March 17, 2015
Stephen “Lying Liar” Colbert
666 White Hope Lane
Notso Pleasantville Anymore-isit, New York, U. S. of A-Hole
Dear Mr. Liar ColdBeer
Every day for nine years you made H.L. Mencken look like Upton Sinclair. But what have you done for me lately?
I want to congratulate you on your recent career ending, um, End. Or whatever. Crap. I had something awesomely sarcastic for that in the shower, but I just speed pounded two full “hefty-man” breakfasts at the drive-through hamburger chain while shotgun slugging a pony keg of unregulated caffeine energy drink and everything just went white and buzzy. I need the healthy morning pick-me-up because I am so exhausted from having to survive these terrible hours before Armageddon finally frickin' sets in, kills my hippie dipstick neighbors with OBola plague and makes the 340 dollars in Glenn Beck endorsed Gold Coins I have hidden in my sump a millionaire’s ransom. Who’s gonna be the big man then Jackhole?
Anyway, it must be nice to be such an accomplished lying liar and failed Patriot.
(Seriously, it must be awesome. I bet you even have some neighbor kid who cleans the wrappers and energy drink cans out of your car every month. Damn, that would be nice. Do you have an unpaid socialist student loan leech of an intern buy you a thousand government run Powerball lottery tickets every Week? I would.)
My point here is that I am grateful your show has come and gone. The American Dream has never been more nightmarish than when we were trying to fall asleep at night while watching your cavalcade of dunselry. By the way, did you ever think of calling that tent show minstrel scam “The To- Night of The Long Lies Show”? Yeah, no, you didn’t - maybe that’s why they finally fired you Collarbone.
Anywhoo. You promised me a wasteland sir, for nine long years, and all I got was this slow churning recovery. Your show belongs in the dustbin of failed histrionics. You promised things Mister. Ecumenical and economical collapse was guaranteed by you and your minions. Gay fascism, chemtrails, Islamo-communism, gunlessnesss, camps, bank re-defaults, stock market re-collapse, un-employment re-surging, real estate un-recovery, and the list goes on. Christ man, you and Romney promised that the Obamination would give nuclear weapons to Iran and instead he is on the verge of taking them away for at least another decade! (Good thing sensible minds in the congress intervened to keep peace from breaking out there of all places.) We have cheap oil and that appears to be actually physically killing Putin.
Unemployment is suddenly so low it’s starting to be a drag on the economy because it’s forcing wages higher. Further, since gas is so low, we can spend the extra wages on cheap American products like razors that only work once and giant energy drinks. It's like we have Guns and Butter. And iPhones. And more butter. Appleguns and Applebutter and a chicken in every iPot on 24 hours notice from the Amazon people. 98% percent of the people in America now have health insurance coverage for ebola, measles, cardiac arrest and cancer All of which have 3 or 5 or 7 times the survival rates they had in 2000. There hasn't been an election day national terror threat alert in almost seven years. Don’t even get me started about the Stock Market. I bet the real "truthiness" Mr. Tea Party is that your money occupies a lot more of Wall Street than your mouth ever did. We are six years into your "Obam-u-nism will collapse the country" reign of error and the only strike that has stunned the economy was December 2014 Apple call options with a "strike price" anywhere south of 120 a share.
Stephen, that ringing in your ears is reality calling to try and establish a "rapport" with your outdated conservative masters. You guys weren't "just a little bit wrong" when you constantly proclaimed Barack Obama would be the biggest leadership failure since, well since George Bush. Dude, The Vinyl Record Album market is flooding back, Harper Lee is publishing a prequel for "To Kill A Mockingbird" and GM has a “strong buy” rating. From Merril Lynch. This guy makes Ronald Reagan look small, Teddy Roosevelt look cowardly and Thomas Jefferson look impulsive.
How quickly we forge ahead, huh? We paid and prayed for many doomful things because you told us we should and that these bad things would be good for us in the long run. You unified our non conformist libertarian individualism and promised a great surge of failed Democracy would finally allow us to live free, or at least die kneeling before ultra conservatism. You said big government won’t work anymore - it’s too confusing. You told us that these whiny “a complex world requires sophisticated leadership” Odumbholes would self destruct. That they would take all of their repressive “merit-based” idea-oltory down the drain with them.
Was it all a lie man? Was none of it real, ever? Not even The Camps? Was it all just some game you played for entertainment? I took you at face value when you told us you were The One who could lead exactly the radical new old fashioned conservative libertarian orthodoxy we needed to take our country back. Sadly, in the end you turned out to be more of an Ikeaclast than an Iconoclast. You became the Zamboni of Zampolits. It is starting to be clear that almost all of your show's conservative "values" was just stuff Karl Rove said to make you guys all feel better when you were so obviously wrong about every single possible nuance of a small part of any little tiny bitty bit of any concern anywhere, ever. At all. So what does that make me? Because some of us who are real nationalists believed in your message of hopelessness. Here is an example of how far over on the wrong side of history you were in your show: My family made me take them all to Disneyland a while ago. Where is the joy in that Mister “Obama is a Muslim Terrorist who will blow everything up and destroy middle class America repeatedly”? It was thousands of dollars we could have been hoarding or spending on assault weapons for our children’s safety. To top it off, my credit score went UP afterwords. This is not how you said it would be.
Stephen, you owe true America an apology for promising them all this chaos and disasterousness. I voted for Obama specifically because you said it would ensure a total collapse that would make Republican values seem realistic again. I did it both times Sir! You told us to wait. We were willing and able to help rebuild this boring-assed unimperial country into something proudful and strongarmed. But you said no, not with them, not in collaboration with Obama types. But they never stopped believing in America, no matter how much you told us not to believe in them. Well, you won’t fool me twice like that a second time.
I waited for things to fail because I believed in your character. Alas, you stomped America in the windbag. Where's the doom you assured us would prevail? Where's the collapse you guaranteed? Where's the fear? You promised us that Obama would lead America off a cliff and so we abandoned America in favor of our Republican Party. America is the Mountain itself Stephen. Was all along. And you made us stay at the bottom while the mountain had the finest hour it will have in our lifetime. We couldn't have led but we could have participated Stephen, we could have contributed to the shape of the new mountain, but you kept us from it. Because of you we'll never really see the view from the top.
Thanks for nothing, Moldberg
An anonymous but not at all intellectually merit-less troll.
P.S. And now your Commywood cronies are going to let you replace Oprah, or whatever?
Well, good luck with that.
P.P.S. Will it be on the new Apple subscription service?