I have gazed upon the stars, the bible, the entrails of a chicken, and my own navel. I share a common ancestry, verifiable by DNA, with every presidential candidate past and present, as well as with Karl Rove and slime molds. I have a true penchant for successful predictions based upon the sound methodology of thinking the worst thing I can possibly think in any given situation.
And out of the goodness of my heart, fellow Kossacks, I will now share with you the identity of the veep candidates a few days in advance of the official announcements. Armed with this most crucial of all knowledge, you will surely make a fortune in the stock market, own as many mansions as McCain, seduce drugged-out supermodels, and be honored as a benefactor of humanity. So be sure to remember me in your will...
Now without further ado, the running mates of the candidates will be as follows:
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