Skip to main content

View Diary: My god this is getting ridiculous. (492 comments)

Comment Preferences

  •  Seriously, there are no sides, and this is not (26+ / 0-)

    a "community" in the sense of The Farm in the Tennessee outback or a local co-op. Sure, the word community gets used, but it's just for lack of more modern terms.

    But this is a forum. A venue. It's a public place. It's designed and themed to enable political debate and coordination. That's all.

    I really don't get all the soul-baring that goes on around here, particularly recently, and I double-don't-get all of the people that get upset when someone doesn't get their soul-baring.

    People talk about how important it is to validate someone when they "open up" here about "very painful" things, or how horrible it is to engage in "bullying" and blah, blah, blah.

    1) Don't "open up" in public, with strangers, about "very painful" things that will affect your mental health, particularly in a public forum that's about politics to begin with. Why would anyone do that? Would you go to Union Square in NYC or to Fisherman's Wharf in San Fran and start yelling in all directions about your deepest personal injuries and vulnerabilities? No? Because people might think you were crazy? Because some random schmo who is very different from you might take advantage of your state? Well it's the same thing here! And don't tell me that this is victim-blaming. If you had a best friend that was about to run to the middle of Manhattan and start yelling out loud about their deepest pain, and you knew that if it didn't go well they'd be in serious emotional trouble, you'd advise them to stop and try to find any way to help them find a healthier outlet and approach to their immediate future. Because you care and it would be the right thing to do. Same thing here. Just . don't . do . it . This is "The Daily Kos." It is not your family.

    2) Don't come here if you don't think anyone will disagree / be insulting / be rude / be dismissive. That is what happens in public amongst people from diverse backgrounds, particularly when the gathering that they attend is about politics.

    You don't want to get hurt? Why in heavens name would you put yourself in an emotional position to get hurt here? Someone in another diary got all bothered when I said this, but I'll say it again: this is not an appropriate or healthy forum for primary emotional attachments, or perhaps even secondary ones.

    This is not me being patronizing, this is me being a caring human being: If this place and this kind of participation is amounting to some of your key emotional infrastructure in life, then please get help! You are not being "victimized" by the DKos crowd, you are just hoping for something that isn't here, can't exist, and never will!

    -9.63, 0.00
    "Liberty" is deaf, dumb, and useless without life itself.

    by nobody at all on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 09:13:38 PM PDT

    •  what? (20+ / 0-)

      I have no emotional attachment to this site.

      But I think anyone would be at least a little hurt if they found out people were talking mad shit about them behind their back, or planning to get rid of them by mass hr'ing or defaming their character to other people.

      I would be hurt. Don't make that seem weird. It is a human reaction.

      •  Sorry—I misunderstood what you meant by (9+ / 0-)

        "hurt" in your post. I thought you meant something more along the lines of emotional attachment. Betrayed, violated by those you are vulnerable to, etc.

        Sounds like you meant the more appropriate kind of hurt for situations like this. The, as you say, very human kind of hurt whenever we are made the fool or left disappointed or crestfallen. That's perfectly normal.

        But my reading of the site recently is that there are a lot of people here these days whose relationship to the site and its relationship with them goes well beyond that.

        -9.63, 0.00
        "Liberty" is deaf, dumb, and useless without life itself.

        by nobody at all on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 09:30:14 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  I moderated on a mental health forum (12+ / 0-)

          and I know exactly what you are saying. The owner has the nasty habit of saying something and waiting until someone responds to him. He has 3-4 answers that he wants and if the poster doesn't understand his games, they might get blocked for an ungodly amount of time. I saw people sent away whose entire life centered around that forum. I left the forum as soon as I realized what the owner was doing.

          I feel that no  one should tie their identity to a site on the internet and on the other hand, I know  that some cannot keep themselves from doing just that.

          DK is not a mental health forum.

          "When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement." Mary Oliver

          by weezilgirl on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 09:44:28 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  That's a great summary: (18+ / 0-)

            DK is not a mental health forum.

