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View Diary: The Grieving Room: Love Survives (24 comments)

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  •  That's how I felt (7+ / 0-)

    when I first heard what happened. If you read my comments from a month ago, when I first found out, I was so shattered. I called him my lost love, and I truly felt that.

    I'm not so sure anymore. I think my past has haunted me for a long time, and it gave me a skewed perception of what love actually meant. When I said I didn't know how to love him, I really didn't. He let me into his world, completely...I never let him into mine. He barely knew anything about me, to be honest. I've always put up walls, and kept a safe distance from people in my life-especially in relationships, and he was no exception.

    Solan was truly an amazing person, just incredibly talented, brilliant...I think at the end of the day, I admired him more than loved him, at least in the romantic sense. And I couldn't figure out what he saw in someone like me-I was such a mess at the time. But the fact that he saw something within me that he loved was uplifting in its own way. Ultimately it helped me break the cycle of abusive relationships I was trapped in-because he showed me that there was something better out there for me.

    The man I'm with now is actually my first love. And I don't say that as an affront to Solan at all...I think to remember him as this idealized version of the perfect man-the proverbial "one who got away" that I had placed on a pedestal is almost an affront to his memory. I know that's certainly not how he would want to be remembered. And really, that's not who he was...he was just a normal guy, who happened to treat women well, and he played beautiful music and did a lot of goofy stuff like this:

    (yes, that's him climbing into the dryer, lol.)

    But I don't think it's a coincidence that I learned of his passing, and had that dream, and listened to those words he wrote all around the same time that I met the person I'm truly meant to be with. That's the kind of person Solan was-he just wanted people to be happy. He would want me to be happy. And for the first time pretty much ever, I truly can say I am.

    You must work-we must all work-to make a world that is worthy of its children -Pablo Casals Please support TREE Climbers for victims of child sexual abuse and exploitation.

    by SwedishJewfish on Mon Mar 25, 2013 at 10:43:54 PM PDT

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