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Thu Jun 21, 2012 at 05:47 PM PDT

Evolving Into Stupid Pt 3

by dylanwalker

     In my second installment of Evolving Into Stupid I have apparently attracted the ire of one or two individuals, though I suspect it’s just one particular person, that took considerable offence to my calling Americans “fucking idiots” (we are), and suggesting overly superstitious people are crazy or otherwise defective, and they are in my opinion.  The person (or persons) I oh-so offended took the time to comment on the diary, and then took extra special time to devote a blog entry to it.  


     Thank you, by the way, for all of the comments, positive and negative.

      The person (persons) said I’m arrogant and condescending.  They also lifted my picture from Facebook and posted it in their blog without my permission, which is kind of creepy.  And in regard to my bit about people using something with as highly questionable historical and scientific accuracy as the bible (and other like nonsense) as a means by which to make an informed conclusion as to “jumping to conclusions,” and suggesting those folks are “cranks;” they said I can’t “distinguish differences in interpretation.”  Differences in interpretation?  Are you fucking kidding me?

    Firstly, I find it interesting (and in a strange way self-gratifying) that the person (persons) completely ignored the facts I’ve presented in the diary but instead went straight for the ad hominem attack.  Nice touch and I’m sure Jesus would be pleased.  Secondly, was I arrogant in Evolving Into Stupid Pt 2?  I suppose I could have been, though arrogance really was not the intent.  I don’t think I was arrogant, but my opinion is obviously biased, so take that for whatever it’s worth.  Was I condescending?  Yes.  That was actually the intent.  In fact I strongly believe that anyone who takes a literal view (AKA a “difference in interpretation”) of the bible, or other similar bullshit, deserves condescension and mockery.  It is becoming apparent that the only way to bring attention to the fact that 40% of Americans believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old is to openly mock them for their willful ignorance.  Why?  Because it’s fucking ridiculous!  Duh.  

    Allow me to try to illustrate my point:  Imagine one day you come upon a person who believes very strongly that the world is flat, despite all of the evidence to the contrary and in despite there isn’t a single shred of evidence that supports their assertion.   Not one shred.  The only thing they can point to that supports their radical view is a collection of ancient documents written by acutely primitive people thousands of years ago, and we have to  give “respect” to these views because it’s part of their religion, even though their views are provably incorrect.  And as it turns out this person isn’t alone, they’ve started clumping together and forming little groups and wearing funny hats.  Even though they are a minority of the population they are well-financed, well-organized, and extremely vocal and they have been able to gain a great deal of attention to their cause and gain political influence.  Now imagine this same group of cranks have infiltrated school boards in a very large state, and have actually been able to expunge any mention of a spherical earth from science textbooks.  They then propose an “alternative theory” that isn’t based on science, or evidence, or anything remotely scientific, and they justify it by demanding schools “teach the controversy” and give “equal time,” and because the state in which this travesty has occurred is so large other school boards in other states have to follow along because they have to use the same textbooks.  

    How would you feel if something like my above analogy were happening to yourself or someone you know?  Well, news flash, it is happening all over the US, except it isn’t a small group of willfully ignorant cranks demanding schools teach a flat-earth world view, instead it’s a smallish (and growing) group of willfully ignorant cranks demanding schools not teach actual science but instead teach creation as described in religious texts.  This is simply horrifying.  And, yes, these crack pots deserve every bit of derision and condescension coming to them.  

Continue Reading

Mon Jun 18, 2012 at 06:08 PM PDT

Evolving Into Stupid Part 2

by dylanwalker

    Recently, while working a flight, two religious loons were seated right next to my jump seat.  There they sat, chatting away, and basically comparing notes on their own level of fanaticism, and they got to the subject of science, specifically evolution and the processes by which scientists use to determine the age of artifacts.  The first man asked the second how he was able to square his creationist and “young earth” views with what scientists say is fact, supported by so-called “evidence.”  “Well,” he said.  “Scientists are making conclusions based on assumptions.  They only assume the earth is 4.6 billion years old, based on assumptions.  The scripture is very clear on this.”

