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View Diary: Worst Funeral, Ever. (112 comments)

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  •  When my parents died, what a contrast in funerals (7+ / 0-)

    The funerals were at the same church with the same preacher and less than 3 years apart.  But with my dad's funeral which came first, my mother let my sister do all the planning and all the talking to the preacher and so on.  I was left out and I felt like I was not a part of the family and yet there were just the 4 of us growing up. My mother ignored me and she was mean to my son and husband too and whatever my sister did and said, my mother followed. She hung onto my sister.  Well my sister has lived in the south for decades and they do up funerals big, she said. Most of the flowers were from her friends and coworkers and it was a real southern funeral in the northeast..like it was transplanted. The pastor mentioned my sister a lot and my mother and even my aunt whom my dad had not seen in decades but no mention of me. Everyone at the service knew Dad and I were extremely close and very much alike.

    Dad's family and friends were not happy with the service and they commented on how I was the one who went to visit Dad every few weeks and I was always there for him and I was the one person in the family, besides Mom. that he confided in and trusted.

    Well months after the funeral, I confronted my mother and my sister and we had it out. I let them know how I felt and we began the long road of healing and forgiveness for how I was treated and my husband too ) whom Dad called his best friend) for being left out and ignored and also they were so mean the day of the funeral that we skipped the meal afterwards at the fellowship hall and just went out to eat with some friends. They were angry about that and so we had to work that out.

    Fast Forward to Mom;s funeral. Sister and I did all the planning together and my contributions were significant.
    The poem I submitted was on the cover of the bulletin at the service and the pastor referred to me several times.
    It was like Day and Night, so much better.  I made sure this time to talk to the pastor and tell him what I wanted him to say and included. Granted, I knew there would still be some religious stuff and Jesus talk but please, please no altar call and revival like what was done at Dad's funeral. He followed my wishes. I allowed him some leeway as it was his church and he was the pastor but i curtailed some of it too.  

    I found out later that part of the problem was that pastor never did a funeral till Dad died..his first...and well after all the complaints, he learned his lesson by the time Mom died.

    My parents were not particularly young or particularly old...dying of rare cancers in their early 70s so all of their friends were still alive too and they were an important part of who my parents were as well as their siblings.

    Now all of these years later, sister and I are very, very close and like the best of friends but it took the death of my parents and for us to have many heated arguments and work through issues for a decade now..we are still working on things but I have finally forgiven her for shunning me at my dad's funeral and taking advantage of Mom's fragile state to take over everything and shut me out. It took years but we are very close now ...but it took a ton venting and working through issues together to get us here.   It is tough when one sibling takes over and leaves the other siblings out or the one sibling or one parent completely ignores their kids at the death of a parent.

    Follow PA Keystone Liberals on Twitter: @KeystoneLibs

    by wishingwell on Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 08:16:40 AM PST

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