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View Diary: A View From the Swamp - The Monster (36 comments)

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  •  oh I don't blame you (11+ / 0-)

    and I suppose if I was smart I would have stayed on the boat and tried to survive another winter on the water - but I would have ended up begging and scrimping for that from someone - either the monster or Kossacks.  I simply can't hold down a job right now and jobs are scarce in Astoria - or were when I left in the rain.

    It's always a trade off, you know?  There were lies about how it was down here - but there was help.  The car got fixed, licensed and insured. The boat got insured. Some bills got paid that were dragging me down. I had heat and an indoor toilet and learned how to shower daily again.

    But I'm isolated and not improving and the process of seeing doctors provided by the state is much slower in Bobby Jindal's swampland. There's no money for the poor and sick. There's no healthcare, no OHP pool to wait in, no dentists with pity.

    The other thing is - I was that same wide eyed child I always am - so stunned by the hand reaching out after all these years - I overlooked it was attached to the monster.  I believed it could be different. It's not.  But I believed it could be and that was all that mattered at the time.  I believed I could come home and be forgiven.

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 06:21:19 AM PDT

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    •  They don't like being confronted by what they see (8+ / 0-)

      as failure.

      "Til you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules" John Lennon - Working Class Hero

      by Horace Boothroyd III on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 06:39:39 AM PDT

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    •  This... (15+ / 0-)
      I believed I could come home and be forgiven.
      The first step here is to realize there is nothing you need to be forgiven FOR. You are who you are, and you have to accept that. They probably never will, and that's something you should maybe forgive them for, but never expect forgiveness in return because you aren't wrong. You didn't do anything to require forgiveness. Existing is not a wrong nor a sin. Being you is not a wrong nor a sin.

      This was something I had to come to terms with myself. I've always been the 'black sheep' in one way or another. I was the one who ruined my mother's child hood because I was born when she was still a child. I was the one who made her drop out of school and made all her friends shun her because she got pregnant with me at 16 and out of wedlock. I was the one she starved herself to feed when money was tight. I was the one she stayed home with while my dad was away in the military and having an affair. This is the way it was always told to me. It wasn't until I was an adult and could actually process that NONE of that was my decision or my fault or anything I did. And none of the various ways she had of 'punishing' me for it or throwing it in my face or making me feel guilty was my fault either. She still does find ways sometimes, though we've mostly come to terms with each other because she wants a relationship with her grand kids.

      For example, she scheduled the date for my sister's wedding for the same day and time I graduated college. She knew the date of the graduation six months or more in advance, and schedule my sister's wedding less than a month before it. So my dad and both my sisters and my mom were at the wedding while I was graduating college. I didn't get to go to the wedding nor did I have any of them at my graduation. But I had my Other Half and my kids and some friends there, one of whom flew in from out of state just to come. So while it upset me, I didn't let it stop me.

      Sometimes she'll get mad at me for no apparent reason and stop talking to me for a couple of years. The only reason that upsets me is the kids suffer for it. They don't understand why grandma stops showing up. My daughter for a while had an imaginary grandma. That hasn't happened since she got married to my step-father though. He really loves the kids. I think he put his foot down.

      "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

      by FloridaSNMOM on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 07:37:06 AM PDT

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      •  I get that mentally most of the time (4+ / 0-)

        but emotionally it's never clicked.  

        I'm not a child of rape, I simply didn't stop it - how a 2 year old is supposed to do that I have NO idea - but I didn't.  Children should not be told this over and over.

        Mum married my dad at 18 and I was born when she was 27.  I was very much wanted - until I developed a personality she didn't like very much and stopped being a doll that could be dressed up and used as a prop for attention.  The monster does not see me as an actual person, more like a limb that it can't control.  It is still raging that I got away at 17 and treats me just like it did when I left. Wrong name, wrong pronouns, constant attempts to out me in public. Mum is "working on it, but it's hard because you left us and we don't know you."

        I was also supposed to be a boy.  My Mum was continually harassed by her in-laws until she produced the One True Boy - he is the Only True Grandson on both sides. He developed diabetes at 10 months - so keeping him alive was the whole focus of my childhood.  I was designated "the healthy one."  I had TB at age 7 and had mandatory treatment - and the lung scars to prove it - but Mum erases any memory that doesn't suit her narrative of the moment.  To this day she insists I did not have TB, I was "only exposed to it."  

