Skip to main content

View Diary: To My Dad & Sorry for my Rant (123 comments)

Comment Preferences

  •  My LORD! (14+ / 0-)

    What is wrong with him? Seriously, why on earth is he doing that to you?

    So sorry you are having to deal with this.

    Women create the entire labor force. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sympathy is the strongest instinct in human nature. - Charles Darwin

    by splashy on Wed Nov 28, 2012 at 10:23:17 AM PST

    •  It sounds to me like he has some sort of (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Fleet, BlueOak, OldDragon, treesrock

      personality disorder: I'd guess it's either Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD; note that this is an entirely different condition from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

      One general rule for dealing with people with personality disorders (or difficult people in general) is "don't JADE", which is to say, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. In your recap of today's argument, you were JADEing quite a bit, and it had the effect that it always does: a prolonged argument that never resolves anything but leaves you feeling miserable and exhausted. As the old saying goes, you can't reason someone out of a position that they never reasoned themselves into.

      It is very difficult to resist the temptation to JADE, but it gets easier with practice. The idea is that you don't
      owe him any justification for the choices you make as an adult; if he doesn't accept them now, he never will and nothing you can say will change it, so trying to justify is just a waste of effort. If he's willfully refusing to understand, you don't owe him any further explanation; nothing you can say will make him understand. Since you're not a minor child, you're not in the military, and you're not in jail/prison, he has no legitimate authority over you, so you don't need to defend yourself. And so on.

      Normal rules of etiquette don't apply when dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, since they hinge on both parties observing them. Of course you still need to avoid being an actual asshole (as opposed to merely a perceived asshole in his distorted perception), but you can't use kid gloves.

      A couple websites to start out with:
      1.Out of the FOG which deals with PDs in general (FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt). One of their forums is specifically about "unchosen relationships" such as those between a child and parent.

      2.the Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group The emphasis there tends to be more on SO-type relationships (where the PD is interfering with expectations of romantic love and sexual intimacy) but all issues related to OCPD are welcome. I sometimes post there. Particularly look at the two rating scales in the "Self Tests" section and apply them to your father.

      In a dog-eat-dog world, rabies is an advantage in the short term.

      by ebohlman on Wed Nov 28, 2012 at 12:48:08 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Note that "you" in the above post is addressed (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        to smartEpants, not splashy, though I think the advice is of general applicability.

        In a dog-eat-dog world, rabies is an advantage in the short term.

        by ebohlman on Wed Nov 28, 2012 at 12:53:59 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  I've been reading comments (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:

        and I'm thinking the same thing about the father that you and a few others are addressing.  I'm hearing some kind of personality disorder in the guy, and trying to reason with him will just get smartEpants bogged down in his messed-up distortions.

        The most important thing smartEpants is YOU and your beautiful girls.  The way your father makes you feel cannot be good for you.  I hope you can find someone else to help with rides.  I hope you can keep him away from you while you are getting well.  Honestly, just reading the things he said to you made my blood pressure shoot up.  That man would pose a health risk to Lance Armstrong.

        Thanks for the information ebohlman. My mom is just like smartEpants' dad, and I had to figure the JADE thing out by trial and error myself.  It's still incredible to discover the resources you've linked to. Had no idea such understanding existed and was formalized and published somewhere. So relieved that it does.

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site