Skip to main content

View Diary: Rape: Anonymous but Silenced No More (142 comments)

Comment Preferences

  •  Holy shit! (24+ / 0-)

    To all the snide commenters posting in this diary.

    Any time a woman is raped (or a man is raped) they don't know what the person has gotten away with before.

    The victim's first concern is to survive the attack. There are a lot of trade offs and no guarantee of success, HUGE uncertainty, as a person under traumatic stress is trying to make decision on the fly.

    Do you kick and scream bloody murder?

    Do you sooth, try to talk sense into the attacker?

    Do you try to diffuse to avoid future retaliation?

    The later two become extremely important whenever the victim knows her attacker, which is true in the majority of rapes.

    RAPE IS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL. Many men rape women they know because they can use everything they know about her to manipulate her AND later manipulate others into blaming her for his behavior.

    For the rapists - knowing the woman is a double wammy and you are beyond naive if you think rapists don't know and exploit that.

    "They did not succeed in taking away our voice" - Angelique Kidjo - Opening the Lightning In a Bottle concert at Radio City Music Hall in New York City - 2003

    by LilithGardener on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 03:03:01 PM PDT

    [ Parent ]

    •  Absolutely. (15+ / 0-)

      That's why I hate it so much when women are told they wanted it because they didn't say no, or didn't fight hard enough.

      I can imagine fighting/kicking too hard to speak.  Or being so frightened of being killed that I didn't say "no".  Or trying to sooth an attacker.

    •  The only thing (15+ / 0-)

      a rape victim should be focused on is what to do in order to survive.

      A rapist likely has some sort of physical edge, if not a deadly weapon over the person being raped, or it would be impossible to accomplish the rape in the first place.

      Next to that is the disbelief that someone the victim knew and trusted would ever act that way - there's this split-second freeze, this sense that there's something wrong - and predators are really, really good at taking advantage of that.

      Not to mention, they are EXTREMELY good manipulators and are very, very good at making their victims feel stupid or wrong.  Read Gavin de Becker, if you don't believe me.  

      For instance (TRIGGER ALERT):

      "I'll let you go if you just stop struggling." (They don't)

      "Relax, relax, sorry!  I'll stop."  (They don't)

      "I won't hurt you."  (They do)

      Frankly, unless you  have experienced it, know someone who has, or have worked with this population, you have NO IDEA what it feels like to have someone, either much larger and stronger than yourself; or with a deadly weapon, or both, trying to force an intimate contact with your body.  

      •  Gavin deBecker's book - The Gift of Fear (10+ / 0-)

        Is an excellent read for anyone wanting to understand how our media perpetuates violence, and how to encourage people to trust their intuition.

        Reading it can help those who want to support victims, as soon someone first mentions a problem with a potential predator. There are things you an do or say to support the victim's actual recall of what happened.

        The most important thing is to reassure them they are safe in telling you what they remember.

        "They did not succeed in taking away our voice" - Angelique Kidjo - Opening the Lightning In a Bottle concert at Radio City Music Hall in New York City - 2003

        by LilithGardener on Sun Mar 17, 2013 at 05:43:59 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  It's a lot simpler than that. (4+ / 0-)

        When was the last time that your TODO list for the night read something like:

         * Go to the grocery store
         * Pick up the dry cleaning.
         * Fix dinner
         * Work more on the big project.
         * Get raped.
         * Brush teeth

        Yeah, victims DON'T exactly have "get raped" on their TODO list for that night.  Which seems obvious when written that way, but what it means is that you don't have any plan of how to react.  Just simply coming to acceptance with the fact that you're being / have been raped is incredibly difficult, especially if it's someone you know.  You play down what happened.  You blame yourself.  You make excuses for their behavior.  You try to extricate yourself from the situation, but all the while you can still be bound by normal rules of social politeness engrained into you because it can be damned hard to cast them off, even in a situation you very much don't want to be in.  Especially if the other person is still acting all nice (while ignoring your expressed wish for them to stop).

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site