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View Diary: A View From the Swamp - The Monster (36 comments)

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  •  I am so sorry Mortifyd. You have written such a (18+ / 0-)

    personal and haunting tale. I wish I could do or say something to help.

    •  sometimes you just have to write (17+ / 0-)

      so I write.  All that matters is if it's good writing or not really.  I survived the latest visitation of the monster, and the latest Test - so things are quiet at the moment.

      But there is no Doctor, no Captain Jack and Torchwood team to send the monster back for me - I will have to learn how to do it myself.

      So I write.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Mar 16, 2013 at 09:01:16 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Good for you Mortifyd, be strong (12+ / 0-)

        How big is your personal carbon footprint?

        by ban nock on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 07:34:19 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  It is good writing! (13+ / 0-)

        You are definitely a talented writer, and your observations about living with disability are valuable and should reach a wider audience than this blog.

        The spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure that it is right. -- Judge Learned Hand, May 21, 1944

        by ybruti on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 08:04:12 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  Is the monster...I presume a parent?--still (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        ColoTim, alice kleeman

        actually there?

        Or just the effects of the monster?

        If either is true, may I suggest something?

        Imagine yourself as the adult you are now, somehow looking back at a scene from your childhood.  You can see the monster, you can see the child that was you. But you are not the child--you are an adult, watching the scene happen.  

        Look at the monster. Are you as big as her/him?  The monster is towering over the child, but s/h is not as big as you. You are an adult.  And the monster is older. Not as all-powerful as you remember.

        What is the monster doing to the child? This is a little child. This child should not be treated this way. No one--no one--should treat a child this way. It is cruel and it is wrong. Would you do nothing if you saw another child being treated this way by an adult you didn't know?

        Now step into the scene. As an adult human being. Say, "Hey!"

        The monster looks around. The monster sees an adult. Not a terrified, powerless child. An adult.

        And you say, "Get away from that child. Before I treat you like you treat it."

        The monster tries to bluster. The monster tries to threaten. And you say, "Get away from that child.  NOW!"

        And the monster, who is revealed as a flawed, pitiful human being, a bully who can only scare children, or grown children conditioned to fear it, leaves.

        Then put your arms around that child. And tell it, "You are a good child. You don't deserve to be treated the way you've been treated No child does."

        The child may protest. The child may cry and say "But I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm ugly."

        And you say, "No. You are just unlucky. For some reason, the monster grew up ugly and mean. Maybe because it too had a monster in it's life. But that doesn't make it right to scare and hurt you. You are a good little kid. And I will never let the monster hurt you again."

        Do this until the child believes you.

        And the next time the monster shows up in real life, let it meet the grownup that you now are. Who is without guilt. Who can break the conditioning. And tell the monster, "I am not what you say I am. You will treat me  decently... with respect. Or you will leave."

        And if this means that you can no longer love the monster, then this is what must happen. You can pity it, but you should never be a hostage to a monster's claims....whether through love, obedience, conditioning, fear or hate.  

        Freedom has two enemies: Those who want to control everyone around them...and those who feel no need to control themselves.

        by Sirenus on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 06:19:18 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  she's sitting on the couch at the moment (10+ / 0-)

          in the other room - she's very real.  And currently, I live in her house, completely financially dependent on her and my still largely mentally absent father - he has 12+ cats and FOX news to focus on.  Child rearing and such is woman's work.

          I'm a 43 year old autistic among other issues (BPD, possible mild schizophrenia) and while I have a fairly good control of my physical symptoms in public (flapping, rocking, eye contact, not vocalizing my aural hallucination responses) and an excellent vocabulary - once she begins to change - her lower jaw juts out, her eyes darken with anger - I'm unable to speak or respond as an adult.  I'm literally reduced to a child about to shit myself in fear in a matter of seconds and my brain goes all fuzzy.  I am medicated and take it faithfully, even when I "feel good." There are limits to what medication and years of therapy can do, though I appreciate the sentiment of your help.

          She's afraid to physically hit me now - at 4'11 vs 5'8 with a martial arts background - she would lose.  But she doesn't have to hit me.  She just has to change and I'm toast.

          There was a "monster incident" on Thursday afternoon in the guise of a "family meeting" - which was delayed for 30 minutes as I was literally in the toilet in fear - and a Test - clean the kitchen while we are dining out - on Friday night.  It's only been in the last 12 hours I have been rational enough to actually review and understand what happened.  I've been in my room, mostly asleep trying to physically recover from Thursday's terror.

          My entire childhood was spent with the monster. Absent father due to work, ill brother - it was me and the monster every day all the time I wasn't at school.  

          My inner child knows far better than I do the monster will not ever change.  And women in her family live easily and independently into their 80s, she's only in her 60s now.  I do pity her. I understand intellectually why she is like this.

          Doesn't make a damn bit of difference when the monster catches me unawares and unable to escape.  There is no lock on my door - a lock is not permitted.  Even after the main meltdown, they took turns coming in my room - the only place I can escape to - to continue to tear me down as I was curled up in a ball on the bed, crying and exhausted.

          The only way I will be able to leave this behind - again - is if I magically recover (not likely, given the diagnoses, personal poverty and living in a republican state with limited access to treatment) or my SSDI claim is approved.  With SSDI "income" I can go home again to the Northwest and my independent life in my own home and never contact them again.

          And maybe if I outlive her - maybe then I won't be tormented by the monster anymore.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 07:18:18 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  I hope it works out for you. (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Mortifyd

            It sounds, sadly, that you live in a world of monsters.

            Maybe someday you can get away. And never look back.

            But keep telling that child that you were that it is not what the monsters say it is.

            Because you are NOT.

            Freedom has two enemies: Those who want to control everyone around them...and those who feel no need to control themselves.

            by Sirenus on Tue Mar 19, 2013 at 10:32:36 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

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