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View Diary: Remembering Alicia: How Sexism Kills Women (246 comments)

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  •  do you know anyone who was abused? (6+ / 0-)

    The dynamics between a couple are very different.  First it starts with psychological abuse, making the victim feel worthless and grateful to have such a "catch" for a spouse/partner, then it moves to physical violence.  By the time the victim is getting beaten up she (or sometimes he) feels utterly helpless.  You can walk away from a bar fight, or press charges, not so simple in DV cases.

    •  Actually I do know a few people... (1+ / 0-)
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      ... who have been abused in both types of situations.  I'm sorry, but broken bones don't hurt any less because you don't know the person who broke them.

      It's not always possible to 'walk away' and pressing charges doesn't make much difference if they are right back out to do it again in 6 months or less.

      I used to get chased every day when I was in my late teens.  There was a group of about 20 rednecks who wanted to beat me up because they didn't like my haircut.  A few months earlier, the same group had put one of my friends in the hospital requiring 6 pins to fix his arm which they had smashed.  I was lucky that the only time they managed to corner me there was only two of them, so I was able to get away before they beat me too badly.  I guess it's not as bad because we weren't dating?

      Oddly enough, the DV case I'm familiar with (because I was living there at the time) involved the wife attacking her husband regularly.  When I called the cops, she told them he pushed her too - which was true.  He was trying to get her to stop choking him.  They were both taken to jail but she was released an hour later while he had to stay overnight (got to love what passes for justice these days).  Neither pressed charges because he didn't want people knowing she was beating on him and she knew he would nail her to the wall legally if she tried.

      •  In the olden days, assult was punished much more (7+ / 0-)

        harshly than DV.  The current DV are a reaction to a time where it actually WAS BETTER (in terms of prosecution) to be unrelated to the person who assaulted you.  Also, frequently, DV victims (most commonly women) wouldn't cooperate with the prosecutor once the DV charges were filed (in terms of showing up at court and testifying, etc.), so "special" DV rules and procedures had to be drafted to give the victim less leeway in terms of deciding to press charges.

        •  Overcompensation is not equality (1+ / 0-)
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          I completely agree things were bad before, but I don't think overcompensating for previous discrepencies is just.  I feel bad for people in abusive relationships, but they don't deserve special treatment because they make bad relationship choices.  A home or apartment walls do not magnify the force of a violent assault.

          Maybe I'm crazy - I'd just like to see them punish the crime not the situation.  If the situation is part of the crime, then the laws should already cover them without concern towards the relationships involved.

          •  Sometimes... (5+ / 0-)

            ....technical equality manages to prevent equity. So this is necessary, or you do victims of DV a grave disservice. If you can't or won't take this into account, I don't think you understand the dynamics of DV. It's not just a question of someone "making a bad decision" by "deciding" to be with an abuser. Often, a DV victim stays with an abuser because they realize they could well be killed if they try to get away. Which is why we have to take DV more seriously than a simple assault.

          •  My loving sister asked me if I knew he was like (5+ / 0-)

            that when I married him. Helloooooo. Sure, I put an ad in the paper for someone to try to wreck the rest of my life and he was the nastiest thing I could find, so we wed. The attitude behind what you said is what I attack here, not you.
                I have a high IQ, good upbringing with no abuse, college degree, work skills. NO!! He hid the evil inside. Said and did all the right things. Manipulated all the best things about who I am and how I was raised ---- to set the mental trap.
                And in those years, no one spoke in public about it. Shame attached to the victim and it must happen to poor and stupid people. So you don't admit it or seek help. You tell the truth -- they lie -- they win.   Get courage to call cops --- they say "are you married"? Since it was yes --->then it is your word against his.
               While I'm at it please don't ever say this one either ----> "She must like it since she keeps going back."  Sometimes it is safer to stay until real escape is possible, especially if he has "rights" to "visitation" to terrify your child.  Ask O.J.'s wife how well LEAVING worked out.
              For fellow victims, think about this ---- did he do it before you? will he do it after you? Then quit beating yourself up.  The best revenge is living well and being happy. Abuser can't escape themselves!!!
              The WALLS don't make the trap --- but knowing name, address and phone number of every person you care about or who could help you -----does make it different.      
              I rant, because I've heard the same thought train so often. And know that those thoughts are a big part of what keeps many trapped too long. Had to be said.

            De fund + de bunk = de EXIT--->>>>>

            by Neon Mama on Thu Apr 05, 2007 at 11:49:46 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

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