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View Diary: Hi everyone, I'm Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. (271 comments)

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  •  A kindred soul.. You are not alone. (13+ / 0-)

    Matt,

    Much like yourself I began reading Daily Kos years ago.   I never posted, ever.  DK was about me connecting with others' minds that see the world similarly, things for what they really are, inequity in a way that doesn't discard any segment of society, and existence in a way that reassured me that life is worth living.   It was a bit of blog heaven in a world full of greed, avarice, and nausea--a momentary daily respite within oceans of shame and guilt.  

    For years, I was disgusted with the bulk of the human species which included myself.   I, too, am an alcoholic.   I have been addicted to just about anything that separates pain from my psyche.  

    I am 36 and somewhat newly sober.  Early in life, I began to lie to everyone because I am gay.   One lie leads to thousands.   Thousands lead to guilt so overwhelming that pain becomes a comfort zone.   That comfort zone was only manageable with some numbing agent.   I knew of no other existence until this year.  

    I still feel fragile sometimes just like you, but the coping mechanism to make it through those vulnerable emotions is not my historic one.   It sounds odd to me to say that I did anything to 'not feel' for all of my adult life, but that was my primary objective.  

    Oddly, it was an emotion that saved me.  The reciprocal love with my father, who died this July, finally put me in a place to where I realized I didn't have to feel bad about me anymore.  He loved me so unconditionally that I finally realized I shouldn't feel the shame and guilt.

    I deeply hope that you learn to care about yourself as much as others.   I cry as I write this.   I hope you learn to give yourself a pass now and then when you fail, and you will.   I have failed many times since my father's death but I was still on a trajectory towards sobriety.  

    I hope you learn to be ok with feeling fragile.   It will not last forever, neither one occurrence nor the rest of your life.   You will feel so raw emotionally at times that it might scare you.  I do as well.  

    You are not alone.

    Brandon

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