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View Diary: My mother died this afternoon. (155 comments)

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  •  The stupidest is (18+ / 0-)

    the first thing I thought when told, was that I have nothing to wear.  I have no suit or anything remotely formal.  No idea why I thought that.  It's a bit self-centered.  But that's me.  


    I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!

    by liberalagogo on Sun Feb 24, 2013 at 03:42:16 PM PST

    [ Parent ]

    •  (((Liberalagogo))) (16+ / 0-)

      I wouldn't worry about that, unless your family or the minister or somebody that presides over the services gets weird about it and maybe not even then.  We do tend to find ourselves focusing on weird stuff at times like this.  

      My son just wore a dress shirt and khakis to my dad's memorial service - but he did borrow one of dad's ties.  He has ties of his own, but they're all animals (he's a vet), so he borrowed one of pop-pop's airplane ties.  

      I don't think anybody wore a suit and we had the memorial service in church.  Many guys don't wear suits these days.  And it's much easier to find a pair of slacks and a dress shirt, than it is to find a suit.  

      I, on the other hand, spent a lot of time worrying about trying to sell the riding mower and the extra car.  We still haven't cleaned out dad's closet (it's been 5 years) - my mom can't stand for me to even open the door - I have to wait until she goes out to check for roof leaks and stuff when I'm visiting.  

      Your dad may have trouble coping and he may try to take out his hurt, bewilderment, sadness on you.  Try to remember he's not really attacking you - you're just the closest person in the room for him to use as a sounding board.  

      Try to be kind to yourself, as well as your dad.  You're both hurting and the stress may make you both short-tempered.  Watch for that, OK?  

      Writing can be therapeutic.  You don't have to blog it here, but just writing, writing, writing and getting things out of your system can be helpful.  You don't have to publish or share it - but it helps you get things off your chest.  

      "Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential." - Barack Obama

      by Ricochet67 on Sun Feb 24, 2013 at 04:29:39 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  {{liberalagogo}} - It's not stupid at all (5+ / 0-)

      It's not just you. I just lost my niece, who was young and very sick for 3/4 of her life and witnessed closely how other friends and family members reacted to her death.

      If people are confronted with the death, they expected, but not "right now", and are then nevertheless the expectation of the coming death are shocked that it actually came about to happen, all stuff comes to their mind, may be to put the thinking about the death and what it means aside, as if it were "too hard to think about".

      The thinking and grieving "for real" might just come much later. For me the grieving about her potential death, while she was still living, was much more intense than the grieving that came after her death. I got at times very irritated and felt so bad about it. It was hard to accept, not her death, but the people, who tried to care for her and their human reactions that seem to look like failures, but were not, as ... well they were all human reactions.

      So whatever is stupid about it, and I think nothing is, we all are in our stupidity then together.

      Hugs and condolences for your loss. I am still grieving over my mother, eight years after her death. She was the most loving person I had in my life, and I was not at her side when she died. That's the worst, in hindsight.

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