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View Diary: The Firm That Makes Fake People and Bans Real News (34 comments)

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  •  You are not a journalist. (3+ / 0-)
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    Ashaman, allergywoman, Lost and Found
    This issue is tremendous in its scope - a trillion dollar sector involving mundane defense contracting worth non-mundane money, with huge portion of execs that did their romantic stint at The Agency or NSA.
    This flabby, rambling sentence is overloaded with cutesy devices that convey no precise information. Why is some defense contracting "mundane" while stints at NSA and "the Agency" are "romantic"? How many is "a huge portion of execs"? Executives in what industries? "Defense contractors" comprise a huge spectrum of industry from toilet paper to tanks. The information that many officials in defense-related industries are former government officials from the Pentagon and security agencies is not new.
    The head of Booz Allen Hamilton, a huge U.S. company that, if heard of, most will think of as maybe an adviser to firms that need to get their mail cheaper or whatever, is the former NSA director.
    All this sentence should say is " A former NSA director heads Booz Allen Hamilton, a large U.S. firm with a low public profile." That's the only actual information your sentence conveys. (You don't even give the person's name.) The rest is your insufferable embroidery. However, I already distrust the accuracy of your information about Booz Allen Hamilton, and would need outside confirmation to accept it, because you are an incompetent writer.
    Little is known of Booz's intelligence security capabilities, advisory work, collaborations with the agencies that many of its top people come from, and other things we know about firms that cater to lots of people rather than a few powerful ones.
    Little is known? Who doesn't know much? You? the public? Government agencies that spy on such entities? Hackers? You just stiplulated that litttle is known; what do you mean by "other things we know"?  This sentence is abominable. What do you mean by "firms that cater to lots of people?" How many is "lots"? By "cater to" do you mean serve private-sector customers?

    You know what? This is hopeless. I shall never waste time trying to penetrate one your self-indulgent, juvenile, execrably-written wanks again. When you get  hold of a good story, send the raw data to a journalist and let him or her handle it.

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