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  •  Since I've only just been introduced to NVC ... (1+ / 0-)
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    la motocycliste

    ... I don't think I can adequately address your example from that perspective.  However, I would tend to suggest that someone who is in an abusive relationship such as you've described should get out.  And I think that we as a community (a town, city, county, etc) should want to make support and shelter for victims of abuse readily available.

    I also tend to think that when someone is doing harm to themselves or others, the community should want to step in, since a community of human beings should care for all of its members.

    The group to whom the speaker introduced NVC is an intentional community; we want to communicate, and we want to foster an open-hearted environment in which all thrive individually and collectively.

    I suppose that when NVC is used in mediating disputes between nations, there has to be some willingness from both sides to find a peaceful solution, to find strategies that will meet the needs of both parties.  And I suppose there must be some recognition that meeting one's needs is more important than holding to some believed-in strategy.

    In your post, you state that "their expressed needs involve harm to others".  In my very introductory and rudimentary understanding on NVC, I would suggest that it is their strategies that involve harm to others.

    In your example, it seems that the strategy, the action employed by the abuser to meet their own needs, is all consuming; and the abuser has bought into the belief that causing harm is what will meet their needs.  Of course they may not even know or consider what those needs are; but there is a temporary, and illusory, perception that those needs are being met through violence.

    We always start where we are; and the communities we live in now have significantly inadequate methods for dealing with those who harm others.  We tend to lock them into prisons where the chances of receiving meaningful help seem remote; rather, the strategies of violence seem likely to continue.

    But those who would cause harm to others should be prevented from doing so.

    We start where we are, and we move forward from here.  Those who are on a spiritual path, learning about ego and how it works, learning about and working with practices to lessen the karmic energy and momentum of egoic conditioning, becoming more at peace with ourselves and others, we share what we learn with others.

    There does seem to be a "moral arc of the universe"; the progress that this community of the United States has made, slow as it may be, in civil rights, women's rights, LGBT rights, seems to support that perception of a moral arc, that we are moving forward, slowly, often painfully, as one global people, becoming more human.

    So yes, it is hard to see how in our present society we communicate with someone who is driven to do harm to others.  The protection of others from further harm comes first.  But it seems important that we as a community try to communicate, to share what we have learned, with every member of the community; that all are included.  As a vague notion, I suppose that means something like radically changing, over time, our methods of incarcerating people, choosing a path of therapy over one of warehousing.

    But moving our communities forward is a slow process.  So we continue to learn, to share, to practice, to grow, to deepen, to become more human.

    Love one another

    by davehouck on Tue Jun 11, 2013 at 07:44:47 AM PDT

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