    At the time I was hearing this discussion take place I was in uniform, on duty, and actually working the flight; it would have been highly inappropriate of me to take the superstitious whack-a-loon to task, so I held my tongue.  But those two guys did get me to thinking:  How exactly could one concisely explain a highly complex subject such as radiometric dating to the average American – who is, let’s face it, a fucking idiot – let alone explain it to a superstitious crank that firmly believes – nay! – he knows the world is only about 6,000 years old, and everything we know to be in existence was created in six days by a spooky invisible absentee father figure, in a way that can be easily explained and understood?  

    This is how scientists measure the rate of radioactive decay:  






    Most people do not understand that.  It’s quite literally a foreign language to most of us.  So now you see the crux of the problem.  How does one explain this?  

    I think the only way to enlighten creationists is to shoot down their arguments point-by-point.  The second man mentioned carbon dating (more accurately known as radiocarbon dating), and he specifically mentioned carbon-14.  “How can they say the earth is 4.6 billion years old,” he asks.  “They make assumptions based on carbon-14.”  

    Um, no, sorry.  No one that knows what they’re doing is making assumptions based on carbon-14 when regarding anything about a time scale of billions of years.  Firstly, after decades of pain-staking research, physicists have been able to quite precisely determine the half-life of radioactive isotopes.  Some of these isotopes have half-lives in the billions of years; some have half-lives in the thousands of years; and some even have half-lives that last merely seconds.  There are no assumptions being made, based on carbon-14, or anything else.  Secondly, carbon-14 has a half-life of only 5,730 years, and is quite useless for measuring something on the evolutionary scale.  It is, however, very useful for dating artifacts like the Shroud of Turin and the Dead Sea Scrolls, but not quite the right radiometric clock for dating something very old, like the earth or igneous rocks and the objects found near them.  Potassium-40 (the potassium-argon clock) is probably better suited for that.  

    In speaking of assumptions, who, in this case, are the ones jumping to conclusions?  The people forming conclusions based on years of careful research, analysis, reason, logic and a certain thing called “evidence,” or the cranks that know the truth because they read it in the Bible?  Ah, yes, the Bible.  A collection of thousands of years-old allegories and fairy tales, passed on from person to person, tribe to tribe, for hundreds if not thousands of years, before they reached someone literate enough to write them down; translated and transliterated literally hundreds of times, to and from hundreds of languages, many of them long-dead.  So, really, who’s making assumptions?


Fri May 25, 2012 at 03:56 PM PDT

Evolving Into Stupid

by dylanwalker

    People really show their ignorance when they say spectacularly stupid shit like, “I didn’t come from a monkey, god made me,” or, “I don’t see any half-monkey, half-people walking around,” or, “how come when I go to the zoo you don’t see any monkeys turning into people?”  

     They say these stupid things because they don’t understand basic science.  First of all god didn’t make you, or anybody else for that matter.  Your parents fucked.   It’s called biology.   Your dad got too excited and forgot to pull out, it happens to the best of us.   What semen didn’t end up running down your mother’s leg and onto the back seat of her car eventually made its way through her vagina and through her cervix to her uterus, or her fallopian tubes, for fertilization of the ovum.  The fertilized egg, after being successfully implanted, underwent a period of gestation and then nine months later you got your first “Slip ‘N Slide” experience down your mother’s birth canal and out her wet hoo-haa.

     Is this shit not taught in school anymore?  God made you?  People who believe patently ridiculous things should shampoo my crotch.   If you believe that, then you might as well believe in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, the Boogey Man and unicorns.

     But then again we are talking about people who think monkeys should be turning into humans over-night.  The fact of the matter is humans, monkeys, African apes and Asian apes, all have a common ancestor that lived about 12 million years ago from which we have all evolved, and have been evolving ever since, and it’s as simple as that.  I understand that this topic is in and of itself highly complex sometimes, and it is indeed hard for people to wrap their brains around things that have taken place over literally millions of years.  The human mind has difficulty understanding things that are very large, or very small, or things that take place over huge expanses of time.  But it is a fact, we are related to other primates on this planet, and we have all evolved from a common ancestor, and evolution by natural selection is a reality.  The molecular evidence alone is astounding.  We have more in common with chimpanzees on the molecular level than any other species on earth.  Ninety-eight percent of our genes are identical to that of chimps.  

