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View Diary: Howard Kurtz is just *appalled* that Jason Collins dated a womanfolk. UPDATE: Kurtz Fired (284 comments)

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  •  She is still processing her feelings (10+ / 0-)

    which are undoubtedly complex and multifaceted, but the point is, she is not wallowing in bitterness over it. And believe me I have seem plenty of wives who do, so I know what that looks like.

    As I said, she may get more angry later. There may well be times of anger related to feelings of 'wasted' time but she says she values having him in her life -- so clearly having him there wasn't a waste. She also said she realizes she still has time to do the things she wants with her own life. It's been four years since their relationship ended and she's not even dating anyone new, so she does't seem particularly rushed to find a husband and have kids. And there may be other times when she will continue to appreciate what they had, knowing him, and possibly even being happy for what they may still have as part of each others lives going forward, since they both seem to really care about each other.

    She wants him in her life still, that says to me she is not filled with anger and resentment over how he wrecked her life and wasted her precious time. What I'm seeing in your comments today and those of a few other women who DO feel that some gay guy wasted their time, is projection of your feelings onto her. Which is what I do not agree with.

    And that is because, yes you are right, I am unusual in how I felt and how my husband and I worked things out. But I am not unique. Not by a long shot. There are far, far more people living in alternative marriages of all kinds than anyone realizes. I'm lucky enough to have gotten to know many other women (and men) who have made similar choices that I know we are not as unusual as some may think. But we also certainly know our choices are not for the masses. That is fine. One thing we all have in common is the sense that other women do not support or understand our feelings. When you write things like "she feels such and such" because YOU felt that way, you are being unfair to her. You are projecting your experiences. Maybe you are right, and who knows, in a few weeks or months Carolyn Moos might come out with a scathing book on how Jason Collins used her and wasted her time and damaged her life. I'm in no way saying that she doesn't or won't feel that way. But what I'm saying is that we don't know that.

    And also that from the way she is reacting in her interviews, I related to her words. She sounds like I did, and not like those who are deeply bitter and feel used and time wasted, because they very rarely if ever say such supportive comments. Nope, they are all about how he's a lying asshole, a coward, etc. etc. She is not coming off that way at all, in her initial reactions. And from what they both said publicly it appears their love was quite real. Which of course I have no trouble believing could be true.

    So I'm saying, speak for yourself, let her speak for herself, don't make assumptions about how she feels, or that their whole relationship was a lie, etc. Those again are your experiences, but may not be hers. To respect her, we must let her define her experiences for herself, not paint her as a victim when she is not presenting herself that way.

    Peace to you.

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