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  •  what would sarah do? (0+ / 0-)

    ladies and gentlemen, my name is joelgp and i’m filing this critical report for WISPWP news. for those of you who are new to this broadcast, WISPWP is a comprehensive series on "what if sarah palin was president" with reports to prove how much better america would be if sarah was in the oval office.


    let’s look at the oil spill using the WISPWP, conservative family values approach:

    Day 1: rig blows-- sarah: "dang, we needed that oil." palin’s energy advisor joe barton rushes in screaming, "mrs. president, bp is losing their stock value" palin: "um, dang."

    Day 10: diversity czar jan brewer advises palin not to let the oil flow to mexico sayin’ "that’s our oil spill and don’t you let anyone else have it--especially the mexicans."

    Day 17: palin has an oval office speech: "my fellow americans, i am paying $500.00 a barrel for anyone who will skim the gulf for that good ole american oil--drill baby drill--hey soldiers also, too.

    Day 23: sarah goes to todd’s office crying: "honey, we’ve paid out billions of dollars to the tea party oil skimmers but we only have 10,000 gallon’s of oil cleaned up so far." so todd meets with jan brewer, rand paul, nikki haley and sharon angle to develop a master plan because he believes it’s important to pretend you’re leading even if you don’t know what to do.

    Day 25: todd’s plan goes into effect. sarah and the crew moves to the gulf, puts on white boots and picks up tar balls all day---every day. then, people magazine shows up asking if sarah’s breast were real but sarah says "not now people." after several days, sarah realizes she’s collected only 10 barrels of oil so she angrily consults oil engineer, glenn beck.

    Day 36: glenn beck, sarah and todd jumps on water skis--streaking across the gulf with ropes, chains and big ole huntin’ knives clenched between their teeth. todd and glenn reaches the site first-jump off immediately--diving to the depths no man has ever seen before. glenn snags the blowout preventor with his ropes while todd stabs it repeatedly in the neck. after an hour of fighting the oil without oxygen, todd and glenn swims back up to find sarah fishing for grouper and perch.

    Day 56: dejected and in despair, sarah calls another press conference --accompanied by her secretaries of defense, the fox and friends crew and the secretary of state, joe the plumber to explain the following: "my fellow americans, we have finally developed a plan to destroy that mean ole blow-out preventor with two nu-cle-are--(dang, I still have so much trouble saying that) with the, the, um, --nuclear warhead thingees.

    Day 59: so they bomb the blowout preventor causing a 200 mile crack in the ocean floor and 20 million barrels of oil starts gushing from 2000 different locations every single day. that’s the good news-- unfortunately, the bad news is that an 80-foot tidal wave heads for florida --but sarah said she didn’t care because florida was slowly turning blue anyways.

    Day 62: sarah goes back into the oval office to address the nation for one last time: "my fellow americans, as i promised, i have stopped the oil leak. however, i sincerely apologize to those of you who had lost loved ones living in florida. while we were able to save everyone from jacksonville to pensacola, everything below lake city broke off and sank."


    sarah: "one more thing however, is that i have to say, always, is that i have authorized bp to start drilling again in the land areas formerly known as orlando, tampa and miami also, too.

    drill baby drill.

    what if sarah palin was president?


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