        Most of the miscarriages happened after me, there was only one before - a boy.  I would not have been born had he lived to birth - I was conceived after/because she lost him. Children also should not be told this over and over.

        I understand mentally both my parents are damaged.  

        Violence and abuse is normal in my Mum's family - she was locked in closets and beaten for things her younger sister did - she has a monster too - and it lives about 5 minutes away from us. The girls were not allowed to play together because they were "too noisy" and kept in opposite ends of the house.  

        Generations of sexual abuse have come out in the family history - while it stopped with my Bubbe's generation - the scars are still passed on.  My Aunt is also on the spectrum. She has no children and raises goats - and lives in a shed - because she and her current husband are incapable of not buying toys for their land long enough to actually build themselves a house. They are extreme Orthodox Christians - think Greek Orthodox haredi.

        Col CatLady is on the spectrum. He is a completely black/white thinker who was raised in an extreme southern fundamentalist household by an RN with a cleanliness fetish. Alzheimer's runs in his family, taking his father and many of my great aunts and uncles.  

        He had a brilliant international posting to set him up for promotion upward and blew it - we were sent home early.  He didn't understand what he was supposed to do and was angry and dived into the beer keg.  Had he been young enough or late enough for Desert Storm instead of a prime military diplomatic posting he would have made general based on his tactical skills - but he wasn't. Now he is obsessed with cats, guns and talking about Vietnam - and scared because his black/white views of the world are no longer the clear majority except on FOX.

        Mum keeps saying, "we will do family therapy if that's what it takes to make you better."  But the truth is - they don't want to face any of that.  They are afraid I will tell the family secrets, that I will get better and leave again.  They are horrified when I manage to hold a boundary - I'm not supposed to have any because FAAAAAAAAMILY.  

        So it's really just a black hole that I've spent my entire life trying to escape while the gravity pulls me slowly apart.

        And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

        by Mortifyd on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 05:44:12 PM PDT

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        •  I'm not the child of rape either. (4+ / 0-)

          Just pre-marital teen sex that ended in a pregnancy, before abortion was legal and safe. But I understand the rest all too well. There was also sexual abuse on both sides of the family, though not in my family that I'm aware of. My cousin though was molested by my Uncle, and there was a bedroom in my grandparent's house with the door lock on the inside, that was the girls' bedroom. Which seems to say to me that they knew about it way back then. I've had to move back home once, escaping my abusive first husband, and again when I moved to Florida from PA until I got a job and got on my feet. I escaped again twice, despite the gravity of the black hole. I have confidence in you. I know it is dark right now, but it's not entirely black. We're here, and we'll do what we can to help you.

          "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

          by FloridaSNMOM on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 06:39:49 PM PDT

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          •  this is technically my second return (3+ / 0-)

            I escaped an abusive boyfriend at 20 - I worked 2 jobs joined the Navy and got the hell out 4 months later - and never looked back until now.

            But I was discharged from the Navy medically before I could go active duty long enough to gain benefits, and I felt an obligation to periodically phone and write - so I was only ever partially free.

            But now all I can think about is that the weather must be getting better in Astoria and my boat needs finishing out - and I'm here hiding in my room and waiting until they go to bed to venture out like an animal and forage - my snacks are gone and my car has been blocked in since Thursday.

            Rationally though, I know that going home would make me feel better - but wouldn't change the necessity of money to pay bills, the slip fees coming due in a couple months - and limited if any prospects on jobs, assuming I'm well enough to show up bathed and functional every shift.  

            I need that SSDI to gain my independence again. I have an appointment on the 21st at the clinic and I will see what they can do to help push it through without giving my parents control over the money - but without funds or enough of me working to work - I'm kind of fucked.

            I can't keep asking people to pay my living expenses so I don't have to live with them.  It's not right.

            And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

            by Mortifyd on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 07:50:47 PM PDT

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            •  I understand... (4+ / 0-)

              And I hope that SSDI comes through quickly for you. As to not giving them control over the money, that should be accomplished fairly easy. I've known people a lot worse off then you who had control of their own finances. If they do want to give control to someone else, ask for a Guardian ad litem or social worker to have that control because you can't trust your parents.

              But we're still here, we'll hold up the light and make sure you can see your way home again. You have friends, and people who care about you here. We may be a bit distant physically, but we can shine brightly. You're very often in my thoughts, I'm always happy to read these updates, they let me know you are still here, and still fighting.

              "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

              by FloridaSNMOM on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 08:16:24 PM PDT

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