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View Diary: Sex with Someone Who's Sleeping is Rape (104 comments)

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  •  Spoken truly like a person (3+ / 0-)

    who's never been in such a bad relationship situation.  Abused partners / spouses aren't idiots.  But they also are forced to deal with a wide variety of other factors, from lingering emotions for their victimizer (which leads to or believing their lies about how they've changed / won't do the bad behavior again, or making excuses for them) to a financial inability to part, to all sorts of other complications - children which can be used as a way to hurt the other partner if they don't do what is desired, complicated entangled joint assets, knowledge which can be used to blackmail or embarrass the other person accrued over the course of the relationship, and on and on.  Abused partners and spouses don't stick with their abusers or let themself be abused because they're idiots, they do because the situation is a lot more complex than you'd like to play it out to be, and avoiding abuse isn't always the best option.

    In this case, it sounds like there's a lot of the lingering emotions thing, which is a very powerful factor.  As much as you'd like to believe that the reality is "one violation and all of your emotions for them go by the wayside", that's not the case.  My former spouse abused me progressively more and more over the course of our 11 year relationship before I finally left.  My TV today is at a slight angle because I once got shoved into it so hard it bent the stand.  But you can't just "turn off" emotions.  And you can't turn off sympathy for another person you know well or stop making excuses for their behavior.

    My spouse had serious depression and emotional problems which I long suspected were tied to the same at-birth brain injury that caused their epilepsy.  They'd go from totally loving to screaming or even hitting me in a heartbeat.  There were a few times where I even feared for my life.  But it was all in a flash and then it was all back to normal with the same person I had known and had feelings for all that time.  And you pity them.  It's not their fault they're like that, right?  At least that's what goes through your mind.

    Only the diarist can address the specifics in her case.  From the sound of it, though, they were in a long-term relationship, so clearly there were feelings involved.  Clearly he had sexual problems that she had pity for.  Clearly she was financially dependent on him and didn't want to do anything that would end up with her on the street.  Clearly she, at least at first, believed his lies about how he wouldn't do it again.

    And Clearly He Was In The Wrong Each And Every Time He Did That.

    So I suggest you put your blame on the obvious perpetrator here and not on the victim and her complicated situation.

    •  One of the reasons I wrote such a long diary was (0+ / 0-)

      to give some sense of the complexity of the relationship. One of the reasons I started the story when we were in college was to include the part where other guys who were interested in me lost interest when I gained approximately fifteen or twenty pounds. And that boyfriend and I had been getting along perfectly, including the period before we were dating when we were "just friends", where non-sexual things were concerned. So, I had this odd sense of gratitude and real sense of being cared for as a person when the relationship started.

      I think it's easy to fall into assumptions or stereotypes about what sort of person is abused or what sort of person is an abuser (I don't mean you, Rei; I mean people in general.) I was far more sexually experienced than he was and generally more sexually confident. Of course, that probably increased his insecurity. At the same time, it was probably insensitive of me to ask for an open, or at least partially open, relationship. He agreed to it, but in retrospect I think he felt like I had the upper hand in the relationship.

    •  If you visit a friends home who smokes like a (0+ / 0-)

      chimney, the first time you can claim ignorance.  But if you are allergic to smoke and you go back time and time again, who's fault is that?  The friend who smokes knowing you are allergic, or you for entering that home?

      There are victims of assholes, but there are also victims of themselves, who put themselves in harms way knowingly.  At this point they cease to be victims.

      95% of all life forms that once existed on earth are now extinct. It is only a matter of time until the Republicans follow suit.

      by PRRedlin on Thu Dec 13, 2012 at 06:15:44 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Right. Because a relationship is like going to a (1+ / 0-)
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        friend's home.  Rather than one of the most complicated things humans get involved in, one which can involve losing children, all of you're life's assets, dealing with powerful and complex emotions, and ending up on the street.

        And someone smoking in their own home is like a boyfriend raping his girlfriend in her sleep.

        Right.  Great analogy.

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