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View Diary: I visited his grave [Trigger Warning] (54 comments)

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  •  This is what makes (4+ / 0-)

    it very powerful.

    I have found that it is really hard to allow myself to forgive myself for things that I assumed responsibility for when I was young.  Even though I was the victim, and all I am responsible for was not being able to stop the abuse.

    Most of us find it hard to forgive ourselves.  And then to forgive others.

    I am glad that you made it through.

    Many hugs,
    SW

    •  you might consider questioning this: (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      blueyedace2, Avilyn, RiveroftheWest
      and all I am responsible for was not being able to stop the abuse
      If you were a powerless child (or an adult, I don't know your story), how could you have stopped it? Why take responsibility for that?

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      I don't know about Chris Martin, but I do know why Saint Peter won't call my name.

      by Bill in MD on Thu Feb 06, 2014 at 07:57:33 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I agree (3+ / 0-)

        and in my head I know I could not be responsible or accountable.  But it took a long time to get there.  And there are times when I backslide.

        I have friends who wrestle with this also.  And have yet to be able to accept that the actions they took were the best they could do at the time.  

        In general, I have found it is really hard to forgive myself.  You would think that forgiving yourself would be pretty easy, but for many people it is not.

        If we are lucky, we find a therapist who can help us out of the self imposed hell.  I am pretty lucky that my history is not as horrible as some, and it still took me years and some pretty extensive personal development to emerge as a person who feels worthy to live in their own skin.

        That is why I find your story so impressive, and am grateful that you chose to share your journey with our community.  Doing the work to live past/through what happened to you is hard enough, sharing it with the community at large is pretty spectacular.

        •  It is a work in progress for me too (4+ / 0-)

          One of my therapists hit upon the idea that I should look at that little boy as someone else, and ask "Look at him. Really look. Do you honestly believe that this little boy is responsible? That it is even possible for him to be responsible?" That was when I made the most progress on this issue.

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          I don't know about Chris Martin, but I do know why Saint Peter won't call my name.

          by Bill in MD on Thu Feb 06, 2014 at 11:35:10 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  This is really the crux (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Bill in MD, RiveroftheWest

            of what I was talking about.

            Isn't it amazing that we have to envision this happening to someone else, before we can stop blaming ourselves.

            And even then it is really hard to release the self blame.

            I wonder what about us (as humans) that makes this so hard.

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