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  •  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (1+ / 0-)
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    betson08

    Which you can read about here. Be a nice add-in when pitching the rest of this week to add poignancy to the subject.

    I hadn't seen one story on the month until Wednesday's late news when a candlelight vigil was covered. Sadly, as a survivor myself I would have missed the occasion entirely if not for catching that. However, I had checked the DV tag just the day before that here at dKos and was sad to see there'd been no diaries since the middle of September.

    Thank you so much for your efforts that will help those like me who had nowhere to go when one was most needed. Not having a place to escape to actually encourages the abuse to get even worse; because it can.

    Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est... est... le singe est disparu! -- Eddie Izzard

    by CSI Bentonville on Thu Oct 25, 2007 at 11:35:08 PM PDT

    •  CSI - thank you so much for reminding me (1+ / 0-)
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      CSI Bentonville

      about this. I did know but I was so into crafting the article that I had forgotten about it. However, Miss Laura may do a front page on the shelter and I'll remind her of this.

      You could do a diary on dv, even if not not as a survivor (depends on how you feel about telling people about that) but as a person who knows a lot about the subject. People need to become more aware.

      I'm not a dv victim as such, but my father was extremely and loudly verbally abusive and threatening to us and my mother would never leave. So I can relate to the feeling of being trapped with no place to go.

      I guess that might be a reason why I found that Amnesty report especially galling - Native women either don't have anywhere to go, or when they do go to a hospital there are no rape kits and they're often brushed off when there are -- unless there are advocates helping them.

      How can it be that the Mayor of Aberdeen South Dakota can get up and testify in court that a rapist was an upstanding citizen? It felt like being in a time warp to hear that story. So, besides what happens on a personal level we see how the system itself is terrible. At least this time the State wanted to keep on with the prosecution.

      Bless you in your continuing recovery process. I know it's something that's ongoing for all dv survivors.

       

      •  Eek :) (2+ / 0-)
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        betson08, blueintheface

        I do wish I could; I do *want* to diary on this subject. However, I haven't been able to figure out how to control the flashbacks and flood of emotions that come when I start diving into the subject and it takes weeks to get back on a more even keel. Even now, just typing this has me feeling sick to my stomach.

        Maybe I can do more next year. On the bright side I certainly have much more empathy to those who are being shoved into this war (of neo-conner ego) because PTSD is no fun at all.

        Years ago, even before I realized what sort of relationship I was in at the time (many of my friends were in similar so I thought it was what you get), The Sun published a piece by a woman who had been cornered into being a counsellor for a batterer intervention program and how it affected her. She mentioned how years into it she and her co-workers mocked one woman who came in looking for assistance after *only* being hit one time. She realized how broken it all is when that's what is happening. What we want is for people to be able to say, no, I won't allow this; I don't deserve this; I am better than this; I won't compromise my boundaries. Therapy spends hours trying to rebuild that in those who have been victimized.

        Please try not minimize what you have been through. No physical abuse happens without the "build-up" abuses that are difficult to show the injuries done. Frankly, I was relieved when the physical abuse started. For one I could finally point to the bruises and broken bones which snapped people out of their denial and minimizing of what must be happening which in the end is enabling.

        There is a number of less visible but ultimately more damaging and longer lasting abuses which include mental, psychological, emotional (yes there are distinctions), economical, financial (yes there are distinctions), religious, sexual, verbal and more. It was insulting to me that people's eyes would get wide when they heard about the broken bones but for years had brushed off the other injuries of soul as nothing or worse, my fault. That's not just telling us it's normal, it's very much a societal set-up to the abuse. The bones healed quickly but I'm still dealing with the many scars that are harder to see.

        And I'm not the least bit surprised by the mayor. Police officers are notorious for being abusers. Unfortunately there's a certain attitude needed to be a police officer and it's a very fine if often non-existant line between authority figure (often also lawyers and judges) and abuser. So, not only do you have officers who know exactly how to play the system, then they cover for each other; there's also the minimizing of what their abusive brethen out in the world are doing when someone calls for help. She (97% of victims are female) must have been asking for it, provoking it... she's just as abusive as he is (because any defensive move is considered abusive at least when she does it) and more. So, a victim doesn't even bother to call. It's just more trouble. Even in the best of circumstance she often has to explain and justify and defend her life choices that even led to calling for help. To those who we are to turn to it's not that she's a victim but that she is responsible for everything that happened. If only she'd made better choices they wouldn't have to come rescue her stupid ass...

        It's really evident with the whole first line that seems to come out of everyone when the discussion even happens which is, Why doesn't she just leave...? Which as you know isn't so easy as those 5 dismissive words. First of all, why doesn't he just stop? You wouldn't have written this diary if there were places to go. One of the most disheartening aspects is no one wants to take in a victim because those who might are themselves too afraid of the abuser and what might happen to them or their family.

        And hence why so many people just avert their eyes. If they can't see it then it isn't happening and nothing needs to be done.

        The very religious part of my family told me it was God's will and all this would make me stronger... but to remember God loves me...

        They also fear that if it can happen to the neighbor or family member then it is that much more possible it could happen to them. That happens in a lot of instances where the victim has to be at fault (for instance poor lifestyle brought on a mugging/rape/cancer) because to think otherwise means they too are in as much danger.

        But even if she can get away then the court system becomes a way to force her to continue to deal with her abuser. Imagine if people were told to just figure out a way to get along with the person who assaulted/raped them? Yet that's exactly what happens. If she objects at all she's the one considered difficult. Meanwhile he is filing all kinds of things because he has the money and can and she either has to respond which forces her to deal with him, and she has to match the funds to be able to respond which puts her in a financial bind (he gets to control her by remote), or she has to give in to his demands.

        ::sigh::

        It's why I push myself to be so blunt about it. Lots of people avoid me now as if I'm contagious but they weren't beneficial people in my world anyway and now it's because they have to actively avoid the issue rather than have me complicit in their comfort of chosen ignorance.

        Here's are some more resources I put together a while ago that might help you and in putting together more stuff for PBWH. I will try to put something together myself but please do not count on it. :]

        Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est... est... le singe est disparu! -- Eddie Izzard

        by CSI Bentonville on Fri Oct 26, 2007 at 01:09:02 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Wow (2+ / 0-)
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          CSI Bentonville, blueintheface

          This is incredible stuff. Thanks so much for the links. Yes, and dont' write if it gives you flashbacks. A good friend of mine can't even visit her parents without getting PTSD (her father regularly beat the crap out of her mother, and her brother too if he came to her defense), so I can completely understand that.

          Thanks for help with getting the information together.

          Wow, life......that's all I can say.

        •  One other thing (2+ / 0-)
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          CSI Bentonville, blueintheface

          between this response and the other comment you linked me to you have a diary. It doesn't have to be for yourself. It could be for some other Kossack who feels like she's trapped and has nowhere to go.You don't have to write about yourself, just the types of men who do this and the resources available. Just a thought. In the meantime, I'll check out your resources link and see if I can get them on to the pretty bird woman blog.

          thanks again for delving into this issue in this comment, I can tell by your writing that it brings up stuff just thinking about the topic.

        •  A heads up (0+ / 0-)

          White Rabbit is going to write something personal over the next few weeks. If you miss it I'll send you a message.

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