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View Diary: I've decided to go on a feeding tube (255 comments)

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  •  What's your cut? (4.00)
    I don't agree to shit until I know the score.
    •  Bob, Don't Sign With Him (4.00)
      I can do everything he promises, plus get you legislation signed by the president in his pajamas.  jmsdlawyer will never eat in DC again, but DeLay owes me.
      •  Mr Johnson (4.00)
        Please see my proposal re: concession rights.  I can work with you.
      •  Pot Sweeteners (4.00)
        Bob, I've just been working the phones, and I can also offer you the following:

        1. A book deal with Regenery, provided you can somehow attribute blame for something to Hillary Clinton.

        2. A six-week gig in Vegas with Bill Bennett.

        3. Your own cooking show on the Food Network: Tasty Tubin' With Bob.

        4. Not one, but two appearances on Oprah.

        5. A video directed by Spike Jonze.

        6. Mel Gibson wants to talk with you about developing your story into a film.  If that falls through, the Lifetime network is a fallback.  If that falls through, I guarantee you we've can put something together with PAX.

        7. Curt Schilling wants to visit hospitals with you, and if you run for office, he'll campaign on your behalf.

        8. Kato Kaelin has offered to be your personal valet.

        9. Michael Graves is working on some a line of accessory feeding tubes that will be marketed in your name and sold at Target.

        I'll get back to you with more details later.

        And yes, we need to get together and do glucose and saline...

        •  Another Development (4.00)
          Just to show how much I love you, I'm doing something for you free of charge, no commission: some of my contacts with the youth market are creating a fad of showing solidarity with you by tossing feeding tubes over telephone wires.  This fad ought to raise awareness of feeding tubes and really heighten demand for the tubes that we can market in your name.

          Oh, my assistant just handed me a note letting me know that our design people have already come up with the tube decals for the back of SUV's.  Not big revenue with that stuff, but the margins are killer.

          I'll get back to you with details.

          Love ya babe...

          •  Halloween costumes! (4.00)
            Better get the licensing folks on the case, pronto.  October's not that far off.  You want the kids to have the real thing, plus it's more $$$$ for all of us.  

            Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising!

        •  We're edging closer to a deal. (none)
          My wife will be in touch.

          I need something for the youth market.

          Think about it...

        •  classic. (4.00)
          Why do I get the feeling that somewhere, somehow, all of this is being orchestrated by Marilyn Manson?  Angry rightwing Christians + media circus + miscellaneous medical equipment + Florida + a few registered sex offenders + death threats = who else?  Look behind the curtain, people!
      •  Why I oughta (4.00)
        you. . .you . . . . woman!  That's it, yeah!  :-P

        You cut in on my action and I swear, I'll send Tonya Harding after you with a baseball bat.

        "DeLay owes me."  Ha.  That's nothing.  I decide whether Dennis Hastert gets to have lunch.  Since he's been so good to me, I've been letting him have lunch THREE TIMES a day.  But if he crosses me, watch out.  He'll never eat lunch in this town again.

        A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day -- this day we fight

        by jsmdlawyer on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 08:34:01 AM PST

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        •  Unless you live in the Portland metro area (4.00)
          You better not dare use the name of Tonya Harding.

          We are still in need of having her pick up our trash along the I-5 and I-205 corridors. And when she gets done with that we will point back into the boxing gig or maybe a new gig with WOW.

          We need revenue in ur state for schools here in Oregon, so get your own white-trash, money-cow damn-it!

          ;-)

          cheers,

          Mitch Gore

          Nobody will change America for you, you have to work to make it happen

          by Lestatdelc on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 09:19:06 AM PST

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          •  Damn I haven't heard about Harding (none)
            Since I lived in Beaverton, and went to the theater near where her apartment was in the full media swing. I remember looking over and seeing the flock of newsvans opening doors and cameramen running when someone saw her.

            I never heard about the boxing thing. Must have been on TV.

