WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Lavishing praise on Special Ops teams and the rest of America's military, President Barack Obama gave a well-received speech commemorating the nation's War On People With Funny Names at the annual America's Language Heroes Gala at the East Room of the White House last night.
"Job well done," President Obama said to rounds of applause. "Our citizens have been under the burden of unpronounceable names for far too long. It is you, the men and women of the military, who have selflessly devoted yourself to the cause of putting an end to this grave linguistic problem for the rest of us, and for that, you deserve something that every American can pronounce - 'thank you'."
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The War on Funny Names has received increased attention since last weekend's successful Navy Seals raid, in which several people in Abbotabad, Pakistan were successfully executed. (Their names could not be republished since news agencies were unable to confirm their correct spelling.) The war, and the commemorative dinner, was begun during President Bush's terms in office, as a response to his difficulty understanding who exactly they were talking about on Al-Jazeera one day in office. President Obama's actions in continuing this war have received overwhelmingly positive reviews, much like in Libya two months ago, when the President ordered military action to be taken against the country because nobody knows whether its leader's name begins with a "G" or "Q".
While the White House refused to release photos of the victims or anything else that could confirm their deaths of those killed at Abbottabad last week, most Americans agreed that as long as they didn't have to encounter them working at their local gas stations or convenience stores, that would be proof enough.
Outside the dinner, the Tea Party held a rally to protest President Obama's policies in the War on Funny Names, saying that he did not go far enough. "We need monosi.. - monasum... - names that only have one syllable", said Jenny Beth Martin, leader of the Tea Party Patriots group. "Just like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and the rest of our Founding Fathers intended." However, this has had the opposite political effect, since their policy has caused suspicion on their own ranks whose names they weren't intelligent enough to pronounce, and led to the mass "elimination" of many of their members, causing their ranks to thin and draining their power as a political force.
"This is definitely a winner for President Obama", Charlie Cook, author of The Cook Report writes, in his latest article "2012: It's Obama's To Lose Now". "After the firestorm caused by criticism of President Obama being aired at the Daily Kos website a few weeks back, the president really needed to kill some people with funny names to boost his numbers. It just gives the American public that feeling that, not only are we as good as people who think differently or speak differently than us, we can totally kick their ass."
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) held a press conference immediately after last night's dinner. "Why would anyone take a name that has a hyphen in the middle of their last name? It just makes everyone more suspicious. One of my constituents wrote to me, 'Are these people trying to insult my intelligence? Because if they are, I don't get it.' All this woman wanted to do, she said, was get back to her NCIS: Miami reruns and not have to think about this anymore. And hopefully, this past raid in Pakistan has gone a little way towards making this woman's dream come true."
The War on Funny Names is expected to take a prominent position in this month's debt ceiling negotiations, with the Republicans insisting that they must eliminate people who names exceed a certain number of q's, vowels, or rolling r's before voting to increase the ceiling. "It's necessary for our economy," said House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) in an exclusive, tear-filled interview on ABC's "20/20". "And if we don't get these provisions, the only way for people to get the necessary education they need to pronounce these terrorist names is to cut taxes for our wealthiest and productive citizens."
As an expected precaution, a No-Diary Zone has been set up at the Daily Kos website in order to take "all actions necessary" to prevent diaries that criticize the President's actions, according to the text of UN Resolution 1974. Markos Moulitsas, founder of the Daily Kos website, was filing paperwork for an emergency name change petition and could not be reached for comment.