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View Diary: Why the "your daughter/wife" meme is necessary (114 comments)

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  •  Slightly OT, but what about child-rearing factors? (4+ / 0-)

    I'd be interested in the diarist's opinion about the role that childrearing practices that were promoted throughout the twentieth-century--letting babies "cry it out," minimizing physical affection and touch, etc.--might play in causing the psychic wounds that underlie narcissism in some people?

    This is anecdotal of course, but one of the most narcissistic people I know suffered from severe colic as an infant. She brags about how her parents made her tough it out by leaving her alone in her crib, in the attic, where the rest of the house couldn't hear her cries, until she finally gave up and learned to suffer in silence. That's an extreme example of course but it does make me wonder if the apparently high rates of narcissism in this country might have to do with childrearing practices that could send a primal message that a person's distress is not worthy of a response.

    •  Crying it out is only one style of child rearing (7+ / 0-)

      could cause problems. And a lot of people still do this. {not me btw]. Any kind of dysfunctional family dynamic could lead to issues, and that can follow any number of child-rearing styles.

      I think what you are pointing at here--is that people who consistently do not get their needs met, will at some point ensure their needs are met, even at the expense of others in the future. They anticipate a dearth, and so conduct a pre-emptive strike to get what they need or want.

      But really, what we are looking at here is dehumanizing a child. Systematically depriving a child of their humanity and dignity will also lead to long term negative outcomes. These, along with food and shelter would be primal needs, and their absence would point to a very sick home life.

      I look at  a rape as a sort of syndrome. Because it seems that, like stalking and bullying--that even though we have identified a common vehicle or mechanism, that the drivers may vary from case to case. Maybe we do ourselves a disservice by trying to make blanket statements about what drives these sorts of crimes.

      Look how long it's taken Western Society to Pathologize Rape as a the behavior of an ill or dysfunctional person. And it still hasn't taken 100 percent. There are very large cultural issues that come into this discussion and can really cloud it.

      •  Drivers and blanket statements (4+ / 0-)

        Yes. There clearly must be significant differences given different circumstances. College athlete taking the girl home after dinner and a movie almost certainly is operating on somewhat differenct drivers than a burglar who breaks into a house and rapes the elderly occupant.  I've been bumping up against the same issue in some of the discussion on gun violence. Someone going into a theater full of total strangers and shooting everyone in sight is different from the recently divorced father who shoots his ex-wife, her family, and their kids.

        In any event, rape is wrong. Shooting people is wrong. But how we consider ways and means to reduce and prevent such things has to take into account that somewhat different things may be going on there.

        "No one life is more important than another. No one voice is more valid than another. Each life is a treasure. Each voice deserves to be heard." Patriot Daily News Clearinghouse & Onomastic

        by Catte Nappe on Wed Mar 20, 2013 at 02:56:23 PM PDT

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        •  How about when a woman uses a gun to protect (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Catte Nappe

          herself from an attack. My own mother did so three times in her life that I know of. Fortunately, no one died or was seriously injured as would likely have been the case if she had been unarmed and defenseless in these instances.

          The frog jumped/ into the old pond/ plop! (Basho)

          by Wolf10 on Wed Mar 20, 2013 at 03:08:06 PM PDT

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          •  Whole different area of discussion (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Wolf10, GreenMother

            That is not an example of "gun violence we want to prevent", any more than would be consensual sex (even if it includes consensual rape fantasy or imagery or play) an example of "rape that we want to prevent".

            "No one life is more important than another. No one voice is more valid than another. Each life is a treasure. Each voice deserves to be heard." Patriot Daily News Clearinghouse & Onomastic

            by Catte Nappe on Wed Mar 20, 2013 at 03:21:25 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

    •  Like I commented earlier, there are two paths. (8+ / 0-)

      If a kid isn't given empathy in the home, they don't learn it. On the other hand, if a kid is spoiled and given everything they want, and never taught that like everyone else they are expected to take others' feelings into consideration, then they won't learn empathy either--they remain arrested in an infantile state of demanding gratification from others.

    •  This just breaks my heart! (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      dotdash2u

      My son had colic...three straight months of crying through the night. Although it could be insanely tough at times, I held him every minute. He is now one of the most loving 10 year olds I have ever seen. I'm not so sure that it is a complete cause and effect case, but it certainly didn't hurt.

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