Skip to main content

"Where are we headed?" she said. "To a bar" I said.  "a land without feelings or genuine interest In order To reduce the awareness of Our mortality thru sin, vice, and false language in a failed attempt at connection"

Me: I'm old enough to remember when Eddie Murphy was funny.

Young Person: Who's Eddie Murphy?

"Hi welcome to America we have half a dozen shows about people getting thrown out of their houses for having too much stuff."

watches approaching self destruction I need to catch this


Don't blame me, I voted for not blaming me

34%8 votes
26%6 votes
39%9 votes

| 23 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading

What do we haunt? the shell of our former selves
When do we haunt it? averts gaze

Always make one unobtainable goal so when you've completed your real goals this fucker will keep the infinite void that surrounds us at bay.

man's best friend:
dead gods

great places to go:
fuck yourself

“The world has never been more dangerous than it is today." -marco rubio

genghis khan
bubonic plague
nazis and fascism

Whatever, rube

keep your abyss in your pants, pal


What if Andy Kaufman has been Steve Harvey this whole time?

16%6 votes
16%6 votes
66%24 votes

| 36 votes | Vote | Results


I just want a monster I can believe in.

It takes a nation of minions to hold us back.

I rarely get the chance to not know where I am.

Marco Rubio sounds like the most boring swimming pool game ever.

I hope you guys don't think for one second.

Do not lose faith in dreams. Dreams are an ocean; if a few drops become billy, the ocean does not become billy. Now get into my car. -gandhi

It's not a fetish until I have an orgasm.

Okay, back to crying in the 7-eleven parking lot.


How about if we make the $20 a very heavy coin we can pelt old white men with?

38%23 votes
13%8 votes
47%28 votes

| 59 votes | Vote | Results


"Civilization is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness. Could I have curly fries, please."

Save the planet! Jupiter, that is. Or Mars. Not this one. This one is terrible.

You are not good or bad: think of yourself simply as a feral animal trying to avoid eating weaker animals that look like you. You monster.

No matter how busy you get, take the time to focus on self care. There are literally thousands of toys and lotions to help with this.

Television disappointed me after I grew up and moved to the city and it turned out none of my neighbors were Muppets.


gravity is all wrong again

9%3 votes
15%5 votes
75%25 votes

| 33 votes | Vote | Results


If Orwell was alive today, he'd probably just shrug and ask for an extra shift at 7-eleven.

The earth is a serial killer that wants us as a species dead. I respect the hell out of that.

Nobody starts out eating eight spiders when they sleep. You try out one or two until you work up a nice rhythm.

Haystacks would be lost without needles.


Do you ever get the feeling that no one knows what they're doing?

71%109 votes
1%3 votes
12%19 votes
14%22 votes

| 153 votes | Vote | Results


Quick  somebody give me $5 billion so I can make Bernie Sanders president.
I'm a weird middle aged white suburban guy. If police kept killing the children of people like me with impunity, I would be in the streets hurling rocks.

Yeah, Hillary Clinton is just like us... if we're all selfish millionaires.

When you are resigned to your fate, the cigarette and blindfold come naturally.


I think there’s something wrong with my dog. Every time we go hang gliding, he totally freaks out.

4%3 votes
1%1 votes
16%12 votes
77%55 votes

| 71 votes | Vote | Results


Take heart! The internet proves no matter who you are, no matter what you do, someone out there will always find you tiresome.

There's gotta be some endangered animals who get addicted to the excitement of being endangered.

Humans are fucked. Our "leaders" are still talking about manual labor as if it's a positive thing.

Take time to smell the flowers and ask yourself when was the last time you were properly defiled.


So, how do you feel about the fact that you only exist if my mind lets you exist?

13%16 votes
9%11 votes
32%38 votes
43%51 votes

| 116 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading

Before you break your foot off in that ass, remember, you only have so many feet.

Good night. It is Dec. 30, 2014. Affirmation: "In 2015 I will not star in a viral video in which I am eaten alive by steroidal ferrets."

glares at Time
Let go of my wrist, bro. And stop directing me where to go.

You guys are fuckin weird. It's tough being the only normal one around all the time but I manage.


You have to open that closet and check on those skeletons from time to time if not they'll check up on you.

43%13 votes
10%3 votes
46%14 votes

| 30 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading

'Hard work pays off son,' he said while they watched as the owner of grumpy cat raked in a cool $100 million.

Life is what we make of it. And humans are natural creators. Mostly of poop and dead skin cells. So. That's life, basically.

Don't sweat going fetal, screaming and clawing at your own skin, it's a pretty rational reaction to the holiday season.

Life is a never-ending series of stresses and strains and at the end you're swallowed in darkness, but you know, bacon is pretty cool.

right clicks existentialism


I don't mind digging my own grave, but just how fucking deep does this hole need to be?

3%2 votes
56%35 votes
40%25 votes

| 62 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as You agree to everything in it, You can use the Heaven app.

Don't blame the universe when bad things happen to you. Maybe your enemies added bad stuff happening to you to their vision boards.

If Richard Nixon were alive today he'd be all, like, wait, I can spy on everybody now?


The "good old times" mostly consisted of "good old" racism mixed with "good old" sexism.

7%4 votes
1%1 votes
9%5 votes
27%15 votes
54%30 votes

| 55 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading

Chris Rock didn't graduate from high school but that does not stop him from imparting wisdom to us from his perspective. I really do like listening to his perspective.

When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it’s all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they’re not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.

Right. It’s ridiculous.

So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. There’s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. If you saw Tina Turner and Ike having a lovely breakfast over there, would you say their relationship’s improved? Some people would. But a smart person would go, “Oh, he stopped punching her in the face.” It’s not up to her. Ike and Tina Turner’s relationship has nothing to do with Tina Turner. Nothing. It just doesn’t. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

Adulthood is the daily process of looking into the mirror and saying "I used to look better than this"

9%19 votes
7%15 votes
13%28 votes
9%20 votes
10%21 votes
12%26 votes
12%25 votes
2%6 votes
22%46 votes

| 206 votes | Vote | Results


If you're ever found to be supporting a contradiction or factual flaw, just jump out of the Airplane of Logic and pull the Ripcord of Faith!

┏(°.°)┛♪ HOLLER INTO
♪┗(°.°)┓ THE VOID
┗(°.°)┛♪ UNTIL IT

There is no meaning to life, so for the love of all that ain't holy, have a beer and shut the fuck up for a little while.


Kind of sad knowing that my best fuck ups are probably behind me.

80%48 votes
1%1 votes
18%11 votes

| 60 votes | Vote | Results

Continue Reading
You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.


Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site