    We’re also related to broccoli.  Food for thought.


Mon Nov 07, 2011 at 09:48 PM PST

Clueless Tea-Baggers

by dylanwalker

        Thanks for letting me vent ...

         You know, the Tea-Bagging dipshits are really starting to show us all just how clueless they really are.  They’ve been particularly critical of the Occupy Wall Street protests, and that’s fine, I don’t have a problem with that, but do you know what their big complaint is?  The protest isn’t organized enough for them.

    Only some anal retentive yuppie Tea-Bagger would say something as goofy as that.  Since when are protests supposed to be organized, first of all, and secondly, who gives a fuck how organized it is?  

    The Occupy People don’t have a unified message?  Ok.  So??  What’s so special about the Tea-Bagger’s unified message, huh?  Yeah, they’re unified alright.  They don’t want to pay taxes, yet they expect the government to give them roads and bridges and their precious military for free.  They don’t like immigrants, legal or illegal, and they’re certainly not about to start educating people so we can have some engineers and scientists in this country that are worth a fuck.  They say they’re pro-life, but as any thinking person knows “pro-life” is really just a euphemism for “anti-choice.”  They don’t like women, period.  They also don’t like The Gays and The Blacks.  “Fuck’em!” is their motto.     

    I’d also like to point out that the Tea-Baggers have presented not one reasonable or rational solution to any of the problems that we face.  Even the problems only they perceive.  You know what their big solution to everything is?  Amend the Constitution, of course!  

    Holy shit, it’s so simple!  Why hasn’t anyone smart thought of that one first?

    They think we need an amendment to keep the children of illegal immigrants from becoming US Citizens.

    They proposed an amendment to force the federal government to balance its budget every year.  

    They think we need to amend the Constitution to keep The Gays from getting married.  Because, as everyone knows, if The Gays marry then sheep fucking will become more than just a hobby in Wyoming.

    They actually think we need an amendment to take women’s rights away from them.
    Those are their big solutions.

    And not to split hairs here, it’s fine if you are against abortion, that’s ok.  I have no problem with a rational, thought-out argument for taking away a woman’s right to choose.  Long as you can present your ideas and thoughts with logic and reason, and not trot out the Jesus bullshit, I’m ok with you supporting your ideals one way or the other; we all have the right to disagree.  But here’s the thing:  You can’t call yourself pro-life when you are, in fact, very much pro-death.  You people don’t seem to mind sending our military to war, and without justification.  You Tea-Bagging types seem to have no issues with the death penalty.  Some of you folks have quite openly cheered the idea of terminally ill people without health insurance being left to die.  And that’s all fine if you’re for that; just be honest about it.  You ain’t pro-life, you’re pro-death.  If the pro-death and anti-choice monikers are dissatisfactory for you, perhaps they don’t market well, I have another suggestion:  Pro-Fetus.  You can be pro-fetus.  At least there’s some truth in advertising there.

    Anyway, the Tea-Baggers don’t like the Occupy People because they’re disorganized, and they can’t quite wrap their heads around what they could possibly be upset about, as if it were some mystery.

    Allow me to share just one thing with you, and if you aren’t even just a little peeved by this, then I question your intelligence:  College tuition has gone up 600% since 1980, and 85% of college graduates return home to live with their parents
because they’re so indebted with student loans they cannot afford to live on their own.

    College has become nothing but a big for-profit business, and that’s just wrong.  The student loan industry is bigger than the mortgage, auto finance and credit card industries combined, and I predict student loans will be the next economic bubble to burst.
    Are things starting to make a little sense to you now?

