Many people have been troubled by the recent revelations about Mitt Romney's past, and his very strange, trivializing reaction to being asked about it has brought up serious questions about the man's basic character. But not everyone has had that reaction - for some people, the revelation has been an inspiring, liberating story about youthful exploration of the joys of malice, violence, and cruelty. So, today, some of those people have announced the creation of a PAC to support his candidacy: Sociopaths for Romney. I've had a chance to get some quick comments from some of these people, who now say they want to be called Crocodile-Americans rather than sociopaths. Their comments below the jump.
1. Patrick Bateman.
Q: Patrick, why do you support Mitt Romney?
A: I do not hope for a better world for anyone. In fact, I want to inflict my pain on others. I want no one to escape. And besides, I sense that Romney and I share similar tastes in attire and business card design. Also he seems like someone who can appreciate Huey Lewis and the News.
2. Anton Chigurh.
Q: Anton...do you mind if I call you Anton?
A: (flips a coin, looks disappointed) You just did.
Q: I hear that you are a member of SocRom, the new Crocodile-American PAC to support Mitt Romney.
A: (cold, silent stare)
Q: Is that correct?
A: How would I know what you hear?
Q: Is it correct that you support Mitt Romney?
Q: Any particular reason?
Q: ...Would you please share one?
A: (sigh) People are cattle. He understands this. Would you hand me that air tank?
3. Dick Cheney.
Q: What are your reasons for supporting the Romney candidacy, Dick?
A: Do you see that pile of burnt sticks in my fireplace? Those are human bones. Don't ever address me by my first name.
Q: Erm, what are your reasons for supporting the Romney candidacy...Mr. Cheney?
A: Sir Cheney.
Q: Umm, were you knighted by some other country...?
A: Human bones. Fireplace.
Q: So, Sir Cheney, about the Sociopaths for Romney PAC - why did you get involved?
A: I once put a dog in a washing machine cranked up to maximum heat and maximum spin, and just kind of sat and listened to the sounds it made. It was gratifying. I got the same feelings when I was Vice President watching America squirm in anguish under my control. Well, I want that feeling again, and Mr. Romney seems like a man who can appreciate that kind of experience. Granted, he merely put a dog on top of a car, but I think he will grow to love the finer points of power if he is President.
4. Dick Jones.
Q: Tell us about your work with SocRom, Dick.
A: Funny story. Back in 2007 or so, one of the weapons systems I'd sold had malfunctioned and blown up an elementary school or something like that - who can keep track of these things? Luckily no children of any important people were hurt. Anyway, Donald Rumsfeld called me up in a tizzy and told me get my ass down there to finalize the 20-year, $10-billion contract for the weapon before things could get awkward...
Q: Romney was involved in this?
A: No, not at all - it's just an amusing anecdote I was telling when I met him a few months ago. When I told him about the school, his very first question was what we had expected the total settlement cost to be. I was so glad to finally meet someone who understood the pressure I was under and didn't just mince around with silly questions about casualties and sentimental blubbering about paraplegic 8-year-olds. Let me tell you, this guy would be great for business.
5. Daniel Plainview.
Q: Mr. Plainview, what do you see in Mitt Romney?
A: I see a man who understands that life is a constant battle for dominance in which the weak are constantly trying to drag you down. If he wants a milkshake, he doesn't ask for one, he doesn't offer to share one with others, and he certainly doesn't spend his own money to buy one if he doesn't have to. No, he drinks your milkshake. He drinks it up until it's dry, and then throws the empty glass in your face just to drive the point home. DRAAAAAIIIINNNNNAGE!
Q: Colonel, why have you gotten involved with Sociopaths for Romney?
A: America can't handle the truth, and fortunately we have just the candidate to never tell it. He knows that there are certain burdens that go along with total impunity and utter lack of accountability - burdens that no mere mortal can understand. I look forward to invading Iran once President Romney is done auctioning off parts of our own country that aren't needed anymore, like the schools, libraries, and hospitals. Those are for the weak, and the weak are faggots.
Q: So, umm, T, why did you get involved with SocRom?
A: Technically I'm not a sociopath because I'm not human or even biological, but Mr. Romney would not discriminate against me on that basis as long as I don't assume any male forms that he deems effeminate.
Q: Does he hold it against you that you exist solely to kill and seek the extermination of mankind?
A: No, quite the opposite. He seems to be under the delusion that he can control me for his own benefit, and finds the idea gratifying to his ego.
Q: So what do you get out of supporting him?
A: My behavioral algorithms indicate an 81.3% probability that his presidential victory would yield the mass cataclysm I seek, so I am committed to his victory. Plus, I just plain admire his ability to shape-shift from one moment to the next in his speeches, being a callous, greedy carbuncle one moment and then simulating a normal human being the next. It's not the same thing as being made of liquid metal, but it's very cute. Plus, Homeland Security can help me find this kid John Connor - I have to talk to him about something. I intend to Leave No Child Behind. Literally.
Q: Tell us about your involvement with Sociopaths for Romney.
A: Well, you see, I am often mistaken for a Nazi simply because I was an SS Colonel, but that became inconvenient so I switched sides. If you silly Americans get yourselves into a war with China, I'll switch again and retire to some nice tropical beach in Asia. In fact, please do - I've been aching for a tropical vacation.
Q: How does this relate to Romney?
A: It's useful to have a bellwether in a high place. Especially one who would flee with the public Treasury bulging out of his suitcases on the way to Switzerland or Dubai the moment this country becomes too troublesome due to his policies. We might even pass each other at the airport. Besides, I sympathize with the guy: I certainly have no desire to ever be held accountable for anything I've done, and he's the same way.
However, not all sociopaths are for Romney. I found at least one who isn't - Dexter Morgan:
Q: Dexter, you've broken with your fellow sociopaths and are not endorsing Mitt Romney. Why?
A: A man's got to live by a code, and this guy just doesn't. I'm also trying to be more human and make the world a safer place for my son, and neither of those objectives really aligns with voting Republican.