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View Diary: Adoption Series Part 1 - Bitter Truths (101 comments)

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  •  Thank you for this series (19+ / 0-)

    I have been trying to foster/adopt for many years without success. My goal is to find an older child - first choice, a teen. I am a single woman with no children.

    Why a teen? I do want a child, but I don't really like little children that much. I have a beautiful room set up for the child. I've arranged my work schedule so that I will be home early in the evening to allow for lots of time with the child doing homework and just being there for him/her. I don't really want to be a Big Sister type of thing, because I want to be there every day for my child, not once or twice a week.

    I am financially well off and emotionally stable. There are no boyfriends or anyone else in my life who would take priority over the needs of this child.

    My difficulty has been kooky adoption agencies who keep messing up the works, but that is a different story.

    My question for you as an adoptee - am I being hopelessly naive about what it takes to be an adoptive parent? I am expecting that the adoptee will have emotional problems and be in a difficult place. The child at this age will probably have attachment issues as you describe. I am expecting drugs, sex and lawbreaking, which is why I plan to have a lot of time to spend with the child. It is also possible that the child may be pregnant or have a child of her own when she arrives. I don't know if I will be a good parent, but I am sure going to try my best.

    You don't know me. But based on your feelings as an adoptee, does it seem that this could be a reasonably happy place to be adopted into? Would you have been happy to have been adopted into this family at a late age?

    •  It all depends on the child and how well you (14+ / 0-)

      connect to that individual, imo.

      If I can jump in here, (as a fellow adoptee, no intention of highjacking)-

      The superficial trappings may be perfect, as seen in several above examples, it's the personal connection that makes the difference. I've known kids who grew up in abject poverty, but they knew they were loved and respected for who they were and they shared in everything that the family unit had or experienced. They grew up fine. And others who were in 'perfect' situations but were ignored, despised, abused or used for punching bags, emotional or actual. They didn't.

      The trappings are only a superficial indicator. It may seem like they show the actual situation, but it only increases the odds that a situation has the resources to make a stable home for a child.  It's the attitude of the parental units and the atmosphere that they create that is the fundamental basis for the solidity and the support system. They also oversee and set examples for the power dynamics between the individuals within the family. A lot of unusual situations can actually be more supportive than something that looks 'traditional'.

      You don't say anything about your relationships with nieces, nephews or other children and friends'  kids. I would think of those as good diagnostic examples. Do you have deep, stable, satisfying relationships with other children?

      Of course, diagnostic examples can all go out the window if you happen across the kid you click with.

      This may or may not be helpful, in which case I apologize. This is off the cuff and not thoroughly thought through, just a collection of observations from a long life as an adoptee.

      Information is abundant, wisdom is scarce. ~The Druid.
      ~Ideals aren't goals, they're navigation aids.~

      by FarWestGirl on Mon Sep 30, 2013 at 09:43:38 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  I would suggest , no matter the child you adopt (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      or foster, to consider ongoing family therapy which helps both of you with adjustment and getting to know each other, and deal with other issues that may crop up. I think that is very, very important.  And it helps to have  a strong support system in place such as your family and friends and others who will be there to encourage you, help you, and also it can be good for the adopted child to gradually become acquainted with your inner circle of close family and friends. It makes them feel like part of a larger family and more wanted and accepted.

      Keystone Liberals on Twitter @ KeystoneLibs , Join PA Liberals at

      by wishingwell on Mon Sep 30, 2013 at 08:46:08 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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