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View Diary: "Make the school feel like sh*t" (139 comments)

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  •  All Too familiar. (5+ / 0-)

    I was bullied relentlessly too. For reasons which remain unclear to this day. No one ever helped me. It would happen in class, at lunch...

    At one point someone yanked my pants down. I of course reported them. Ready for it?

    The principal said he couldn't do anything if he didnt know who they were. He expected me to find the person who had been this foreward in assaulting me, and kindly ask him his full name.

    You're all smart folks; What do you think my chances would be if I had actually attempted this? I have a fairly good idea.

    So it continued. So i stopped going. This harssment had been going on for two years. I finally couldnt stand it and, fearful of how far i was sinking, could not continue. The school's response? Ready?

    They sent their head truant officer to harass me and scare my little brother, even threatening to call the police on me. While I was at home. Not on a school day even.

    What on earth can I possibly say about that? They apparently had no problem using their full force to attack me when I could no longer stand being harassed and being ignored.

    I had to leave. I had to. Because that was long before I realised what I know today. Today, I know that even at my worst, what i want is my life to be BETTER, not to end. Im in a lot of pain and have medical issues so the suicide thoughts pop up, but they are always fleeting. Infact I often have panic attacks because I really do not want to die, despite the pain. At least not until Skyrim comes out. (Yeah I actually started panicing that I might die before then, for that reason...lets just move on.)

    Back then though, I didnt know this. I was so hurt and so afraid and so so lonely that...I just couldnt handle it. Fortunately, after I had a breakdown and nearly harmed myself, i spent a week involuntarily in a mental health hospital...Ready for one last one?

    This was the best week of my entire teen years. No im not kidding, not even kinda. Oh sure I was upset when I went in, who wouldnt be? But after the first day I realised...wait these people are actually listening. The yarent ignoring all the pain, the fear, the isolation and social anxiety. Not like anyone else, include counselors, had done the last several years.

    I felt safe -- not from myself but from the monsters who so hated me. And I felt happy being there.

    I even tried to convince them to let me go to day treatment there (which includes school) rather than going back to my hellhole. No such luck.

    But yeah. Think about that for a second. I was having a better time essentially imprisoned than i had for the past several years. and the next few years to come.

    And that is disgusting, disturbing and really screwed up. That I was happy, not because of drugs or traetment, but just having someone listen to me and take me seriously. Things went back to the way they were after this, my isolation returning as the harassment continued.

    Im just gonna reemphasize this once more, becuse it deserve emphasis: The best time in my teenage years was when i was involuntarily admitted to a mental healthcare hospital.

    When I couldnt handle the return of harassment? I started using drugs. Which i had never done before. It was the only way i could stop the feeling of hell i was perpetually in. Fortunately it was only pot, enough to take off the edge but not send me into wherever it is that people go inside their heads when they use opium. By this time, understand, I was sick from not eating, and 3 hours of sleep at average. I was doing everything i could to just...have as much time away as possible.

    And for this, I was punished. And no one else.

    What-The-Fuck. Thats really the only thing i can think of to express my feelings over these events. I cant even begin to put it into sane language, because sane wasnt a factor.

    ...Oh, youre probably wondering why i was harassed so much and attacked so much by now. Because I had curly hair. Thats it. There it is. sometimes, when the harassment equals such vicious levels, its not about the preceived thing causing it. It was about them harassing me. I was even told, in no uncertain terms, that the attacks would continue even if I cut my hair.

    Im really glad no one knew i was gay at the time. Things couldve gotten ugly.

    Maybe I'm smarter because I know cats can be bats can be rats can be hats can be gnats can be thats can be thises. And that doors can be boars can be snores can be floors can be roars can be spores can be yours can be mine.

    by kamrom on Sat Jul 02, 2011 at 04:02:30 AM PDT

    •  People bully for the stupidest reasons (0+ / 0-)

      Or for no reason whatsoever. It's like putting someone down builds you up.

    •  I'm so sorry, Kamrom (0+ / 0-)

      The best time in my teenage years was when i was involuntarily admitted to a mental healthcare hospital.

      Just...I'm sorry that happened to you.

      I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - M Angelou

      by Lightbulb on Sat Jul 02, 2011 at 09:56:18 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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