I've had years of experience on and off all kinds of combinations of medications to keep bipolar depression, mania, and anxiety at bay. Add Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to that sickening mix. Meds used would include anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, "atypical anti-psychotics", anti-seizure medications (used as "mood stabilizers"), valproic acid, lithium (close to toxic at "therapeutic" levels, anti-anxiety medication, and some shit I can't remember, and Haldol, which was forced upon me. Shit I don't want to remember, honestly.
I've been hospitalized for suicide attempts and a weird paranoia thing, and once woke up on the renal ward, still in a totally scared, paranoid state and hallucinating on occasion. I knew instinctively that I was probably still hallucinating off the crap left in my system. Unfortunately, my first clear memory was waking up in restraints with a guy sitting in the room. Instinctively, again, I screamed for someone to get him out, that I was going to be raped, for someone to fucking help me. I could swear he looked at me almost with amusement, which freaked me out even more, and pissed me the fuck off.
More screaming, non-stop until someone, a woman, finally came and changed places with him. My restraints were checked to see if still on tight by some others, and again I freaked. No one wanted to help me! They shot something up my iv, probably Haldol. I kicked, screamed, tried to fight (all PTSD reactions to this), spit at them, and they put a spit hood over me, and walked away. I could see almost nothing, and eventually was out cold.
I've been on psych wards of hospitals and a private hospital plenty since age 15 and misdiagnosed, etc, but all "voluntary", meaning no court proceedings involved, nothing anywhere near that, and not needed. The age 15 thing was a forced incident though. I had no rights at that age. "Girl, Interrupted" anyone? As an adult, I always knew when it was "time" after I was diagnosed with bipolar, somehow. Others were suicide attempts.
I never went psycho violent on someone, though, my irritability when depressed could go sky high. I pictured whacking people over the head with a 2'x4', but don't we all, honestly, on occasion? I only went as far as being the crazy lady in the street, or store, or bus that would rip you 3 new ones standing up for herself if you fucked with her and wronged her. Way over the top, yes, just an emotion and words though, and it felt damn good. I imagine others wish they could go on a crazy tirade just once like that and get away with it. I just act like it never happened. PMS makes things the absolute worst time, I have to say, the worst, and then you suddenly can't imagine feeling so angry the next day. The only times I have been in "another state" have been away from hospital, in a hotel room, and I came down eventually with meds, water, talking to, a listener, and lots of rest. Non-violent scene.
Well... that has all been since I have been on a combination of (all generic, using brand names so people are more likely to recognize) 450mg wellbutrin, 150mg topomax, 600mg seroquel, 4mg klonopin, 40mg prozac. I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself last year, started writing little suicide notes in secret, was becoming more and more horribly anxious until...BAM! Anxiety attacks at home and agoraphobia. I was still wanting to die but felt too pathetic to bother.
One day, I could take it no more and up and stopped the "atypical anti-psychotic" generic seroquel cold turkey. I woke up the next morning, feeling a bit tired, but got up at the usual time, had my usual limit of coffee, and had NO anxiety attacks since. Of course my husband got angry when he found out, and I called my meds psychiatrist and left him a detailed message. I've since seen him and he is amazed that I have not had a major "reaction", is how he put it kindly. He didn't point the manic finger at me either, very well respected Dr. He was glad to see me happy for once! Just taking it easy now to see how things go the next week or two, still keeping other meds just as they are and vitamins/supplements I had been taking.
It's been a week and a half so far, I've been outside by myself for a quick trip to the coffee shop, then today to the PO, and back, and it wasn't as bad as before at all. I went further today than I did on Saturday. My back started to hurt, and it was really crowded out, but I had to do it. It had to be alone. Agoraphobia will be worked out of my system as well as "anxiety" which I now just call nervousness. Less ugly, less powerful.
So don't judge a "psycho" by their diagnosis or lack of one. And don't assume the majority of mentally ill are criminals. They're actually more often victims.
