“From the Desk of NickiLeaks”
Two shell-shocked reporters staggered back into the NickiLeaks newsroom and headed straight for the bottles in their desk drawers.
They needed them badly.
They had just returned from interviewing the Tea Party’s rising star, Virginia’s David Brat, the man who toppled Eric Cantor.
A man who was the darling of conservatives.
A man who is stark-raving nuts.
Even God said so.
And according to David Brat, he would know!
Gesturing to their impatient editors and curious colleagues to wait, they took a big swig off their bottles, then another, and then, without even thinking about it, a third.
“That bad?” they were asked.
“A thousand times worse!” one gasped.
“That man is nuttier than squirrel droppings,” the other insisted.
“You know his Middle East policy? He wants to bring back the Knights Templar ‘because of all the good work they did.’ ”
“Killing Arabs was good work?” on incredulous editor asked. And he was Jewish!
“ ‘They made it safe for Catholics to visit the Holy Land where their one true messiah was born,’ ” were his exact words.
“Oy!”
“And then he said ‘the Middle East would be a much better place if it was filled with nothing but people who were truly religious.’ ”
For a moment, there was utter silence.
Really loud silence.
“Has he ever seen pictures of Mecca during the Haj?” the foreign editor inquired.
“I asked him that,” the senior and balding reporter asked. “And he claimed that Haj was the kid in the turban on Jonny Quest.”
“Oh fuck!” came an exclamation from across the newsroom.
“And then we pointed out that the hordes were Muslims celebrating one of their most holy traditions and were, indeed, devotedly religious.”
“And?”
“And Brat said that didn’t count because they weren’t ‘our kind of religious!’ ”
All eyes in the newsroom turned to the religion editor, a devout Satanist, who just smiled, shrugged, and continued to clean his nails with a crucifix.
The two reporters, nearly recovered, took another swig and continues their tale.
“And, since we were on the subject of the Middle East, that naturally took us to the subject of the military,” said the younger reporter, a good journalist whose hair was not quite good enough for TV.
And Brat’s military policy is?” the government affairs editor asked.
“He wants to change the Army’s official song to Onward Christian Solders!”
“Can the atheists just hum?” he was asked.
He shrugged and shook his head.
“And it just stayed like that,” the older reporter said with one sigh and three straight swigs.
“Then came food labeling.”
“Is Brat for it or against it?” a talented and curvy political reporter asked.
“We’re still not sure,” she was told.
“He has his own ideas. He wants natural food to be labeled GMO – God-Made Organism!”
“And won’t that be confusing?” the food editor asked.
“Are you confused?” he was asked.
“Yes.”
“There’s your answer!”
“I heard he’s against immigration,” one copyboy observed.
“Yup,” the older reporter observed. “He said too many Latinos would ruin our Christian nation.”
“But aren’t they Christians?” he was asked by an incredulous colleague. “Don’t their relatives say ‘Via con Dios’ before they cross the border?”
“Must not be ‘our kind of Christians!’ ” he was kidded.
The white kind?” the reporter shot back.
“Yeah, them,”
Now everybody took a swig.
“So what are Mr. Smite’s plans when he goes to Washington?” the politics editor asked leaning back in his chair.
“Oh, he’s got plans, all right,” the younger reporters told his shocked colleagues. “First thing Brat’s going to do is introduce a bill to make ‘In God We Trust’ four times bigger on all our money.
“And then he’s going to make our money four times more worthless.”
He smiled.
“God willing.”
–By Nick Vanocur for All-len-All.com
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