            :)

            The culture wars are over, everyone lost.

            by faux on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 01:57:36 PM PST

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    •  Minister get-up (4.00)
      Bob:  I'll be there in one of those black robes that Rev. Mahoney has.  I've heard him speak often enough, I think I can pull it off with a little practice.
      •  these "agents" are imposters (4.00)
        I can deliver both Jesse Jackson and Michael Jackson to your bedside...
        •  Can you get Jackson Browne... (4.00)
          ... to write a tune about me?
          •  Oh, Forgot to Mention... (4.00)
            ...that in addition to all of this, Elton John is working on a song about you set to the melody of Candle in the Wind.
          •  done (4.00)
            I can't keep up with what's been going on
            I think my heart must just be slowing down
            Among the human beings in their designer jeans
            Am I the only one who hears the screams
            And the strangled cries of Bob Johnson

            God sends his spaceships to America, the beautiful
            They land at six o'clock and there we are, the dutiful
            Eating from TV trays, tuned into to Happy Days
            Waiting for World War III while Jesus slaves
            To the mating calls of Bob Johnson

            Last night I watched the news from Washington, the capitol
            The Russians escaped while we weren't watching them, like Russians will
            Now we've got all this room, we've even got the moon
            And I hear the U.S.S.R. will be open soon
            As vacation land for Bob Johnson © JB 2005

          •  I missed the humor of you Kossack fellows (none)
            for some month. You were shocked, ashamed, confused and had a lot of ideas what to do.
            Humor - Bob's humor - brings you back to life. I was very amused to read this.
            Thanks Bob for the laughter - even when it is a dirty laughter.
            Juergen

            Bushfire? - No! - fire Bush!

            by juergendopp on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 08:32:01 AM PST

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          •  This Just In (none)
            Oprah wants to book your story for a series of eight shows.

            The Today Show wants you to do a guest spot weekly.

            Simon Cowell wants to hear you sing.

            Meeting with King of Sweden available.

          •  all Jacksons, all the time (4.00)
            I see a CNN special report coming out of this...

            "I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats." - Eckhart Tolle

            by catnip on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 09:54:27 AM PST

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            •  Let's see (4.00)
              Jesse Jackson ... check!
              Michael Jackson ... check!
              Jackson Browne ... check!
              Janet Jackson ... hmmm ...

              Just a thought: Maybe we can get her to expose her breast to simulate "a mother feeding her helpless PSV son". Sort of a Madonna and child tableau. The fundies will go wild for it!

              So ...

              Janet Jackson ... to do!
              Jackson Pollack ... dang! Too bad he's dead. I'd love to see a scatter painting: "Bob Johnson with exploding feeding tube.

              "You don't lead by pointing and telling people some place to go. You lead by going to that place and making a case." - Ken Kesey

              by Glinda on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 10:10:16 AM PST

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          •  Well now...if that's what your looking for (4.00)
            I can get Jackson Browne to write you a song to the tune of Cocaine and he will be accompanied by Jimmy Buffett, Don Henley and OutKast (for the younger set).

            I can promise that the "Concert for Bob" featuring these and other assorted acts (to be named later) will make TBS or CBS (your choice) if we can not strike a deal with ABC or NBC.

            Revenues off the concert will be great and you will get 25 minutes in 3-5 minute segments from your bed to address America.

            These other players are offering you Delay and Hastert...I have the connections to Ted Stevens and Robert Byrd, and as we all know they control the pursestrings. I can get you the best cash deals while they are just posing on the house side.

            My cut? 28% with a guarantee that you walk away from the whole stunt with 5.2 mil in your pocket.

            "Religion's in the hands of some crazy ass people..." Jimmy Buffett

            by Show Me Dem on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 10:08:49 AM PST

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        •  If it were me (none)
          I'd make the condition that Michael Jackson stay far far away from my bedside

          I ain't hit the brakes since I bought this car.

          by George on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 08:51:00 AM PST

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    •  Cut? (4.00)
      You talking strip steaks, or filet mignon?

      For you, I'll reduce my rates.  In other words, I'll actually leave you with SOME money.  ;-D

      A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day -- this day we fight

      by jsmdlawyer on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 08:30:11 AM PST

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    •  Bob, you better pick one of these lawyers fast (4.00)
      Johnnie Cochran is dead ya know.

      Governor Brian Schweitzer: "He's sort of our Howard Dean on the ranch."

      by Ed in Montana on Wed Mar 30, 2005 at 08:33:10 AM PST

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