    This is what makes my mind absolutely boggle:  Way back when our economy was an agricultural economy, our government provided a primary education for all.  Then, as we progressed and our economy became industrialized, our government provided a primary and a secondary education for all.  Well, where are we now?  We’re much more advanced now than we were a hundred years ago.  Our economy now is very much technology and information-based these days; therefore it’s only logical that our government should provide a primary, secondary, and an undergraduate education, for any and all whom wish to take advantage.

    College should be free.  We should have a college education available to any who have the desire and academic talent to pursue it. We should have the highest standards in the world, but we don’t.  We water everything down for your dumbshit future tea-bagging asshole kids, just so they can get a mediocre secondary education.  The US is 27th in the world in math!  We place at 14th in the world for science.  That’s nothing to be proud of, people!

    You know what?  Screw that!

    Our government spent $750 billion to protect Wall Street’s profits.  You know what the total amount of outstanding student loan debt is?  Somewhere around $800-ish billion.  And all you fuckin’ shit-kicking, tea-bagging, mouth-breathing fools can do is sit there in your LazyBoy and moan about disorganized protests?  Does nothing enter your skull?  Hello?


Sat Sep 10, 2011 at 08:44 AM PDT

Top Ten Reasons Why Texas Sucks

by dylanwalker

10:  Assholes in giant trucks flying down the highway at high velocity, weaving dangerously in and out of multiple lanes, all while talking on a cell phone.

9:  Dubya.

8:  Christian conservative tea bagging lunatics who aren’t satisfied with their church-life AT church and decide to take the church to your kids by simultaneously foisting their religious and political ideology upon the children in public schools.  And then subsequently reduce the funding for said schools.

7:  Pro-Texan bumper stickers like, “I wasn’t born in Texas but I got here as quickly as I could.”  Yeah?  Well isn’t that enlightening?  I wasn’t born in Texas, either, and thank god for that!

6:  You know, I sure would like to go to some public place, like a shopping mall, without some cross-eyed nitwit asking me if I have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Do these people not have anything else better to do?

5:  Bumper stickers that read “Charlton Heston is MY President!”  Charlton Heston is fucking dead.  Maybe it’s time you update the slogans you’ve glued to your truck.

4:  And while I’m on the subject of dumbass bumper stickers with meaningless phrases typed on them, I’m getting really tired of these macho guys with the “real men love Jesus” stickers slathered all over their gargantuan SUV’s.  I’ve got news for you, real men think for themselves!

3:  State and local governments arbitrarily limit the amount of water households use (for watering lawns, due the drought), but give unfettered, unlimited and unregulated  direct access of water aquifers to the oil and gas companies that in turn pollute the remaining drinking water.

2:  What is it with these people and their obsession with homosexuals?  

1:  Texas pride.  Hey, it’s just a state, people … and not even a good one.


Tue Sep 06, 2011 at 07:09 PM PDT


by dylanwalker

       Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think I have discovered what is wrong with the Tea Baggers.  They seem to be suffering from a yet-to-be-documented disease that leaves them with highly selective short-term memory.  

        A small bit of evidence to support this hypothesis:  Just very recently the Tea Baggers have been complaining that President Obama is appointing – gasp! – Socialist Czars to work for his administration.  Just imagine, they declare, the Socialist in Chief is converting our government into the Soviet Union!

        In fact, I had not one, but two passengers on one of my flights to Houston this week claim to have spotted a Czar from the air.  It would seem the Czars are running amok.

        Little do the Tea Baggers know … well, at least little do they choose to recall (remember, strange undocumented disease, highly selective short-term memory) not only have both President Bush the Smarter and President Bush the Lesser appointed numerous Czars to work within their administrations, but pretty much every president since Franklin Roosevelt appointed Czars, too.  The Tea Baggers would make it seem President Obama was unique in this regard.

        Granted, President Obama has set the record for Czars at 37 appointments, but President Bush the Lesser isn’t that far behind at 33 Czar appointments.  It’s also worth mentioning that the Tea Bag Lord (President Reagan) also appointed Czars to work in his administration.  

        So there you have it, I cracked the case.  The Tea Baggers are clearly sick and demented.

