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View Diary: Reflections of a battered husband--and how loopholes in NC law made my divorce more difficult (38 comments)

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  •  I'm sorry you've been through this. (9+ / 0-)

    Men simply are not encouraged to discuss or acknowledge abuse. Emotional abuse of men, let alone physical abuse is just not deemed important. The silent message is just that, remain silent and endure.

    I also am not an abuser. I would never raise my hand either. My ex even tried to provoke me on several occasions, but I felt no provocation, only a deep pain that she was trying that to gain some sort of control by the attempt at provocation.

    As her control over me slipped away, all she had was insults and yelling and screaming. At the end, I would whisper my words to her, forcing her to listen, even as she screamed at me.

    -6.38, -6.21: Lamented and assured to the lights and towns below, Faster than the speed of sound, Faster than we thought we'd go, Beneath the sound of hope...

    by Vayle on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 07:13:21 AM PDT

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    •  I think she was trying to provoke me (5+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Vayle, Philpm, rebel ga, Mr Robert, FarWestGirl

      into lashing out as well when she goaded that girl into beating me up.  I knew almost as soon as she threw the first punch that she was trying to goad me into hitting back, so it would be an excuse to pack me off to jail.  

      Even though I could never dream of laying a hand on a woman, I don't think I've ever felt so powerless.

      •  Powerless, and without the words to convey (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Philpm, FarWestGirl

        how utterly shocked and disappointed you are that someone who loved you could do and say those things.

        I'll never give anyone that kind of power or control over me again. It's not worth it.

        -6.38, -6.21: Lamented and assured to the lights and towns below, Faster than the speed of sound, Faster than we thought we'd go, Beneath the sound of hope...

        by Vayle on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 07:38:51 AM PDT

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      •  I hope you got your divorce Christian Dem. (0+ / 0-)

        I believe everything you say. Some people might think that a 16 year old is all innocent or something. Not, necessarily.

        30 years ago, I had a sixteen year old neighbor who wanted me dead because she wanted this guy my age 25 yr old, to like her.

        Her mother was trying to talk him into marrying her, and he was running like the wind. *yeah, going twilight zone here (it's New Jersey, to be expected).

        She had her little teenage boyfriends stalk me, throw, bottles, bricks, etc at me. And way, way, more.

        Mine is a very long, dark story. But I was the victor. I'm still here. She ended up with some other idiot for a husband and five kids. Ouch!

        You poor thing. I hope you never see you psycho ex again CD.

        It's frightening when people are able to pull that legal bull. Her being able to access your bank account, that's really bad too.

        I hope you're ok after an experience like this.

        Bet you won't get married again without totally tying up your assets and getting a mental health evaluation on the prospective bride. More truth is said in jest.

        Check this out Christian Dem, it works on anyone.

        How to Detect Lies - Body Language, Reactions, Speech Patterns It's a riot! I do this all the time.

        This song was popular at the time. I still love it.

        Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

        by rebel ga on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 11:32:52 AM PDT

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    •  I'm not sure it's necessarily deemed (0+ / 0-)

      'less important', though I'm sure it feels that way. I think part of it may be that it's more difficult to prove in court, but mostly that people aren't used to dealing with situations where physical force is not an option, so they've never had to think it through, and they reflexively dismiss the situation because it's not in their experience.

      Most people can barely deal with what they find in their own lives, and since men being abused is considerably less common than the opposite, it's outside the realm of experience for so many people that they literally don't have a script of appropriate reactions to draw from. Not that that helps you folks, much, but I do want to point out that I don't think people are necessarily or intentionally being hurtful and dismissive of your situation or your pain, I just think that a lot of people are really unaware that it happens, much less that it happens a lot. There needs to be more of what we used to call 'consciousness raising' so that people can become aware and develop reasonable responses instead of the reflexive dismissal that happens all too often.

      And that consciousness raising only happens when people like you come out into the light and share your experiences. So thank you for speaking out and making it easier for other people to become aware of the problem.

      It is grossly unfair and the odds are tipped away from you being able to defend yourselves. Pragmatically that's because the situation is so often the opposite, but it's still not fair to you as individuals.

      I wish I could help in a more concrete way, rather than just a point of view and general support.

      {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{   those who need them}}}}}}}}}}}}}

      Information is abundant, wisdom is scarce. ~The Druid.
      ~Ideals aren't goals, they're navigation aids.~

      by FarWestGirl on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 02:48:03 PM PDT

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      •  It's really not 'considerably less common' (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        FarWestGirl
        since men being abused is considerably less common
        The actual rates are about 40 male victims per 100 cases as opposed to 60 female victims per 100 cases.

        I would not call a 3:2 ration women/men considerably less. The situation is not uncommon, though the type of domestic violence against men may not be deemed physical and therefore less important.

        Why? Well, men are told to man up, or suck it up, or deal with it. Many times, if they do raise attention to their situation, they are demeaned and ridiculed for doing so.

        Emotional and/or Verbal abuse of a man by a woman is simply accepted in most cases as something he has to put up with. Reverse the genders and those things are completely unacceptable for a man to put a woman through, but men are held to a different standard.

        The odds are indeed tipped away from men, but the situation is not uncommon at all.

        -6.38, -6.21: Lamented and assured to the lights and towns below, Faster than the speed of sound, Faster than we thought we'd go, Beneath the sound of hope...

        by Vayle on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 05:22:27 PM PDT

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        •  I misspoke, the perception of the incidence is (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Vayle

          considerably less, I apologize. And all the  more reason for people like the diarist and yourself to share your experiences.

          And for some of us, hopefully more and more, the behavior is equally offensive and unacceptable no matter who is the abuser and who the abused.

          And, for the record, I call it when I see it, regardless of the configuration and who's who. I grew up with a mean drunk, so I have this thing about 'fair'.

          Peace

          Information is abundant, wisdom is scarce. ~The Druid.
          ~Ideals aren't goals, they're navigation aids.~

          by FarWestGirl on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 06:05:52 PM PDT

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