Skip to main content

From The Desk of NickiLeaks

It was fortunate that three reporters from the NickiLeaks newsroom were on a fact-finding mission to Havana (seeing which rum was the best) when the announcement came that Cuban-born Ted Cruz had thrown his hat into the presidential ring.

It was also fortunate that they had spent a lot of time drinking with the woman in charge of communication at the Canadian embassy in Havana as she was the one handling all the back-door traffic between Washington and the officials of the Castro administration.

For now it seems that the tables had turned and it was 47 Democratic senators who were writing to the leaders of a foreign nation. But unlike their Republican counterparts, they were not meddling in the affairs of another nation, but rather, trying to fix matters in their own and that'€™s a big difference.

So was how fast they wrote it!

And luckily for the three reporters, the senators’ message had gone through the hands of their new friend, so now they were reading the text of the letter and trying hard not to laugh.

Mostly, they were failing completely as they pictured the massive rage this would spawn from the Republicans back home and the complete apoplexy this would create on Fox News.

Adding to the laughter, the reporters were wondering if they could get away with calling the return of Cruz "€œthe Mariel Oaf Lift"€ and figuring, correctly, that if they couldn't call it that now, they could after one more drink.

They loved the irony of it all, especially the genius of whomever decided that the letter itself should be written on parchment that was appropriately€“ 100% pure white cotton.

And they were awestruck by the phrasing and the reasoning for the Democrats'€™ request, phrases taken from the Declaration of Independence itself, with just a word or two changed here and there to make it work.

Even their Canadian friend was impressed.

"He (Cruz) has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his fellow Republicans to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together conservative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws."

"€œRefused his assent?"€ they wondered. "There'€™s probably quite a few laws he downright broke."

Some of the laws of nature, was their first guess.

"€œAnd he's been a major pain in the ass!"€ the senior reporter stated.

"Nice touch using the Founding Fathers,"€ their friend from Ottawa noticed as she allowed them to buy her one more drink, using the excuse that they had found the best rum.

"€œThat will really sting those Republican wankers. They do get wound up about their patriotism! Or, at least they appear to.

"And I do wish you the best of luck getting the Castros to take back Cruz. In fact, there’s nothing I wish for more."

"€œReally?" the reporters inquired.

"Of course, chaps," the information officer said with a nice twinkle in her eyes. "€œBecause, if the Cubans won'€™t take him back, you'€™ll ask us next.

"€œAnd we can’t have that, can we?"

“ By Nick Vanocur for

“From the Desk of NiciLeaks"
Continue Reading
“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”

Two shell-shocked reporters staggered back into the NickiLeaks newsroom and headed straight for the bottles in their desk drawers.

They needed them badly.

They had just returned from interviewing the Tea Party’s rising star, Virginia’s David Brat, the man who toppled Eric Cantor.

A man who was the darling of conservatives.

A man who is stark-raving nuts.

Even God said so.

And according to David Brat, he would know!

Gesturing to their impatient editors and curious colleagues to wait, they took a big swig off their bottles, then another, and then, without even thinking about it, a third.

“That bad?” they were asked.

“A thousand times worse!” one gasped.

“That man is nuttier than squirrel droppings,” the other insisted.

“You know his Middle East policy? He wants to bring back the Knights Templar ‘because of all the good work they did.’ ”

“Killing Arabs was good work?” on incredulous editor asked. And he was Jewish!

“ ‘They made it safe for Catholics to visit the Holy Land where their one true messiah was born,’ ” were his exact words.


“And then he said ‘the Middle East would be a much better place if it was filled with nothing but people who were truly religious.’ ”

For a moment, there was utter silence.

Really loud silence.

“Has he ever seen pictures of Mecca during the Haj?” the foreign editor inquired.

“I asked him that,” the senior and balding reporter asked. “And he claimed that Haj was the kid in the turban on Jonny Quest.”

“Oh fuck!” came an exclamation from across the newsroom.

“And then we pointed out that the hordes were Muslims celebrating one of their most holy traditions and were, indeed, devotedly religious.”

“And Brat said that didn’t count because they weren’t ‘our kind of religious!’ ”

All eyes in the newsroom turned to the religion editor, a devout Satanist, who just smiled, shrugged, and continued to clean his nails with a crucifix.

The two reporters, nearly recovered, took another swig and continues their tale.

“And, since we were on the subject of the Middle East, that naturally took us to the subject of the military,” said the younger reporter, a good journalist whose hair was not quite good enough for TV.

