in response to the act up/new york slogan of "silence = death" is the person who coined the phrase "action = life."  i understand the abruptness of the new york catch-phrase; i prefer to act out of the san francisco slogan though.

world aids day has never sat well with me,primarily because every day is such for me and countless of my friends who are still managing to keep on keeping on. to this day, i can not explain why i am the only one of my group of 10 who is still here.  or why my best friend died so suddenly never having had an OI or anything go wrong.  if there is a divine logic model, it has to e broken or so twisted as to be a joke on a scale so ginormous that its pattern is too indiscernible for mere mortals.

i was 23 when i got infected and 26 when i tested positive.  this virus has been with me for 23 years, more than half my life.  it takes my friends and mentors, it robs me of an entire generation of men here from whom i'll never know their stories and oral traditions -- which makes not just me but the following generation of gay men all the poorer. hiv is all i know.  i am a health care advocate and devotee because if i am not for me, who will be? it ground s my well-being, it is always right next to whatever is ailing me now.  

we will have achieved some measure of success in addressing the magnitude of this pandemic when we no longer corral all sympathy, respect, dignity and attention to this scourge into one 24-hour period.

i remember when the red ribbon idea was first announced -- there was an immediate agit-prop campaign that came out of nowhere that read:  red ribbons are for wrapping. i am not a present.

and i will know we have made an undeniable impact on this scourge the day that i no longer feel self-conscious on a plane, the bus or in a mall talking to my mom about my health, secure in the knowing that if i am overheard i would not be the object of silent derision and judgment.  which, sadly, is still the case, 25 years into the disease.

your diary was beautiful, in a way i can't resally  articulate well-enough to dare the verbiage.

i meant what i wrote in the other diary.  i still miss my best friend.  and nothing can ameliorate that pain, nothing short of him returning from the dead,alive and well and happy. no memories, no rituals, no chants and no amount of crying.  all i want is for my friends to be back, and to be well.  anything short of that is always going to be insufficient.

aids has not made me a better person.  i have never and will never see it as a blessing. it has not been a walk in the park and it has not made me more mature, measured or thankful for each and every moment i have on this planet.  no,i resent that  have to be on notice and conscious that my time IS limited.  it has decidedly altered my life and told me in no uncertain terms that my clock is ticking, faster than most, and ticking even as i type.

so, please accept my thanks for your diary. i needed it..