        (A complete list of Czars can be found here: )


Sat Aug 27, 2011 at 06:46 PM PDT

Just a Thought

by dylanwalker

A lot of people have been complaining that my diaries are “angry,” “rude,” and “arrogant.”  Several people have accused me of being a fundamentalist.  While all of that is quite probably true, I do invite you all to stop and think for a moment:  if it seems at all absurd that I would be angry at people for being civil, um, that’s called a joke, and quite obviously wasn’t meant to be taken at face value.

Ahhh, and now come the deriding comments about my writing being gut-busting comedic gold.  

I have to say, while I appreciate every diary I have read so far, and there have been some excellent diaries, not everything around here has to be so darn serious.  It’s ok to relax a little.  Have a cocktail (no pun intended, gays), or four.  It’s ok to make fun of the absurdity in life, and it’s also ok to laugh at it.  Even if it’s just on the inside.  


Wed Aug 24, 2011 at 11:22 AM PDT

To Believe or Not To Believe

by dylanwalker

       I’m getting sick and tired of politicians and people in the media saying they “believe in” or they do not “believe in” evolution or climate change, as if it were a matter of faith.

    “Uh, yes, Mr. Governor, do you believe in evolution??”  That’s like asking, “Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy??”  

    A more reasonable question would be, “do you accept evolution as fact,” because evolution is a fact.  Climate change is also a fact, like it or not.  It’s not a matter of faith, like believing in something, like god, or the Boogey Man.  That’s a faith issue.  Believing something is true or false, despite a lack of evidence to support either conclusion, is pretty much the definition of faith and belief.  

    When presented with actual facts and evidence that point to one conclusion or another, you have a choice to make; accept the conclusion (evolution is real, duh) or don’t accept the conclusion (god made me), or ask a few more questions that help you decide one way or the other.   Let’s all try to pay attention to the language, here.


10:  You don’t see the irony in the partial defunding of the FAA adding to the deficit.

9:  You didn’t realize until now that “tea-bagging” is in fact a sexual act, and you have proudly and publicly proclaimed to be a Tea-Bagger, causing confusion and discomfort with your wife and kids.

8:  Your hair is permanently parted.

7:  You actually own a three-cornered hat.

6:  You think drug testing welfare recipients will actually solve some sort of problem.

5:  On your days off, when you go out, instead of wearing some sort of casual shoe you just wear the same loafers or dress shoes that you wear to the office every day, except you go sans-socks.  

4:  In your view it doesn’t matter that Sarah Palin seems to know nothing about anything; it’s ok because she’s pretty.

3:  When facts do not conform to Tea-Bagger opinion you claim it is liberal bias or a dastardly conspiracy at work.  

2:  You have no discernable sense of humor.

1:  You have actually waxed your carrot to a picture of Ann Coulter.


Tue Aug 23, 2011 at 08:33 AM PDT

It's Just Business

by dylanwalker

       Conservatives keep running around fussing about how the government should be run like a business.  Never mind the fact that the government wasn’t designed to run as a business, let’s still look at this fascinating assertion anyway.   What is the goal of any business?  Make money, obviously.  Businesses look for any possible means to increase their revenues.  What is a government’s source of revenue?  Taxes!  Duh!  The conservatives want the government ran like a business but they don’t want tax increases.  This just serves as stunning evidence that the shit-kickers don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.  

        But none of that will stop the GOP presidential hopefuls from trying to invent a brand or a narrative for themselves that they are “CEO’s” or “businessmen.”  Unenlightened people respond to that shit, and people like Bachman and Romney will milk that.  Shit-kickers across America will say to them self, “well, he does know how to run a business …”  

        You know what I look for in a candidate?  Never mind the CEO narrative bullshit.  I want someone who is actually capable of critical thought and isn’t afraid to admit it.  Conservatives are huge anti-intellectuals, and the Bush years serve as proof of that.  They brand anyone perceived as being smart “elitist,” even when their own candidates spend hundreds of thousands of dollars at Tiffany’s, take luxurious vacations on yachts, and go on golf junkets in Scotland.  This is shit your average person will never be able to do unless they win the lottery, which, by the way, is their retirement plan.  
Conservatives are low-brow shit-kickers that are completely out of touch with reality.  Completely.  Out.  Of.  Touch.  It is stunning how out of touch they are.    

