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View Diary: He Said He Thought About Committing Suicide (23 comments)

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  •  TMI (17+ / 0-)

    I made an attempt last year.  Some stuff from my past came back up.  Was "out of it" for three days.  When I awoke, they told me they didn't think I would make it.    Still not sure I'm thankful that I did.

    Something that hurt is that my roommates took this opportunity to kick me out of the apartment, saying that I was "seeking attention".  One was a friend of 10 years who knew of my struggles with depression and previous suicide attempts.

    Ended up homeless for a couple months.  Fortunately, I was approved for SSI and was able to find a "home".  The pursuit of SSI was a challenge all by itself.

    My struggle now is trying to figure out my place in the world.  I'd be perfectly content to never leave my apartment.  My mom and the world at large, it seems, tells me that is not okay.  I feel like I'm a "bad" person because I don't like the world (or myself) as it is and don't want to participate in it.

    Insurance doesn't allow me to have therapy appointments for the time being.  Apparently I used up my benefits for the year and I can't have therapy again until the start of my new fiscal year in May.  I am still getting medication.

    The thought of killing myself has been a common thing for me since I was a teenager.  The thing that keeps me here, for the moment, is the pain that it would cause my mom if I were to leave.  Nevermind the pain and disappointment she's already experienced because of me...

    I have been looking into volunteering somewhere.  I've never been able to find a job I found anything less than soul sucking.  I have found volunteering rewarding in the past.  Haven't yet had any luck finding something that really motivates me.  Things that used to rarely do anymore.

    Shared more than I should have.  

    Thank you Mr. Pensador, for you compassion for your friend.

    •  Thank you for sharing your story; and thank you (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Chaddiwicker

      for making the decision to hang on.  If you weren't here, all the people that read your story would not have been able to be impacted and moved by it.

      Yes, the world can be cruel, but there is also a lot of love and beauty in it.  Keeping looking for that, and if volunteering and helping others makes you feel better, reach out and find places where yo can volunteer.  But put too much pressure on yourself; step put when you're ready.  

       

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