The cast:
Announcer - Voice of God
Willard Mitt Romney - Himself
Arthur - George Orwell Petronius Voter
Jimmy - R. S. Tablishment
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Announcer: And now for something completely different. The office of Willard Mitt Romney....
(We see a large study with maps and photographs on the wall and a large desk, at which sits Willard Mitt Romney.)
Mitt: Next please!
(Arthur walks into the room and up to the desk.)
Mitt: (Looks up.) One at a time please.
Arthur: There is only me, sir.
Mitt: (Puts a hand over one eye.) So there is. Take a... (Pauses, confused.)
Arthur: Seat?
Mitt: Seat! Take a seat. So! (Looks over to Arthur's right.) You want to join my campaign do you? (Keeps looking off to right.)
Arthur: (Seems rather uncertain.) Me, sir?
Mitt: Yes.
Arthur: Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Mitt: Jolly good, jolly good. (Checks a box on a form and then looks straight at Arthur.) And how about you?
Arthur: There is only me, sir.
Mitt: (Puts hand over eye and looking both at Arthur and to Arthur's right.) Well bang goes his application then. (Tears up form.) Now let me fill you in. I'm the candidate, and we're going to be elected as both Presidents of the United States.
Arthur: I thought there was only one President, sir.
Mitt: (Puts one hand over eye again, opens a copy of the Constitution and peers at the text from an inch away.) Well, that'll save a bit of effort. Well done! Now the object of this campaign is to find and if necessary destroy all traces of our 2008 campaign.
Arthur: Your 2008 campaign?
Mitt: Yes, my identical twin brother was leading that. He was going to pass a Constitutional amendment combining the two Presidencies. (Looks at Constitution closely, with one hand over eye.) My idea I'm afraid. Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone I need for this campaign... So what special qualifications do you have?
Arthur: Well, sir...
Mitt: Yes, you first.
Arthur: There is only me, sir.
Mitt: (Turning to Arthur's right.) I wasn't talking to you. (Turns to Arthur.) Carry on.
Arthur: Well I'm a fully qualified political scientist, with a second doctorate in economics.
Mitt: Political Scientist? Political scientist. (Looks it up in the dictionary.) Where the devil are they, policy, politic...political...a political scientist: 'two men specializing in the study of government.' Jolly good! Well you're in. Congratulations, both of you. Well, er, what are your names?
Arthur: Arthur Wilson.
Mitt: Arthur Wilson, right well look, I'll call you (to Arthur) Arthur Wilson one, and you (to Arthur's right) Arthur Wilson two, just to avoid confusion.
Arthur: Are you actually the candidate, sir?
Mitt: Yes, we are the candidate for the Presidency.
Arthur: And what policies will you both be running on?
Mitt: Good questions. (Speaks to himself.) Shall I? (Speaks to Arthur.) Well we'll be announcing on June 2, and staking out the following positions. (Opens large book, clearly labeled Wuthering Heights.) To start off, we'll be for and against individual healthcare mandates, in favor of and opposed to homosexuals serving openly in the military, and accepting and rejecting the right to choose or not choose abortions. From there we'll be supporting and denying amnesties for both undocumented immigrants and illegal aliens, fighting for and against stem cell researches, and strongly trying to both raise and not raise the minimum wage. With these firm positions, we expect to win both in Iowas and New Hampshires, then continue on to make a strong showing on both Super Tuesdays...and from there ask for advice on attracting "minority" voters.
Arthur: Does anyone speak Spanish, sir?
Mitt: Oh, yes I think many of them do out there.
Arthur: Does anyone in the Republican party speak Spanish sir?
Mitt: Oh well, Anns' have a smattering.
Arthur: Apart from the two Anns...
Mitt: Good God, I'd forgotten about her!
Arthur: Apart from them, who else is working on the campaign, sir?
Mitt: Well we've got the Nikki Haley twins, two publicists called Fox, the Christine O'Donnell sisters...
Arthur: Two of them?
Mitt: No four of them, a pair of identical twins...and a couple of the Dan Quayle quads - the other two pulled out. And of course you two.
Arthur: And none of these are political scientists or economists?
Mitt: Well you two are, and we've got a brace of strategists called Jimmy Blenkinsop... because running for the Presidency is pretty tricky you know. It's a hard slog up until you're actually elected, though there's nothing particular to do after that. But the Jimmies' put their heads together and worked out a way to win. (Opens door.) Jimmy? (Jimmy walks in wearing a 1920s era suit and bowler hat, and puffing a cigar.) I don't believe you've met. Jimmy Blenkinsop - Arthur Wilson; Arthur Wilson - Jimmy Blenkinsop... Arthur Wilson two - James Blenkinsop one; James Blenkinsop one - Arthur Wilson two. Carry on Jimmies.
Jimmy: (Speaks to Arthur reassuringly.) Don't worry about the, er... (Puts hand over eye.) We'll get him votes somehow.
(Jimmy proceeds to walk round the room clambering over every single piece of available furniture. He doesn't stop talking. Causing a complete wreckage, he clambers over the desk, onto a bookcase and round the room knocking furniture over. Mitt puts one hand over eye and peers around the room in apparent confusion. Meanwhile, Jimmie is saying...)
Now the campaign for the Presidency is quite simply through the debates, and then we go on after that to...ohh...to gather endorsements, somewhere in or near the early primary states...then...
(Jimmy staggers out headlong through the door. There are loud crashing noises.)
Mitt: He'll be our chief strategist.
Arthur: Well I'm afraid I won't be taking part in your campaign, sir, as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it!
(Arthur gets up and walks out, slamming the door.)
Mitt: Oh dear. (Pauses. Looks over at another Arthur.) Well how about you?
Arthur: (Sitting in chair at other angle of desk.) Well I'm game, sir!
(Cut back to two Mitts, double image, split screen.)
Mitts: So are we!
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With gratitude and apologies to Monty Pythons (twelve of them, and two Carol Clevelands), and special thanks to:
Wikipedias (http://en.wikipedia.org/...)
MittRomneyFlipFlopses (http://mittromneyflipflops.com/)
The Danes and/or non-Danes at (http://www.ibras.dk/...)
and, of course, Our Friends at both Mitt Romney Centrals (http://mittromneycentral.com/... and http://mittromneycentral.com/...)