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View Diary: Caveats for Caretakers (5) (12 comments)

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  •  Thanks for this series, so need the help (4+ / 0-)

    God, I need help. I am afraid, angry, ashamed at my parents. I am an only child and live 2500 miles away. The health of both my parents has gotten much worse over the past 3 years, even though they are pretty young 68 and 71.
    My father has/has had cancer 5 times, one shoulder missing for a year (no rotor cuff), a broken ankle, chrinic liver disease, poor kidney function, out of control diabetes, hypotension that makes him fall and break bones.
    My mother has a whole number of health problems but also has dementia. She is quickly getting to the point she will need constant care.
    My father has spent more time at rest homes and hospitals this year than home. My mother stayed with her mother who is 94, fought with her. Then I had 2 different women come to stay with her at night, hugely expensive for nothing.
    I have begged, beseeched, threatened, cajoled them for years to go to assisted living. I have relatives, friends, every one of their doctors speak with them. I have said we could wind down their house over 2 years, so there is no huge stress. Have taken them to some great and lovely facilities.
    NOTHING WORKS. They will not do it, after 3 years of begging.
    What will happen is this: they will reach the point when my father has a serious stroke or is permanently disabled. Then I will have to find any place that is available even away from their town.
    Or worse: he dies, I have to take my mother to court to say she is incompetent, then fight to get some assets to but her in a facility. She will probably have to be physically removed from the home. Either that or I have to tell a woman with Alzheimers to rot because she will not go.
    No financial plan when he dies either. He tells me about all of their assets but it simply passes to her, they are afraid to give me power of attorney, although I have been nothing but honest with them my entire life. So a huge nightmare awaits.
    I am angry, bitter, sad, desperate about this whole thing. Wrote a diary about it in January/February if anyone is interested.

    •  I went and read your January diary (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      gladkov

      It was heartbreaking. Sorry, I have no advice for you, only sympathy. I really don't see what options you have. Some commenters pointed out that it is the nature of free will and there is not much you can do to help them, much as you want to. It is a good advert for getting these powers long before they are needed, when the person is of sound mind. All you can do is muddle along day to day until whatever happens, happens. That's what we do. If we sent my dad to a nursing home, he would not understand why we sent him away. He is now a cheerful but bonkers old man, totally incontinent, with two heart conditions, failing kidneys, diabetes, and colon cancer. His personality is the opposite of what it used to be (mean), thank goodness.  The only thing he can do on his own is feed himself from a bowl. He cannot walk unaided and makes mess after mess. The rage I sometimes feel at the responsibility and work shocks me; I have to take a walk. You do have to take care of you. I hope you post a diary when you can.

      The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right. Mark Twain

      by BlueMississippi on Fri Jul 13, 2012 at 03:21:40 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  Sadly, same thing here mom would not (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      gladkov

      leave her home until the hospital said she couldn't return home and sadly I asked her to help me sort out her things etc. prior to her condition worsening. It caused a lot of bitterness to have to be responsible for rummaging through and sorting through 50 years of belongings. All due to stubborness. Again, a life lesson but I feel your pain and sadly until the doctor declares your loved ones legally unfit to care for themselves you are at the mercy of that opinion sadly when too late and so much responsibility. Try to prepare as much as you can for this reality. I wish you the best, and will wish you surround your thoughts with positive and  not negative energy!

      "Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me." ~kay~

      by Kwamo on Fri Jul 13, 2012 at 08:52:43 PM PDT

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