            Some of the extended multi-day discussions here in recent months made me cringe, as in "OMIGOD why are you telling strangers these things? You are so hurt by their responses and invested in getting them to see your pain, as though you are going to be at risk if they don't! Clearly you are not in a position yet to open up about them to strangers and this can only make things worse!"

            The language of "triggers," "validation," "painful," "opening up," and all of this stuff just makes me wince for people and draw air in through my teeth. "That's gonna leave a mark" style. People are doing this here and they are going to get hurt. And then supporters bemoan the fact that "this is supposed to be a safe space, and by doing XYZ, person ABC is so hurtfully, so devastatingly making it not a safe space..."

            And all I can think is "OMIGOD stop right now—this is not a safe space, was never intended to be, and couldn't be if we all worked toward it for a decade!"

            You're exactly right—it's just not a mental health forum. There's nothing in the world wrong with very badly needing mental health assistance and expertise, or even just a support group. But a public space filled with a very large and diverse crowd is just plain not it, never will be.

            -9.63, 0.00
            "Liberty" is deaf, dumb, and useless without life itself.

            by nobody at all on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 10:34:40 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  I came to that conclusion a couple months (17+ / 0-)

              ago when writing a diary series about why this should be a safe place for people to tell their stories.

              It just never will be. Never has been. Thats originally why I stopped writing meta diaries. I am so naive and trusting, and I was expecting this community to be something that it is fundamentally not. That is, admittedly, not the entire story, but part of the reason why I decided to stop writing about this type of thing.

              The offsite stuff though is clearly over the line. That is not naivety, that is just prudence as a website of supposed ideological "allies".

              •  The only safe space is the one in your own head. (3+ / 0-)
                Recommended by:
                elsaf, weezilgirl, shesaid

                But once you've got that down, the rest is comparatively simple.

                Put out what you wish, maybe it'll do someone some kind of good, be of some purpose, and if someone wants to try the old using it as a weapon line?

                Have a good laugh. It's not like such people's thoughts or opinions matter anyway. It's just another tactic in the same old game of "let's see who can hurt the other to the point that they fold".

                But if you don't care, what they say doesn't matter. The opponent engages in a game they can't win.

                And it always get amusing when you see people halfwittedly flailing about for some kind of emotional impact, too dim in their pursuit to notice that they aren't managing to do a thing besides making themselves look really, really stupid and providing fodder for some serious giggles in the meantime.  

                By name and by nature.

                by Deleterious on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 11:50:44 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

      •  Which is why a little bit of cynicism (0+ / 0-)

        comes in handy. It's like aspirin.

        I would be hurt....It is a human reaction.
    •  i do and grew up that way (0+ / 0-)

      so i am not following...

      "That nice, but how do we keep it from going back to business as USUAL?" - Elon James White on Ferguson, MO

      by mahakali overdrive on Sun Aug 31, 2014 at 11:12:39 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    •  asdf (0+ / 0-)

      i totally agree.
      this is a political site,not a place to whine about mommy and daddy and your boyfriend and beg for money.

    •  Thank you. (0+ / 0-)

      I seriously don't get all this personal stuff either.  It's fine to make friends here, but people should be adult enough to separate their personal lives from their participation in this forum.

      It's such a fucking no-brainer.

      And the other thing I don't understand is all this upset over anonymous people! I've read several comments by people feeling like they can't come back, etc. I'm baffled at why anyone would feel intimidated by someone they haven't even met! By words on a screen!

      For fuck's sake.

      Finally, the admins should be much more proactive about researching allegations of offsite stalking and harassment. Apparently, one recently banned user had allegedly been doing this for years to several different people. If he used this site to send abusive private messages to people, he shouldn't just be banned, he should be sued. If people knew they could be sued for such activity, it would stop.

      I always assume that any private message I send here could be made public by the recipient. I've published such messages on a couple of occasions when crazy idiots with no life sent me bullshit messages. Private messages are "private" in name only. That's true for kosmail and email, etc.

      This bullshit shouldn't keep happening here. It's fucking embarrassing.

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site