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View Diary: * New Day * — The worst mistake you ever made? Mine was saying, "Yeah." (236 comments)

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  •  Despite all that transpired (1+ / 0-)
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    I eventually understood that he had absolutely no intention to cause the kind of harm he inflicted. Actually I think I understood that much even while we were still together. He literally could not help himself.

    So rather than "Do I love him? the question (not without some prompting from my shrink who, after seeing my ex for a few weeks and without providing any concrete info such as a diagnosis) became "Am I willing to continue tolerating his behavior with the understanding that even if he tries to get help he might fail?" and the answer to that, sadly, was that I was not. He had been booted out by virtually every single person he'd ever been close to and it was a struggle for me to accept that it was more important to take care of myself than it was to try to not fall into that line. As we were not in touch after the end of our relationship (apart from a few very disturbing phone conversations) I don't know all of the details but from what I was able to glean he did eventually attain a bit of peace of mind towards the end.

    I cannot help but think that as his health deteriorated he found the idea that he would die as a consequence of illness (specifically HIV) to be comforting. He was hospitalized with his first opportunistic infection and died within 24 hours. I don't think he wanted to survive and I think he realized that at least his suffering would cease.

    Some people really get screwed over by life and he was one of them. Had it been within my power I'd gladly have made it all up to him but unfortunately I had no such power.

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