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View Diary: My Abortion Baby (287 comments)

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  •  It is not narcissism (13+ / 0-)

    In my arrogance I once thought that.  I actually refused to take the downs test on my two sons because I would NEVER abort.  

    I have an autistic son.  Although my husband and I used two forms of birth control to my surprise, I ended up expecting at 40.  

    My MD and I ran the numbers and the odds of my having a down child and/or/with autism was extremely high.  

    I have been raising my autistic son for 7 years, spent over 100K on therapy and almost lost my marriage.  My older neurotypical child has been put aside at times, he has been bitten, and humiliated and he knows he will be raising his brother for the rest of his life.

    I made the RESPONSIBLE decision not to have this child.  I may have been able to raise another disabled child, not happily and not without losing even more of myself.  It was not fair to both my children, my husband OR society to bring another life into this world.

    It hurts me still but trust me, I have not doubted my decision to this day and it certainly knocked me and my judgemental ass down a few pegs.

    Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

    by Sleeps in Trees on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 04:00:24 PM PDT

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    •  I may not have been clear (7+ / 0-)

      I don't judge anybody's decision to carry or not carry a pregnancy to term.

      I understand well the burdens placed by disability on families. Although the strains caused by my son's problems have been severe by some standards, certainly I have seen other families that have been much harder strained than ours, strained to the breaking point. Believe me, I understand.

      I do not mean to say that choosing abortion is a narcissistic act.

      I just meant that this diary, with its celebration of things like taking a year off to see the world, etc, etc, and then celebrating the "perfect" child that came later, struck me as coming from a pretty self-involved point of view.

      Keep in mind, please, that the word "toxoplasmosis" is a red screaming flaming hot button for me. I may not always speak rationally when it come up.

      Wetmachine for your daily dose of technoparanoia.

      by j sundman on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 04:18:38 PM PDT

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      •  I understand what you mean (4+ / 0-)

        and I agree. I'm very pro-reproductive righst. I've even had an abortion (although, for medical reasons not related to how the child may have turned out--my choices were D&C sooner or emergency hysterectomy later.)

        But I'm also someone with Asperger's. A mild form of it, but all the same, I wasn't the child my parents wanted. At times, I have wondered if my mother had known I would have AS, if she would have aborted me. I was suppose to be the "OK" child, after my brother, who has autism traits but has never been dx'd, proved to be so needy. My mother's motivations for having children were indeed selfish and narcissistic, and as result, I grew up in a very unloving home, as if I was being punished for not being the child she wanted. Hell, she's still punishing me like this, and I'm in my 30's. I can't hold that against her--if you knew her miserable childhood and family history, you'd understand why she turned out like that. I just have to do my best to not become a miserible soul like her.

        Anyhow, I know sometimes people do have these misplaced desires and expectations of their children. It happens.

        -8.50, -7.64 "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer." - Camus

        by croyal on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 05:40:18 PM PDT

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        •  Disabled Child (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          AllisonInSeattle, ladybug53

          Understand, I would never change the child I have, nor would I change the fact that he is mine.  

          If I knew he would have Kanners Autism, I still would have had him.  That being said, I knew that I could not give our family (including my son with ASD) the stability, both financially and emotionally they deserve if we had another child with autism or downs.

          Again, I am fortunate enough to live in Canada as I was counselled, booked and in the clinic about 3 wks after conception.  Yes, I got hassled a bit by one Dr. and because of that, the clinic blacklisted him.

          I have to say, with regards to the clinic, I have never met a more caring group of people in my life.

          Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

          by Sleeps in Trees on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:04:32 PM PDT

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        •  Likely most parents have a romanic view of (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Sleeps in Trees

          parenting in advance. Likely few parents can imagine how difficult and demanding it will be. If they could... likely our population would be quite a bit smaller.

          When you look around the world, people have children hoping it will be incredibly fulfilling, hoping it will "make me happy".

          I'm not trying to take your mother off the hook, in many families one child is scapegoated for whatever reason. It's painful, likely damaging. Lord knows plenty of other parents heap on the expectation to be "perfect" to be fully loved.

          Be good to each other. It matters.

          by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:29:38 PM PDT

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      •  Thanks for the clarification (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        j sundman

        And please, I totally understand the "red flag", I'm guilty of it myself.  

        Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

        by Sleeps in Trees on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:06:18 PM PDT

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