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View Diary: My father "disowns" my husband because he was raised on welfare (300 comments)

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  •  It's called 'not bending over' (0+ / 0-)

    Shiobe did not start this, her father did. And the latter will learn nothing unless there are consequences for his actions.

    It's the same way with my aunt and uncle. Due to their constant disrespect shown to my father, and then me for sticking up for him, my aunt is now more or less alienated from my mother.

    The same must occur here. If Shiobe's father has any POTENTIAL for empathy, let him show it, and only personal pain from the realization that his daughter may cut him off will do it. Give as good as you get, otherwise, you're begging for EVERYONE to walk over you.

    •  I grew up with an alcoholic dad (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      newfie, ladybug53, JVolvo

      After years of therapy and Al Anon meetings, I finally learned that we cannot change anyone else. But we can change how we relate to that person. Seems simple, no?
      It took me several years of stubborn, pig-headedness, during which I was waiting for my recovering father (37 years!) to come to me with an apology for all the slights I was carrying around, him preferably dressed in a tuxedo, on his knees, the apology written in blood and served up on a silver Tiffany platter....
      It didn't occur to me until a year into therapy that my dad was behaving differently around us. He told us he loved us when we saw him! He engaged with us. He spent a lot of time helping others recover. He did it (apologized) the only way he knew how. Not my way, in my time, but his way. And only when I realized that, and forgave him, did I find peace.

      America is a COUNTRY, not a CORPORATION. She doesn't need a CEO. Vote Obama.

      by manneckdesign on Wed Aug 07, 2013 at 10:55:39 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Still... (0+ / 0-)

        The onus was still one your father, and thus it must be the same way for Shiobe's father.

        And what's this crap with somehow not being at peace, just because you refuse to forgive someone until he/she accepts responsibility for his/her actions. Again, I've made it clear that my aunt and uncle must EARN my forgiveness and I myself haven't suffered any inconvenience for it. They, however, now know that if they want to be greeted amicably by my family, the onus is on THEM to behave. I owe them NOTHING at this juncture, so they will get nothing if they insist on being pigs.

    •  In my view there is (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      a vast space between not forgiving and "bending over".  At no point does forgiving someone mean that you let them go on treating you or anyone else in the same manner.  You can forgive them AND let them know that the behavior is not accepted or welcome.  Then the responsibility is all in their hands.

      Basically what you suggest is that the other person has to do something that you cannot figure out how to do yourself.  And, you know what is really effective?  When you forgive them and let them know that and also let them know what limitations they are responsible for.  Either you will see change or it will really chap their asses.

      But first, you have to figure out how to look at someone's behavior, understand it as their issue, allow them to have issues but not to let it impact you or others around you.  Your approach is exactly what they would do and is much less likely to produce change.

      "You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result from stupidity"

      by newfie on Wed Aug 07, 2013 at 11:23:25 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Yes, I suggest being like Shiobe's father! (0+ / 0-)

        Teatrolls brainwashed that badly will not respond to empathy or forgiveness or anything they perceive as touchy-feely Disney Princessy hippie propaganda. Teatrolls are incapable of seeing the harm their actions cause until THEY are on the receiving end.

        Shiobe doesn't need to be a bitch about it. Just say in no uncertain terms that she will not speak to her father again until he apologizes to her husband for being a dick, and leave it at that. What happens next is solely her father's responsibility.

        Exactly how teatrolls day they like it.

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