And Brat’s military policy is?” the government affairs editor asked.

“He wants to change the Army’s official song to Onward Christian Solders!”

“Can the atheists just hum?” he was asked.

He shrugged and shook his head.

“And it just stayed like that,” the older reporter said with one sigh and three straight swigs.

“Then came food labeling.”

“Is Brat for it or against it?” a talented and curvy political reporter asked.

“We’re still not sure,” she was told.

“He has his own ideas. He wants natural food to be labeled GMO – God-Made Organism!”

“And won’t that be confusing?” the food editor asked.

“Are you confused?” he was asked.


“There’s your answer!”

“I heard he’s against immigration,” one copyboy observed.

“Yup,” the older reporter observed. “He said too many Latinos would ruin our Christian nation.”

“But aren’t they Christians?” he was asked by an incredulous colleague. “Don’t their relatives say ‘Via con Dios’ before they cross the border?”

“Must not be ‘our kind of Christians!’ ” he was kidded.

The white kind?” the reporter shot back.

“Yeah, them,”

Now everybody took a swig.

“So what are Mr. Smite’s plans when he goes to Washington?” the politics editor asked leaning back in his chair.

“Oh, he’s got plans, all right,” the younger reporters told his shocked colleagues. “First thing Brat’s going to do is introduce a bill to make ‘In God We Trust’ four times bigger on all our money.

“And then he’s going to make our money four times more worthless.”

He smiled.

“God willing.”

–By Nick Vanocur for

Continue Reading
"From the Desk of NickiLeaks"

In DC, the cherry blossoms are blooming and Congress is returning from vacation.

Only one will yield fruit, while the other is already filled with fruit, much of it rotten and spoiled.

The cherry trees will produce a crop while Congress a produce a crock, two crooks and a thousand excuses.

The blooming trees will remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, but thanks to the oil companies, the coal companies and their well-funded lobbyists, the blooming idiots will add to the amount of bad gasses in the air.

Some  adding of gasses will be done by sneaking amendments onto bills, some will be done with the routine breathing Congress does and the making of unneeded speeches and some bad gasses will be created thanks to the defunding of agencies and inspectors tasked with making sure this doesn't happen.

Thanks, GOP, you Gaseous Old Pirates!

Now, a lot of people are probably glad to see Congress back in town. You have to imagine that there are many wives and husbands of lobbyists who would much rather see their young lovers than their slimy spouses.

Limo drivers are probably happier because there will be . . . functions!

Some will be bodily and some will involve cocktails going in the other end and those will involve drivers.

A lot of limo measuring goes on in that town.

But you don't hear “My mileage is better than your mileage!”

At least not enough, and not yet.

Bankers are happy as K Street coffers must be filled before the lunches are bought and that means fees and floats for them, a few favors for friends and a few favors in return.

(Nod, nod. Wink, wink.)

K Street is bound to be churning as there were fees to be charged, needless and inaccurate polls to be pushed and spin to be put on platforms that would cause Jesus to cast people out.

Instead, it's likely that it will be the orphans and homeless carpenters that will be tossed out as soon as ALEC can get a law or two passed.

The restaurant owners are happy as they know their business will be good for a couple of months.

On the other hand, waiters were pissed knowing whom their customers are about to be. If there are some groups of people that demand a lot and tip way too little, it's lawyers, lobbyists and lawmakers.

So the waiters weren't happy. Not at all.

The hookers were ecstatic. Need I say more?

Bars would be filled, golf courses would thrive with business, liquor stores shelves would empty and the lobster and crab legs wouldn't be bought with food stamps.

As if they ever were.

But that's what happens when people have jobs.

But no jobs bills will be passed while this Congress is back.

People could buy houses, if undocumented Americans were allowed to build them.

But that won't happen with this Congress.

People could buy groceries – even cherries – but the minimum wage won't go up.

Not with this Congress.

So the trees are blooming with flowers and Congress is blooming with idiots.

And with the cherry trees, you can always throw them on the fire to keep the poor warm.

And you can't do that with Congress.

That law, actually got passed.

By Nick Vanocur, For –


Wed Mar 12, 2014 at 11:51 AM PDT

Fracking and the Five-legged Cow

by Nick Vanocur

Howdy Readers,

If anyone has been wondering how bad the fracking in the Eagle Ford region of Texas is, here's a look with a little bit of my personal humor.

Actually, a lot of my humor.

Continue Reading
You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.


Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site