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View Diary: Overnight News Digest -- "Schrödinger's Cat--True or False?" Edition (22 comments)

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  •  Taking A Hint (11+ / 0-)


    About a month ago, a Reddit user posted online an Excel spreadsheet that her husband had spent two months creating. The husband had been documenting their sex life (or lack thereof) over that time, 3 times in 7 weeks, and decided to be a complete dick and sent it to his wife on her way to the airport for a work trip.

    “I open it up, and it's a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won't miss me for the 10 days I'm gone.”
    One thing pointed out by commenters to the story is that it seems this dude's problem, beyond being a rude asshole that would spreadsheet his sex life, may be about timing. He seems to be propositioning his wife when she's tired after work, or after she's worked out.

    On the other hand, if a couple is not having sex, that's probably a fundamental problem of a relationship. Is it just two people not being able to match up their sex drives, or is it a sign that one partner is cheating or that the attraction isn't there anymore? According to some statistics, as many one in five marriages are more akin to roommates that are "sexless" (i.e. the couple has sex no more than 10 times a year).

    From Marie Claire: 9 Real Reasons Why You're Not Having Sex Tonight

    1. I just got a blowout. Having sex is going to make me sweat...and even worse, it's going to make you sweat on me. No.

    2. I ate my body weight in french fries. I feel so full. I don't actually think there is room for you in here.

    3. Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on. I really can't miss this one. They're going to show the top of North's head!

    •  i'm not particularly sympathetic to his (7+ / 0-)

      critics. as your subject says: Taking a hint. the hint here is that she doesn't want to be with him. Why does she get to act like a victim when he finally confronts the issue that she hasn't been willing to address?

      To put the torture behind us is, inevitably, to put it in front of us.

      by UntimelyRippd on Thu Aug 28, 2014 at 09:27:04 PM PDT

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      •  Assuming Her Version Of Events Is True (5+ / 0-)

        It would be one thing to sit down with your wife/girlfriend and have a serious conversation about a lack of intimacy in your relationship.

        But it's pretty odd to think the way to deal with the problem is to send your wife a spreadsheet on her way to the airport for a work trip.

        That's not a way to save a relationship. It's a way to kill it. The only thing it's going to do is piss her off, and confirm everything that may be stirring in her head about why she doesn't want to have sex with him.

        •  Well, I agree, it's not the way to save (3+ / 0-)
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          a relationship.

          But I'm guessing he knew that when he did it.

          She was the one avoiding intimacy. She was the one with the problem in the relationship. She was the one with an obligation to initiate a conversation about it, because she was the one making up bogus excuses for god knows how long, instead of being honest about it. In the end, he called her out on her bullshit.

          To put the torture behind us is, inevitably, to put it in front of us.

          by UntimelyRippd on Thu Aug 28, 2014 at 10:03:25 PM PDT

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          •  Not necessarily. It doesn't sound like he's making (1+ / 0-)
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            the offer very attractive, much less enticing. And it kind of sounds like he's looking for a quick poke & holding grudges when he doesn't get it instead of seeking actual intimacy.

             Doesn't he have some responsibility for making the activity good for her as well? Or is saying 'yes' and laying back for 30 sec til he's done part of her wifely obligation? If she were enjoying herself too, she'd be a lot more likely to join in. She might even initiate.

            He could have asked at any time why she wasn't more interested and if he had any responsibility for that lack. He didn't, he took his grudge and made a spreadsheet. The only thing spreadsheets show are numbers. Maybe he's relying on numbers because the real reason the numbers are falling as they are is something he doesn't want to engage with.

            It really doesn't sound like he's seeking intimacy, just sex. On his terms. And being kind of a passive aggressive prick about it.

            But we don't have a lot of info here, I might be projecting from other couples I've known. ;-)

            Information is abundant, wisdom is scarce. ~The Druid.
            ~Ideals aren't goals, they're navigation aids.~

            by FarWestGirl on Fri Aug 29, 2014 at 10:38:32 AM PDT

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            •  I don't know how you infer anything about his (0+ / 0-)

              "style" from what's in the spreadsheet, but I admit I haven't gone to read any of the related source material, so maybe there are more details.

              This statement: "He could have asked ..." places the responsibility on him -- but why should he have that responsibility? She is giving him reasons why she doesn't want to have sex, and quite a variety of them; if those excuses aren't true, then she is lying to him. It's her obligation to be forthcoming and forthright, not his obligation to question her stated excuses. Based on other couples I have known, this marriage was already over, because she no longer wanted to be married to him.

              The idea that this came as a bolt from the blue for her is ludicrous. If that image is a representative sample, she declined sex 50 or 60 times in the span of 84 days; and if he had reached a point of frustration that motivated him to document the situation, I'm assuming the problem wasn't new. She must have been perfectly aware that she was stiff-arming him, but instead of addressing it, she chose to dissemble and leave him wondering WTF, knowing, if she has any sense at all, that eventually he would respond in some relatively confrontational way.

              To put the torture behind us is, inevitably, to put it in front of us.

              by UntimelyRippd on Fri Aug 29, 2014 at 02:51:55 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

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