I’ve been trying to get a hold of my emotions. Trying to determine how I am feeling- and trying to deal with the crazy mix of rage, fear and resolve so I can function in my daily life. Trying to understand what the hell is happening to my country.
I remember where I was when Kennedy was assassinated. I was ten, and absent from school. My mother was next door with her friend and the friend’s four year old son was with me. We were watching TV when the bulletins came on. Being ten, I got up to change the channel, only to find the news was on every one. That’s when my mother came in and shoved me aside. It was her face, her entire demeanor, that I remember vividly. I knew something terrible had happened.
I believe that’s how I’m feeling right now.
I belong to several ‘resistance’ groups (on Facebook and with meetings). The grassroots efforts in my district (NYCD-1) and the neighboring district (NYCD-2) are outstanding. Hundreds are out canvassing, texting, calling and writing postcards. With every lie, every action, every incident, we despair, but then pull ourselves up and fight the fight to get people to understand that this election is so important. What else can we do?
I’ve been watching The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. (I know- maybe adding fuel to the fire). But I wanted an understanding of how the German people responded to Hitler. The similarities to today are frightening. Even the rash of ‘white women calling cops on people functioning while black” can be found in Nazi Germany, with people caught up in reporting Jews or fellow citizens who even hint at descent. I think of myself as part of the resistance- and sometimes it feels like a secret society- mainly because the groups on Facebook are private. I don’t risk posting politics on my timeline. And I feel guilty and ashamed.
I’ve also watched everything there was on the Sixties, especially 1968. I remember those days. I remember the fear and despair when MLK, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy were killed. I remember the riots, the destruction, the fear. The anti-war protests and the Women’s movement I actively participated in the Civil Rights movement. I marched, heard MLK Jr. speak, shook Rev. Ralph Abernathy’s hand. And I’m furious. I marched in the Sixties. Can’t believe I’m marching in my 60’s.
I remember Kent State. I remember the protest we staged at my high school (planned and executed within a half hour). Nobody moved when the first bell rang. Nobody. Being a Catholic school (and a liberal one at that), we were instructed to go to the auditorium where we were able to discuss our feelings of outrage and fear. Of course, there was a Mass. And we were released for the rest of the day. I would welcome something like that now.
I remember Watergate. My family followed the story from Day One. My brother was obsessed- so we all got caught up in the aspects as they were revealed to the public. It was like being part of a mystery novel. What would happen next? There really wasn’t fear so much as “holy shit”. There wasn’t despair, just a conviction that Nixon would pay for what he did. Wish I could feel that way now.
(As a side note, I have always felt that the entire Watergate affair should be acknowledged as a holiday. It showed that our system of government worked. That in spite of all the crimes committed, we moved on, with a president who wasn’t elected and a country willing to accept that the national nightmare was over.)
But with a republican congress refusing to acknowledge the threat this administration poses to our country, this national nightmare will never end. So I focus on getting out the vote. Campaigning for the Blue Wave. Trying to believe that we will prevail on Nov. 6th- and come January, we could start ‘taking our country back’.
But now I worry. With the news of the bombs sent to the Clinton’s, the Obama’s, CNN and now a Democratic congresswoman from Miami, I'm really worried what will happen on November 7th?
Can we really go on with just the notion of “well, we won the World War against fascism. We survived the Sixties. We got over Watergate” so this too shall pass? Will it?
What if republicans refuse to concede? How much damage can be done in three months?
I’m very sorry if I sound like a worry-wart. Like I said, I’m desperately trying to get a hold of my feelings. Desperately trying to find that place of “we will fix this”. Desperately trying to remain positive and optimistic.
Just not doing a good job of it.
