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View Diary: An Asian's Take on Republican "Self-examination" (65 comments)

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  •  on "arranged marriage" ... (3+ / 0-)
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    karmsy, Odysseus, AoT

    I want to make a point on "arranged marriage". A lot of my American friends cringe when they hear that I had an arranged marriage. There is a difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage. When you hear 'arranged marriage', you are thinking of the 'forced marriages' in European aristocracy.

    My arranged marriage involved my parents searching for a bride based on my parameters (and a few from their side which) on sites that are pretty much the same as Match.com. Why them and not me? Because they wanted to do horoscope matching and a few other bride-family related checks.

    Once a shortlist is arrived at, the bridge & groom meet at least one physically and in this modern time, chat for a few days or a few weeks to find mutual interests and if they can visualize a future together. Conceptually, the same as dating but may be with a few constrains (not too many family allow for evenings in restaurants and public trips!).

    Only if the bride & groom agree, they get hitched - else, the process is repeated with someone else.

    So, I see no major difference between 'arranged marriage' or 'love marriage'. All that needs to exist after marriage is LOVE.

    •  Sorry I apparently didn't use the most helpful (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      AoT, InfiniteThoughts

      term to distinguish between Indian- and Western-style marriage; forgive me.

      I'm NOT making a value judgment, merely pointing out that in Western-style marriage, one's family isn't involved, formally or usually at all, in one's choice of a marriage partner. We have a big mythology here about "when the parents first meet the girl/guy Johnny/Susie wants to marry." It's a total unknown to them, a surprise that shakes the family to its foundations. Whole works of fiction, whole movies are based on this. This is the distinction I was trying to make, between "love marriage" and "arranged marriage."

      It's here they got the range/ and the machinery for change/ and it's here they got the spiritual thirst. --Leonard Cohen

      by karmsy on Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 02:50:59 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  That depends on who you're talking to. (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        InfiniteThoughts, boudi08, karmsy
        one's family isn't involved, formally or usually at all, in one's choice of a marriage partner.
        For many Americans, especially those of evangelical background, patriachal permission is still required before dating.  Certainly my uncle stated loudly and often that he would formally vet every one of his daughter's dates.

        And peer pressure is sometimes tremendous.  Read any of the stories of lapsed Mormons, or even some of the stories from boondocks areas.  The list of formally approved structures is very short, and the penalties for not conforming are quite high.

        -7.75 -4.67

        "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

        There are no Christians in foxholes.

        by Odysseus on Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 04:03:34 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  Well, traditionally, the young (0+ / 0-)

          swain who approaches the lovely young lady's father, asking him for the honor of his daughter's hand in marriage, has met her on his own, correct? They haven't been introduced by the bride's parents. It wasn't a matter of their respective families getting together to arrange the match; they chose each other.

          Hence, the distinction I was making.

          It's here they got the range/ and the machinery for change/ and it's here they got the spiritual thirst. --Leonard Cohen

          by karmsy on Mon Mar 04, 2013 at 04:53:42 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

      •  no issues ... (1+ / 0-)
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        karmsy

        given the ribbing I got from my friends, I thought I would clarify ...

        I agree to your point. I think involvement of family (not approval) makes the whole process smoother for the bride to integrate into the family. Why is that important? For quite a while (not too much these days), the bride lives with the groom's family and hence folks had to think about integration with family

        But with nuclear families taking hold in India, it is no coincidence that we see a lot of 'love marriage'. It think it is all intertwined ...

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