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View Diary: I'm so angry, I'm crying; I'm so sad, I want to scream. (185 comments)

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  •  The pain will never go away (19+ / 0-)

    My heart goes out to you.  

    I'm 40 and I'm still angry and sad myself.  I had the opposite problem in some ways- I was the gentle giant.  I was taller and beefier than almost everyone at my schools from the time I hit junior high.  But I hated fighting and violence.  I always wanted to talk, to negotiate.  Everyone knew this and they all attacked with impunity.  The times when I did snap, when I fought back (and cleaned the clocks of my tormentors), guess who got in trouble?  After all, I was bigger, right?

    I remember the worst part, though, the time when I finally realized I was gonna be alone in this.  I was in 10th grade.  I was walking to the locker room after gym class when this jock kid came up next to me and sucker-punched me in the face, breaking my glasses.  I had fantasies about lifting him off his feet and throwing him down the stairs, but I listened to my better side and restrained myself.  I got a shiner, and after I admitted what happened my father, enraged, went to the assistant principal.  
    It was after hours, and the secretary was gone.  I waited outside and then wandered into the office.  The assistant principal didn't know I was there.  I could hear my father's muffled voice behind the office door, and he didn't sound happy.  The door opened and the assistant principal walked out, his head turned, and remarked to my father, "What your boy needs is to stop being such a wussy..." At this point he turned and saw me.  He turned red and kind of smirked.  We left.  
    It was then that I realized that adults weren't special.  Some adults were nothing more than grown-up bullies.  My father had always told me I was smart, that someday the bullies would be working for me.  I knew then that this was at worst a lie, at best wishful thinking.  I have since confirmed that the bullies are the ones who ended up working for and running the corporations that are draining our economy and killing our planet.  They're ruthless, and they've gotten where they are by inflicting misery and pain.  Since they're not "wussies", society rewards them.  This is, sadly, the way the world works.  And if they do go too far, if they get screwed over themselves, if they do fall from their lofty perch, they will never see or understand the lessons in their misfortune.  

    They are to be pitied.  

    I'm happy.  I have a smart, wonderful (and very beautiful) wife.  I have a steady job and it's a job I like in a field I enjoy.  But the scars remain, and they always will.

    Congratulations on finding a good life.  You won't be able to forget, so don't... use it as fuel, stitch it into a flag to rally around.  We may have been hurt, but we are alive, and we can do our best to help others.    

    My very best to you.

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