wife to avoid conflicts, if she refused to seek help with her disorder. We had a trip planned for Spring Break in Florida. We were told not to take her along. He was right. After one day, we wanted to come home.
I should mention that I called my wife's sister to ask for help. She listened, but her response was that her sister was normal, and that my daughter and I were the problem, even though two professionals said otherwise. Bi-Polar Disorder is genetic, so the sister and others in the family may be ill, as well. It was obvious at that point that my daughter and I were on an island, alone. That sister's daughter was to have a high school graduation party in June. I wasn't to be invited, since I was no longer a member of the family!
In April, I bought a reclining chair, a place to relax when I needed a break. I couldn't rest in my own bedroom, as the TV was blaring or my wife would be talking to one of her two friends for hours about what she did at work that day. She hates her job, but it is her whole life. She leaves for work at 4:30 AM. It's a forty minute drive. She doesn't get paid until 7:30 AM. She is supposed to clock out at 3:15 PM, but often she gets home at 6:00 PM. The entire ride home, she talks on the phone about work, then talks for hours more while at home. So, I bought the chair. When my wife saw it, she asked, "who bought a chair for MY HOUSE without MY PERMISSION. Everything to her is My, My, My. Things escalated that evening. As I was trying to go to sleep, I was threatened with physical violence. I should have called the police. I didn't know about Protection From Abuse order. I know now.
Things kept getting worse. My daughter and I needed a break, away from my father and my wife. By the way, my wife is an RN. She does nothing to help with my father. My daughter and I do everything for him. He's at the point where he needs someone with him at all times. I was able to get my father placed in respite. My daughter and I were off for Europe, to see places that we had studied. We told my wife 4 days before the trip that we were going. She exploded! Se called my daughter a liar, and she said that her own daughter had betrayed her. My daughter cried most of that night, as I hugged her. The wrath for me was worse. I thought I was in the exorcist movie. In a voice that was not my wife's, I was told that "the devil is coming for you", "you are going to hell", and on and on. Before we went away, my wife took my daughter's credit card and my joint American Express card was taken from my wallet. I feared the worst. I set up an appointment with a divorce lawyer to my return.
We heard nothing from my wife during the trip, not even a text message to see if her daughter was okay. The family was too busy falling over the niece's new baby. Photos were on Facebook.
Upon our return, my wife didn't speak to us for two days. Mostly she was locked in her room with the dogs. When she did appear, the angry look on her face was truly scary. The first time she spoke was to my daughter as she came home from work, "Look, IT is home". She called her daughter "It". Later in the week, I was threatened about financial matters. She made a call to someone, I assume her attorney, and she backed off. I met my attorney last Friday. Delaware law requires a six month separation before one can file for divorce. I heard my wife say to a friend that she couldn't wait until January, which would be six months. My attorney said that I do not have to wait six months, since I am being mentally abused. We signed the papers that day to protect me from my wife trying to sell the house or other matters. A surprise is coming her way, as she would never expect me to have the courage to file for divorce. My main fear has always been...I don't have health insurance. I think I'm going to be okay! My daughter and I will get through this together!
This is my first diary, but not my last. I want to share with you a letter my daughter and I wrote to my wife before we went on the trip. Everyone we showed it to cried. My wife apparently showed it to friends and family. They responded that they'd all like to be abused like we have been.
Update: I've filed for divorce due to mental abuse! I can only hope that everything works out! I have no health insurance, but my lawyer says that I can COBRA my wife's policy at her employer. My daughter is totally with me. We will struggle together! I'm not sure yet where we will live. One friend is very concerned about us!