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View Diary: Cruelty under the guise of honesty (203 comments)

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  •  I would imagine they didn't actually intend to be (17+ / 0-)

    'mean'.  They probably even thought they were doing you a favour, by at least letting you know why they weren't interested.  A lot of people without weight problems seem to simply assume overweight people are somehow unaware of their weight issues, and if only someone would mention it, they could just 'fix it'.

    I tend to prefer people being honest with me, even if it does come across as cruel.  I'd rather know what people actually think so I can decide if I want to even consider associating with them.  Think of it as dodging a bullet.  By having them come across with such now, you save a lot of possible invested time and effort you might have wasted on them before finding out how they think.

    •  I would have preferred... (28+ / 0-)

      ...a simple, "I am not interested." I don't need to know why. Just that they are not interested.

      "Republicans only care about the rich" - George W. Andersen - my late Father (-8.25, -7.85)

      by Mark E Andersen on Sun Feb 09, 2014 at 10:20:00 AM PST

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      •  I'd have the opposite response. (6+ / 0-)

        Were I in your shoes and I'd gotten those responses (which I have in the past, I'm a big dude), at least I know the exact reason why they rejected me.

        Flat out polite rejections with no reason set off every single one of my numerous and varied neuroses, and affect me far worse since I begin to think about all the different reasons I would be rejected like that, and proceed to spend the next few hours working myself up into a funk while I pick over every one of my real or perceived flaws.

        So while I'm not discounting how these responses affected you, or saying that's the wrong way to feel about it, I could see how those women could believe they were acting in a spirit of helpfulness but ended up sending very cruel, hurtful messages.

        Just an alternate perspective, Mr. Andersen.  Good luck on your quest for a partner.

        Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Clarke's Third Law

        by The Technomancer on Sun Feb 09, 2014 at 02:28:14 PM PST

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        •  ^^^THIS^^^ (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          The Technomancer, FiredUpInCA

          Technomancer has numerous and varied neuroses.  That's why the women responde-oh, sorry.


          I mean I would rather have an honest explanation (delivered with grace!!) than a blank "no thanks" or just no reply.  Some things I can work on: less 3 Stooges references on a first date? Ok, got it.   :o)

          We are a very visual/physical attraction society (one of our many problems), some of these women - and of course the flip side: men - and any web-based dating service will put a lot of focus on our pictures.

          Ahh, 21st century America...

          Keep at it, Mark.

          "But I do apologize, JVolvo, for you are arbiter of all that can and cannot be discussed and I bow down to your supremacy when it comes to what can be written on this website." WinSmith 1/22/2014 - "OK" JVolvo 1/23/2014 (sorry, Clive)

          by JVolvo on Sun Feb 09, 2014 at 03:46:01 PM PST

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    •  I think you're right. People who might (6+ / 0-)

      be interested in you for a hundred other reasons just turn off when they find you're a "fatty." Mostly they don't mean to be cruel, they're just stating a fact. Sure it hurts, but honesty is a good thing and personally, I'd rather know sooner than later.

      I don't do dating sites, but I have online friends I've never met in person. I'd rather know it's my body, not something more important, that they're rejecting; it tells me something about them. That there's a shallowness there -- and even if they can't help their reactions, and I continue to correspond with them, I'm aware that they have a bigger problem than I do....

      •  Nonsense. (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        LuvSet, Debby

        A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live.--Bertrand Russell

        by Timaeus on Sun Feb 09, 2014 at 03:53:50 PM PST

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        •  In what way, Timaeus? n/t (0+ / 0-)
          •  Soul and spirit and body. (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:

            In that order.

            I respect your question very much, but I just can't give you a proper answer right now.

            But it's out there!

            I did try my best to point in the right direction with my first two sentences.

            A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live.--Bertrand Russell

            by Timaeus on Mon Feb 10, 2014 at 05:02:33 PM PST

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            •  Personally, I agree; soul, spirit and a good mind (1+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:

              are more important to me than the physical package they're wrapped up in. But not everyone feels that way and it's not necessarily a conscious choice -- just the reaction they have to a less than perfect body, especially the ones who are fitness freaks/perfectionists. That's the first thing they see.

              Shallow, sure. But I value honesty too; I'd prefer they tell the truth from the beginning. And heaven knows, I wouldn't want to be involved with a perfectionist anyhow!

    •  Bullshit, in this context. (0+ / 0-)

      A happy life must be to a great extent a quiet life, for it is only in an atmosphere of quiet that true joy dare live.--Bertrand Russell

      by Timaeus on Sun Feb 09, 2014 at 03:52:42 PM PST

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