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View Diary: Dear Racist Garage Sale Vendor: No, I'm Not Cool With That. (108 comments)

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  •  That's a good idea. (7+ / 0-)

    I have actually worked with the church before on a professional level (I am a local musician and churches are a common venue for recitals.) Naturally I'm a bit reluctant to burn any bridges. But it was disgusting and I know it's wrong to keep quiet about it. Advice?

    "We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." (Joni Mitchell)

    by Eowyn9 on Sun May 26, 2013 at 06:05:38 PM PDT

    [ Parent ]

    •  what CroneWit said (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Eowyn9, sngmama

      (I'm sorry, I had to go out and just got back to the computer. You probably won't get this til tomorrow.)

      My advice would be pretty much like CroneWit's-- if possible, using your previous experience with the church to figure out who would be the best official to approach, and then keeping the tone just as in your diary: aching heart and grieving conscience against a background of respect and affection for the church and the people you know in it. It seems unlikely to me that you would wind up burning any bridges with that tone.

      I think you're more likely to have a good outcome if you can do it person to person. In person, you can be broadcasting bodyvibes of care and respect that make your words easier to accept, and it's easier to control the tone, to adjust your way of saying something to a way they can hear, when you are getting real-time feedback from their body tension/vibes.  

      If I gave them a printout, and I do see value in leaving them with something written, I would wait until after talking. At the very end, I would say something like, "When I'm upset and not sure what to do, sometimes it helps me to write things out. I decided to bring a copy of what I wrote about this, because I have a hard time talking about things like this and get flustered and forget things I meant to say, so I brought a copy for you."

      I would definitely wait until after talking though, because if you give someone something written before you talk to them, you have to sit and watch them read it while awkward tension builds, and you lose the advantage of establishing rapport. Better to talk first and let them read it after you leave. (I would not include the comments, and probably take out the distinctive formatting that makes it look like a blog.)

      Sometimes, one of the best benefits of advice is having something to react against! I hope that if this is not helpful in terms of what you might imagine yourself wanting to do, it will at least be helpful in sparking your thoughts in some other direction!

      The hardest part might be knowing what you want as an outcome. Maybe just making sure someone responsible knows about it, and then trusting them to follow up in the best way they can? CroneWit's idea of suggesting that they pray for guidance seems pretty good to me. Anyway, having some idea of what you want to happen would be good, because otherwise you might have trouble knowing when you're done.

      I'm a person who lights candles for support and energy. Would you like to have someone light a candle for you when you do this? I am glad you feel strongly about following up on this, and I would be honored to light a candle for you. Let me know.

      •  Thanks for your excellent advice. :) (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        TexMex, Another Grizzle

        I'm reluctant to do it in person, because I don't know the church administration well at all (the recital I did for them was several years ago -- I don't even think I have a record of who my contacts there were) but also, I'm just not great with in-person discussion about something like this. I get flustered and nervous and tend to go on the defensive.

        I tend to express myself a lot better and more graciously in writing, really. So maybe I'll stick with the e-mailing the minister route that others have suggested.

        Would love for you to light a candle for me, though. Thank you for your support! :)

        "We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden." (Joni Mitchell)

        by Eowyn9 on Sun May 26, 2013 at 09:54:55 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Best of Luck! (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Eowyn9

          I have a nice 2-1/2 day yellow jar candle that looks very suitable. I'll light it when I get up tomorrow and it will burn through til Wednesday night, which I like for the idea of wishing for a good reception for you and a beneficial outcome. I hope all goes well.
          I'll check back at this comment in a few days iin case it feels appropriate to you to say anything about what kind of reply you get, which it might or might not.
          Good night, sweet dreams to you.

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