Skip to main content

View Diary: My Abortion Baby (287 comments)

Comment Preferences

  •  I understand your anger at this diary. I think, (7+ / 0-)

    however, the diarist is stating that she and her husband could not do what you and your wife do--some people can climb Mt. Everest but not everyone can.

    I did not get the sense of her not wanting to deal with the "yucky imperfect one" at all.  Rather, I heard her assess she was not up to the challenge of raising the child.  Her choice.

    •  Thank you Dretutz (8+ / 0-)

      I can see why folks who have a disability or  children or family members with disabilities can read this with certain sensitivities in the fore. Perhaps there were better ways the diarist could have made clear she was making the decision for herself and her family not as an indictment on the lives of others (and I think she has tried to make that clearer in the comments.) But saying that one chooses not to gamble with the suffering of one's own potential offspring and family is not the same as saying that all people with disabilities should not be born or be supported once born.

      My husband and I have chosen not to bring children into the world because there is a very high percentage chance of them being born with severe mental illness (bi-polar.) We know first hand from respective family members who suffer how debilitating it is - and the strain of bi-polar in our family is particularly so. For instance, though my brother is for the first time holding a job and living in his own apartment (he's 40 btw), he is by no means financially or emotionally independent, nor is he ever likely to be. In addition, he suffers from side effects of his medications, from lapses when he doesn't take his meds or when the effectiveness wears off (as it does every few years and then we need to find a new dose or a new medication) and has developed other health issues as a result of not always being able to take care of himself (diabetes, high blood pressure etc.) He's also a recovering drug addict. Not to mention the terrible years of struggle before his diagnosis and the first meds that actually made a dent in the cycling.

      I am proud of how far he has come and have fought and will continue fight to make sure he can reach his highest potential and always have his needs met. But I would not chose for a child of my own to suffer as he has or as my younger brother did before he died of a heart condition brought on by the medications he was taking for his bi-polar disorder.

      It is not a matter of wanting a perfect child or of wishing that my brothers had not been born. It is a matter of not wishing to take a gamble with the loaded dice that are our genes and watch our child suffer terribly and, in our minds, needlessly.

      Like abortion itself, this is a very, very personal matter. Our decision is right for us. Your mileage may very. But, please, don't judge those of us who make this decision the same way the so-called pro-lifers do. This is not a narcissistic or callous decision at all. We want children but know that we cannot bring suffering into the lives of another to satisfy our own desires.

      One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear. - Nietzsche

      by Mayken on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:09:14 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  It takes a generous heart to want to avoid (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        AllisonInSeattle, Mayken

        suffering that seems likely.  Best to your brother and your family.

        •  Thank you again. It was a remains (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          AllisonInSeattle, Dretutz

          a heart-breaking decision.

          One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear. - Nietzsche

          by Mayken on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:24:17 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Have you considered adoption? (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Mayken

            Be good to each other. It matters.

            by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:37:17 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  Yes, we are actually in process (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              AllisonInSeattle, bobnbob

              My husband and I know that we will love any child we are so blessed with, but there is still grief in our decision not to have a child of our bodies.

              We have been waiting for a referral for 3 years now. Also heart breaking in it's own way. But we know the wait will be worth it when we hold our child in our arms.

              But I love this poem that sums up our feelings for our future child:

              Not flesh of my flesh,
              Not bone of my bone,
              But still miraculously my own.
              Never forget for one single minute
              You grew not under my heart but in it.
              (Wish I knew who the author was.)

              Thanks for bringing up the issue. Both for the kindness it shows from you and because it is an important one in and of itself. I just didn't want to make my already lengthy comment much longer.

              One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear. - Nietzsche

              by Mayken on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 07:42:46 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              •  Read wonderful article years ago which (2+ / 0-)
                Recommended by:
                Gram E, Mayken

                said that to know if one loved bio or adopted children differently, only one set of people to ask: those who'd done both. Those people said, "10,001 runny noses, 7,000 times getting up with the child in the middle of the night, 50,000 cuddles later... there is no difference". Nice to hear, eh?

                There is a fabulous poem about adoption, I'll email it to you, there are some altered versions floating around out there.

                Half my cousins on my mom's side were adopted, our whole family's opinion: no difference.

                Be good to each other. It matters.

                by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 10:00:35 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

          •  And, I respect your decision greatly n/t (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            AmericanRiverCanyon, Mayken

            Be good to each other. It matters.

            by AllisonInSeattle on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 06:37:37 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

      •  Not to cop out (0+ / 0-)

        but I've pretty much said, or tried to say on this subject in my comments here and in my Salon article.

        My oldest daughter has bipolar disorder.

        Wetmachine for your daily dose of technoparanoia.

        by j sundman on Mon Jun 01, 2009 at 08:33:47 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

  • Recommended (129)
  • Community (60)
  • Memorial Day (31)
  • Culture (23)
  • Environment (22)
  • Law (20)
  • Civil Rights (20)
  • Science (20)
  • Rescued (20)
  • Labor (18)
  • Education (17)
  • Elections (17)
  • Media (17)
  • Trans-Pacific Partnership (16)
  • Marriage Equality (16)
  • Economy (15)
  • Republicans (14)
  • Ireland (14)
  • Racism (13)
  • Josh Duggar (13)
  • Click here for the mobile view of the site