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View Diary: The Science of Bisexuality (206 comments)

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  •  Well, as he said it's his opinion. ... and (5+ / 0-)

    everybody's got one. People who issue identify labels to others based on certain "defining behaviors" rather than what that individual feels about his (or her) own life and what they feel is most accurate for their identity. This is very common.

    How it often works is like this:

    married man, desiring some kind of sexual experience with men: "I think I might be gay. Possibly bi. I don't know. I love my wife and my family. I want to be with them. I also want a dick in my ass sometimes, and I love to suck cock (or imagining doing so), and I just can't stop thinking about that. What am I? Gay or bisexual? I could be a straight man who happens to enjoy a certain "kink" ok. That doesn't make me gay. I'm still straight. Maybe bi. I don't know."

    wife, and anyone else who finds out he likes to have sex of any kind with men: He's GAY! Run for you life!"

    gay men in the "community" he comes out to as questioning or possibly bisexual: "You're gay. Get over it. Your marriage is a farce and it's over. Oh and you're a coward if you don't "admit" you are gay and stop with the bisexual nonsense."

    Most women he tries to date: "You think you're bisexual? Thanks but no thanks! Ick."

    Men he tries to date: "You think you're bisexual? Thanks but no thanks! Ick."

    Destination: Pick a side! Make a decision! BE one or the other, this "both" shit won't fly with anyone.

    Where they go from here depends on many factors. Lots come out as gay, and reinforce the stereotype that bisexuality was never real. Belonging is so much easier and more comfortable.
    Some go back to being "straight" and either try to keep a lid on their "gay side" or act in in secret and hope they never get caught.

    Some few will have the strength of character and determination to stick with bisexual as an identity label, and "come out" over and over again, and get rejected over and over again, and get judged over and over again, but eventually build a small and closed circle of community.

    We find the most acceptance and have built lasting friendships with people we can be open with in a small bisexual community but mostly from within in the polyamorous community and within the larger "kink" communities, because those folks are much more open minded to people just being themselves, loving who they love, living how they live, and doing what they enjoy with consent and honesty. This is a TINY minority of people.

    The so-called "LGBT community" is not where bisexuals can find acceptance, support, or a sense of belonging. Fuck that, we still have people in that community debating if we exist or not! And granting us their blessings to do so... "Ok, you exist." Gee, thanks!!! I wonder why more bisexuals do not come out and be proud in the gay community? Sigh.

    Yes it should be clear I am speaking from very personal experience as well. I am still happily married to my bisexual husband, 17 years after he came out, first to himself then me then slowly to some select others. We have been through every phase, and I spent more than 10 years very active in bi support groups, spouse and partner support groups, and the "LGBT community" figuring out what I am and what my husband is and what these labels mean, or don't mean. I have a lot to say on this subject -- although I usually do not anymore. These debates eventually got old and we moved on. Now we just live our lives, with those select few who know us, and our personal life is not the business of the world at large.

    Demanding we "come out" in order to "gain acceptance" is a joke. All it means is bringing judgment down on your head from almost all quarters. You do find out who your friends are though. And it's been an extremely interesting life!

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