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View Diary: The Daily Show/Colbert Report Late-night Hangout 04.29.13 (54 comments)

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  •  I love Wikipedia (4+ / 0-)
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    TiaRachel, jlms qkw, MattR, BruinKid
    During Nam the kool-aid man wrote the book on breach and clear tactics, whenever the Marine core needed a mission done that was of high importance, they called him. Of course back then he was not the kool-aid man, his name was Ralph "the blood collector" Jones. He earned that name cause he used to fill himself with the blood of his enemies. His breach and clear tactics were legendary, he knew the exact amount of explosives needed to tear a hole in the wall just before him and his team would enter a compound and wipe out all of the discombobulated enemies, it was not a exact science, it as more of an art form. Anyway one day Ralph was called in to do a job that was a black op, in a country that America as not supposed to be in. They told him if he was caught he was to pour himself out rather than give in to the enemy. He knew that the mission was to take out a high profile target at his home, but didn't realize that the targets family was there. He had no choice but to take out the whole family to ensure that america's involvement was kept secret. Before he did his job one of the family members asked for one simple request, that they could have a glass of kool-aid, he obliged them but then had to finish the job. The last thing he heard out of their mouth before they died was a whisper but it was clear enough to haunt Ralph for the rest of his days, they said "oh yyeeeaaahh....." After that night Ralph could not do the job anymore, he got out of the armed forces, tried to teach his tactics to SWAT teams around the world as a private consultant. His nightmares however kept pushing him into madness, it was not unheard of to see him filled to the brim with whatever cheap moonshine swish he could find and watch him fall asleep in the gutter drenched in his own piss, vomit and tears. He finally came up with an idea to take his own life by filling up with kool-aid and going to a kids party, those kids would drink him dry in no time, "there would be no pain" he told himself over and over. While he was there he saw the joy in the kids faces. It touched his heart and for the first time in decades he was happy. He changed his life and vowed to travel the world bring kool-aid to kids that were trapped and could not seem to quench their thirst. Some say that to this day if you look real close when he yells "oh yea" you can see his tears, of joy.
    Kool-Aid Man

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