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View Diary: It's me, It's not you - the second month begins (93 comments)

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  •  It comes in waves. (11+ / 0-)

    I lost my closest friend to cancer in 2008.  We had plenty of time to say our goodbyes, and during his final months, I spent as much time with him as I could.  Even still, his death was a shock.  There was the funeral, the shiva, and then . . . nothing.  I felt like I was out there alone with my grief.

    It seemed to come in waves.  There were days when I was more or less fine, and then other days when I found myself crying uncontrollably.  As time passed, however, the waves became both less powerful and less frequent.  I still think of him every day, but now the pain is more of a dull ache.

    From your description, you're actually coping pretty well.  Many people facing a loss like yours can't even do the things they have to do, so the fact that you're taking care of yourself (doing laundry, cooking your meals) and taking care of professional obligations (course prep) means you're handling this better than most, I think.  And that's especially true given the gravity of your loss.  

    So I think you should pat yourself on the back.  You should also forgive yourself if you find you just can't bring yourself to do something.  I know you have DK diaries to write, but if you find you're in a state where you just can't write one, then let it go.  The world will not end if you don't publish on schedule, and God knows everyone here will understand.

    Hang in there, my brother.  We're all thinking of you.

    Hugs,

    FCJ

    "Ça c'est une chanson que j'aurais vraiment aimé ne pas avoir écrite." -- Barbara

    by FogCityJohn on Mon Jan 07, 2013 at 10:28:53 AM PST

    •  Thank you, John (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      FogCityJohn, kj in missouri

      I'm SO aware it's waves.  Joan Didion, in A Year of Magical Thinking found it described (by Melanie Klein, yet, as

      a modified and transitory manic-depressive state
      which we eventually overcome.

      Now I just have to remember to eat, and I'm looking forward to seeing you on the 19th.

      -7.75, -8.10; Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? . . . and respect the dignity of every human being.

      by Dave in Northridge on Mon Jan 07, 2013 at 01:07:16 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  To add to what FogCityJohn said, (3+ / 0-)

        if there are days when all you want to do is crawl into bed and cry all day, then that's what you should do. You seem determined to create normalcy when your life isn't normal right now. You obviously have obligations, and maybe that's good. But, in the same way you would rest if you had a physical pain, it helps to pamper yourself when the pain is emotional. In terms of emotional pain, the death of a partner is one of the worst. Know that, and allow yourself whatever you need to ease that pain. And know that those needs may be different from day to day. And try to remember every day that you wouldn't feel so bad if you hadn't loved, and been loved. Peace.

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