        This is conservative logic: President Obama is an elitist because he’s “smart.”  Obama is obviously foreign because he’s smart and black.  And he must be a muslim because he has a funny-sounding name.  Socialist!  

        See how that works?  That’s some low-brow conservative logic there.

        On the other hand, Newt Gingrich isn’t an elitist because he “works hard.”  Mitt Romney isn’t an elitist, even though he owns more than one HUGE-fuckin’ house, because he’s a “businessman.”  Sarah Palin isn’t an elitist, despite being a wealthy celebrity idiot, because she’s “pretty.”  Nah, pretty dumb people can’t be elitist, they don’t even know what the word means!

        So, just to sum things up, conservatives are low-brow, shit-kicking, anti-intellectuals, that want a government run like a business, with exception to the whole profit motive thing.  Yeah, that sounds about right.


Sat Aug 20, 2011 at 12:19 PM PDT

Havin' Our Cake And Eatin' it Too

by dylanwalker

        Hi there, this is Conservative America, and we have our priorities completely straight.  We have our government send our military all over the world to protect our perceived (oil) interests overseas, we don’t pay for this military activity within the defense budget and we instead borrow every penny of it from China.  We don’t want to spend a single cent, Chinese or ours, to protect our interests here at home.  Unless it’s to keep the Mexicans out.  And we definitely don’t want the government providing any kind of process that would help people come here legally, because that’s mooching.  

        We want the government inside every woman’s uterus to ensure they carry every fetus to term, but we don’t want the government to provide birth control to poor women, because that’s socialism.  We are very much pro-life but we may have to kill you if you happen to be an OBGYN, commit a capital crime, or if you happen to live in an Arab country.  Oh, and we love denying women access to affordable healthcare, because as everyone knows “healthcare” is really just a fancy euphemism used by liberals that actually means “abortion.”  

       We’re all for getting rid of environmental and water safety standards because businesses should be free of government regulation.  We say “let the market decide” what levels of cyanide are safe in the drinking water.  

       And, here in Conservative America, we believe everyone should have unfettered access to guns and be able to carry them around anywhere they go.  

       We don’t want the government putting people to work building highways, bridges and high-speed rail, no! Commies build roads!  We would rather have the government in your bedroom, and on your bookshelf, and in your local movie theater, telling you who you can marry and what forms of entertainment are acceptable.  We don’t feel that is so-called “government intrusion,” but rather upholding moral standards.

       Here in Conservative America we don’t want the government providing safe and stimulating schools for your kids to get a quality education, we would rather the government give you vouchers and let you “choose” which privately owned school your child goes to, where they can shove religion and superstition down his tiny neck.  

        And in speaking of kids, if you’re a poor single mom, not only are we going to force you to have kids (why aren’t you married, anyway?), but we’re not about to let you have access to pre-natal care, diapers, formula, or help you put the little bastard through pre-school.  

        Nope, you’re on your own in Conservative America.  

        If you’re a good student, but you can’t afford college tuition, sorry, no free lunch here.  Go take out an expensive loan because Conservative America isn’t interested in making college tuition affordable.  That’s government intrusion, and it’s socialist!  

        What’s that?  You want a grant to conduct ground-breaking research to develop new and exciting technologies that would create millions of jobs?  Sorry, but we don’t believe in your voo-doo “science” here in Conservative America.  We know for an absolute fact that highly complex and evolved life spontaneously appeared on our planet 6,000 years ago.  So you nerdy liberals can keep your science.

        We here in Conservative America believe that any form of government spending to help old people pay their medical bills, or god forbid, eat – we believe that is an example of a big, bad government intruding in our lives.  We can’t afford it, we’re broke!  What we do want, though, we do want the government keeping gay people, women and minorities in their place.  Oh, and muslims, too.  We want the government to ensure that muslims and atheists don’t have a place in the public square.  Only white, Christian men.  Real men, not those fancy boys.  Jews are ok, but not the ones that wear those funny-looking black cowboy hats.  

