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View Diary: Thoughts on Raising a Daughter (129 comments)

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  •  I've read that same thing, however... (8+ / 0-)

    I worry that just substituting "you must have worked hard" for "you're smart" will lead to confusion when the child hasn't worked hard to do something.

    If someone praised me for working hard when I ripped through my math homework in nothing flat, because I'm good at math, that wouldn't have been accurate or useful.  But of course you have to pay attention to the child to make sure the praise is appropriate.

    Active Listening practiced here.

    by CA coastsider on Thu Dec 06, 2012 at 06:01:12 PM PST

    [ Parent ]

    •  My favorite parenting book (12+ / 0-)

      How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, discusses praise and recommends that praise be specific.  Not "that's a great picture" but "I really like the way you use colors, especially here in the garden."  Not "you look so pretty" but "I like how you put outfits together; I wouldn't have thought of xxx."  The thinking is that specific praise shows that you are paying attention, and doesn't lead to that all-or-nothing feeling of needing to live up to something all the time even if you are not sure what it is.  It praises the child for doing something specific, not for a state of being.  \

      The change to working hard from being smart is the same sort of thing, I think.  And I agree that the story of how you taught her to deal with a bully is remarkable. Where on earth did you get that idea?

      Republicans want to make government small enough to fit in your vagina..

      by ramara on Thu Dec 06, 2012 at 08:03:01 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Love the suggestions! Thank you. (5+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        ramara, mithra, The Marti, Mr Robert, kurt

        Because I didn't want her to say anything that would get her in trouble. If she insulted the boy, he could tattle on her. Silence was best. It's a little hard for her, being the new kid.

        When I was 17, Daddy told me, "Never say anything today that will change all your tomorrows." I have a very sharp tongue, and I took that to heart. It's usually far better for me to remain silent than to say something absolutely cutting that I cannot take back and that will never be forgotten.

    •  It can be more subtle than just words (6+ / 0-)

      A sincere look of pride, stating "this was a job well done" and then stating why is understated and doesn't overpraise.

      This is just the technique I've tried to use.

      I cringe whenever I hear "GOOD JOB!" hollered at kids for mediocre or expected acts. But, middle class America can be very competitive for parents. I want my kids to know they earned the success they created...they don't merit praise just for existing.

      Just my opinion. :)

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