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View Diary: A View From the Swamp - The Monster (36 comments)

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  •  she's sitting on the couch at the moment (10+ / 0-)

    in the other room - she's very real.  And currently, I live in her house, completely financially dependent on her and my still largely mentally absent father - he has 12+ cats and FOX news to focus on.  Child rearing and such is woman's work.

    I'm a 43 year old autistic among other issues (BPD, possible mild schizophrenia) and while I have a fairly good control of my physical symptoms in public (flapping, rocking, eye contact, not vocalizing my aural hallucination responses) and an excellent vocabulary - once she begins to change - her lower jaw juts out, her eyes darken with anger - I'm unable to speak or respond as an adult.  I'm literally reduced to a child about to shit myself in fear in a matter of seconds and my brain goes all fuzzy.  I am medicated and take it faithfully, even when I "feel good." There are limits to what medication and years of therapy can do, though I appreciate the sentiment of your help.

    She's afraid to physically hit me now - at 4'11 vs 5'8 with a martial arts background - she would lose.  But she doesn't have to hit me.  She just has to change and I'm toast.

    There was a "monster incident" on Thursday afternoon in the guise of a "family meeting" - which was delayed for 30 minutes as I was literally in the toilet in fear - and a Test - clean the kitchen while we are dining out - on Friday night.  It's only been in the last 12 hours I have been rational enough to actually review and understand what happened.  I've been in my room, mostly asleep trying to physically recover from Thursday's terror.

    My entire childhood was spent with the monster. Absent father due to work, ill brother - it was me and the monster every day all the time I wasn't at school.  

    My inner child knows far better than I do the monster will not ever change.  And women in her family live easily and independently into their 80s, she's only in her 60s now.  I do pity her. I understand intellectually why she is like this.

    Doesn't make a damn bit of difference when the monster catches me unawares and unable to escape.  There is no lock on my door - a lock is not permitted.  Even after the main meltdown, they took turns coming in my room - the only place I can escape to - to continue to tear me down as I was curled up in a ball on the bed, crying and exhausted.

    The only way I will be able to leave this behind - again - is if I magically recover (not likely, given the diagnoses, personal poverty and living in a republican state with limited access to treatment) or my SSDI claim is approved.  With SSDI "income" I can go home again to the Northwest and my independent life in my own home and never contact them again.

    And maybe if I outlive her - maybe then I won't be tormented by the monster anymore.

    And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

    by Mortifyd on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 07:18:18 PM PDT

    [ Parent ]

    •  I hope it works out for you. (1+ / 0-)
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      Mortifyd

      It sounds, sadly, that you live in a world of monsters.

      Maybe someday you can get away. And never look back.

      But keep telling that child that you were that it is not what the monsters say it is.

      Because you are NOT.

      Freedom has two enemies: Those who want to control everyone around them...and those who feel no need to control themselves.

      by Sirenus on Tue Mar 19, 2013 at 10:32:36 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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