        Here in Christian Conservative America we believe that any form of government “spending” that might benefit our society is “intrusive” and too expensive.  Plus also communist.  We want the government to do what we want it to do, like bomb brown people and impose our religion on others.  And we expect the government to do this for free because taxes are bad.  Bad!

        Here in Conservative America we don’t believe in “establishing justice,” because as everyone knows trial lawyers are liberal.  We want the courts to decide what rights you do have, unless of course the courts are full of liberals, too, in which case we’ll put your rights up on a ballot and fear-monger you into voting against your own best interests.  

        You see, in good ol’ Apple Pie Eatin’, Moose Shootin’, God Fearin’ Christian Conservative America, we don’t believe the phrase “promote the general welfare” in the Constitution actually means we should be a society of people that cares for those among us who have less.  We also don’t believe in securing the blessings of liberty.  At least not for everyone, because god knows if we let the gays marry then sheep fucking will become more than just a hobby in Wyoming.  

        We conservatives oh-so love the Constitution.  Except the parts we don’t like.  Like the bits that allows the government to tax my income (intrusion!), and the part that allows just anyone born here to be a citizen.  We love the Constitution so very much we want to amend it to take out the bits we don’t like, and add new stuff to it to make sure only straight people can get married, because as everyone knows, the only reason to get married is to fuck and have a bunch of kids.   And when you get tired of fucking your current wife you should be able to divorce and get yourself a new and younger one. With bigger tits.   And you should be able to marry and divorce all you want!  We’re trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage, ok!?  What don’t you fuckin’ fags understand about that??

        Oh, and you should know, here in Conservative America, if you’re black and you have a funny-sounding name, we may have to ask you to provide your birth certificate.  Not a certificate of live birth, because god knows that just proves you were born where you said you were born.  No, we want an actual birth certificate because we think it’s actually possible to be born a muslim.  

        So, to wrap things up and to be perfectly clear about our belief system in Conservative America, we have provided this chart to help you understand what we think you should also believe, and never, ever question.  Ever.  Here you go:

Taxes – BAD!

Government – BAD, socialist, and intrusive.  Unless it’s doing the stuff we like.  

Public Safety Net – BAD!  Plus also commie.

Education – BAD! Unless by “education” you really mean “central religious indoctrination center,” then GOOD.

Science – Spooky.

The EPA – Those fuckin’ sandal-wearing liberal hippies telling our industries they can’t “pollute” our drinking water.  Hey, there’s no proof pollution causes cancer, so fuck off!

Huge Military – GOOD!

Unfunded Wars – Awesome!  Deficits don’t matter when you’re blowing shit up.

Tax Cuts for Rich People – Awesome idea, because I don’t want to pay taxes when I get rich.  

Pell Grants – Hey, we just can’t afford to send black students to school anymore, ok?

High-Speed Rail – Commie!  As god knows, only Mexicans would work to build the rail system, not that it matters because government can’t create a job, anyway.

Any Kind of Public Assistance for the Poor and Elderly – BAD!  As god knows, helping the poor and old people only encourages them to stay poor and old.  Plus also socialist.  

        So there you have it, folks.  Welcome to Conservative America.  


10:  You value profit and business interests over the interests and needs of people.
9:  You believe rich people are rich because they “work harder” than regular people.
8:  You actually believe the president is a Socialist.
7:  You have actually said something to the effect of “getting back to the Constitution,” yet you also openly advocate changing the Constitution to fit your political opinion-of-the-moment.
6:  You value property rights over civil rights.
5:  You believe in religious freedom, so long as that religion is your religion.  
4:  In your view gays marrying is a far greater threat to the fabric of our society than our inability to educate our young people.
3:  Your solution to our economic problems?  Let’s just keep doing what President Bush did!
2:  Deficits didn’t matter … at least until a Democrat was elected president.  Now deficits are the end of the world.
1:  You actually think Michelle Bachman is qualified to be the POTUS.

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